Submitting PS tomorrow! Feedback would be great!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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aanzola
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Submitting PS tomorrow! Feedback would be great!

Postby aanzola » Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:12 am

Re-edited my previous PS. Also I attempted to start off with a quote. Risky, but may reap rewards. Not a fan of the last paragraph, but comments are welcome

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“Plant the seed of desire in your mind and it forms a nucleus with power to attract to itself everything needed for its fulfillment.” – Robert Collier

It is difficult to pinpoint the precise moment in my life where I grew the desire to become an attorney. Simply put, it is something that has always been “there.” There has never been a college graduate in my family to convince me to strive for greatness nor has there been a mentor who pushed me up this path. Growing up in a modest lower middle class environment, I have always been surrounded by hard workers who earned enough to simply get by. The idea of me litigating in a courtroom was as preposterous as the idea of becoming an astronaut.

Perhaps my moment of clarity arrived in the form of a quick discussion with my high school Speech and Debate class. During my junior year I had just finished a Lincoln-Douglas debate against another student where I moved for stricter enforcement of illegal immigration policies in America. Ironically, my father arrived to this country in 1980 through a not-so-legal manner. After sealing my victory, along with my A grade and extra five minutes of lunch the teacher rewarded to winners, Mr. Linares stopped me as I walked out the door and said “that was very impressive. I definitely know who to hire as my attorney in ten years.” The seed was planted.

As I progressed through college, I began to fully realize my future ambition. During the end of my freshman year, long before I knew what the LSAT was or what stare decisis translated to, I had flirted with the idea of utilizing my critical thinking and argumentative capabilities to become the first lawyer of my family. The two years I spent studying law as a legal studies major at the University of Central Florida changed me. As I enlightened myself with numerous ways of approaching and interpreting the law and deciphering state statutes, I knew deep down that I was born to battle in the courtroom. Eventually my higher education had begun to positively reflect on my interpretation of real world situations. I analyze arguments more stringently, engage discussions with high detail, and am more conscientious of causes and their effects. It was not until further down my upper level semesters that I realized how I may use the knowledge I will one day garner for philanthropic purposes. As my intrigue in legal studies grew, so did my aspirations to leave a positive mark in the world. I view lawyers as the select few who can protect the people who need protection and lend a voice to the voiceless. During my legal internship, I was inspired on a constant basis by the attorneys' work. Interning at a foreclosure defense firm during a bleak economy resulted in my direct experience with a large client base. Even with such a high volume of clients, I rarely did not hear a client speak of highly of the attorneys. I could not imagine a better feeling that that of helping others going through such dire circumstances and offering genuine hope.

Near the end of my college tenure, I developed a deep appreciation for this country’s legal foundation by branching out and reading books on the legal systems of foreign countries and their constitutions. I spent almost four months alone studying the socialist system of North Korea. I suddenly became the person who brought up “How did Kim Il-Sung manage to criminalize governmental criticisms in North Korea” at the dinner table. It was during this time that I had developed an infatuation to learn as much as I could about everything. Gone from my book shelf were my fiction books and books of humor. Replacing them were books of new thought and political revolutions of history. If I were to be a successful attorney and help others, first I would need to learn from the mistakes of others before me who experienced success.

And so my decision to pursue a law degree so that I may make a difference, not just in my life, but in the lives of others, has been determined. This decision has made me a pioneer in my family by being the first one to pursue professional degree. I eagerly await to be sitting in a classroom at the [x] University College of Law this time next year so that I may fulfill my life's passion and desire to become an attorney. With the fulfillment of this goal, I am confident that the knowledge I attain will allow me to protect those who need protections and lend a voice to the voiceless.
Last edited by aanzola on Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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aanzola
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Re: My choice B PS- review and suggestions are much appreciated!

Postby aanzola » Thu Jan 10, 2013 3:42 pm

I'm guessing the intro paragraph wasn't capturing enough. Or too long?

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bluepenguin
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Re: My choice B PS- review and suggestions are much appreciated!

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Jan 10, 2013 4:08 pm

Oh dear lord. You spend the first half of your essay rehashing a high school debate triumph? No. Just... no.

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aanzola
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Re: My choice B PS- review and suggestions are much appreciated!

Postby aanzola » Thu Jan 10, 2013 4:34 pm

It was really to point out the first point where I began to think about law school seriously. It wasn't a "look what I did in high school, accept me to your school!" thing. My theme is how my interest in law has grown over the years, basically. But yeah, I'll definitely cut out chunks of details from that first scenario. Thanks.

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bluepenguin
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Re: My choice B PS- review and suggestions are much appreciated!

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:02 pm

Yeah, I got that. That's one of those instances where you should tell, not show. They do exist.

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aanzola
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Re: My choice B PS- review and suggestions are much appreciated!

Postby aanzola » Thu Jan 10, 2013 9:18 pm

Gotcha. I have a long evening ahead of me. Thanks for the help

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aanzola
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Re: Submitting PS tomorrow! Feedback would be great!

Postby aanzola » Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:37 pm

Submitted new draft.




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