Please critique my personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
DoYouEvenLift?
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2012 3:51 am

Please critique my personal statement

Postby DoYouEvenLift? » Thu Jan 10, 2013 12:03 am

Deleted
Last edited by DoYouEvenLift? on Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:23 am

I already used up the one detailed critique I can do for the day. If you're still working after the 15th I'll be able to give you thorough proofreading, etc.

I think your topic's a little too broad. Not quite sure what the takeaway is, either. It's adequate, informative, and basically interesting. It probably won't hurt you. But I would be inclined to categorize this as a personality essay, if anything, and not much of the essay is really devoted to that, and it's not incredibly revealing on that front either.

westphillybandr
Posts: 150
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 9:52 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby westphillybandr » Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:25 am

pretty broad. vague adjectives.

DoYouEvenLift?
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2012 3:51 am

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby DoYouEvenLift? » Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:42 am

bluepenguin wrote:I already used up the one detailed critique I can do for the day. If you're still working after the 15th I'll be able to give you thorough proofreading, etc.

I think your topic's a little too broad. Not quite sure what the takeaway is, either. It's adequate, informative, and basically interesting. It probably won't hurt you. But I would be inclined to categorize this as a personality essay, if anything, and not much of the essay is really devoted to that, and it's not incredibly revealing on that front either.



Thanks for the insight. What would you suggest I do to improve upon what I have?

User avatar
bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Jan 10, 2013 1:50 am

DoYouEvenLift? wrote:Thanks for the insight. What would you suggest I do to improve upon what I have?


Difficult to say. Depends on how tied you are to that particular PS. If you want to improve it as a personality statement, I would delete a lot, give richer details about your experiences, and reflect on how they impacted/shaped/formed you, your personality, and your worldview.

I would recommend mostly taking the following section, expanding the details, and reflecting on the lessons you learned from it.

In February of 2006 I embarked on my first combat deployment, a mission that first brought my team and I to an abandoned schoolhouse just outside Hit, a mid-sized city along the Euphrates River. Despite knowing I had received the best language training the military had to offer, I knew that I would encounter challenges for which there was no way to fully prepare. Because the military linguists available for distribution to the forward operating teams were in limited supply, a seven day week schedule was standard, and I worked alone for twelve of the sixteen hours of my daily shifts. The biggest obstacle I faced was adapting to the Iraqi dialect, as my training had been in a mostly formal style of Arabic. Fortunately, I was armed with a serviceable Iraqi dictionary and had plenty of time to practice. Also, I could occasionally convince the local Iraqi interpreter down the hall to translate a difficult word for me, although it would usually cost a few Marlboro cigarettes since he claimed he could not get his hands on the American brands anywhere else. My confidence in Iraqi dialect and my sense self-reliance grew quickly. At twenty years old, I had never had that kind of responsibility rest squarely on my shoulders before, and it was a responsibility I brought with me to five other Iraqi cities over the course of my two deployments.

DoYouEvenLift?
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2012 3:51 am

Re: Please critique my personal statement

Postby DoYouEvenLift? » Thu Jan 10, 2013 2:27 am

Thanks for the help. I'll repost when I have something more substantial




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.