Please, please read and edit!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Please, please read and edit!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jan 09, 2013 5:19 pm

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I have been writing and rewriting my personal statement since October and have yet to feel satisfied with it. This is essentially a rough draft based on feedback I've been given throughout this process.
-PLEASE CORRECT ANY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS!
-I'm wondering if this statement comes off as corny, cliche, wordy, lacking clarity, etc. Any constructive criticism is more than welcome!
-Any other thoughts, ideas, or comments would be very helpful!

HOPING TO SUBMIT TONIGHT/TOMORROW

Thank you


The words “lung cancer” fell through my body like a stone; they fogged my brain, made my heart race, and sent shivers across my skin, until they reached a home in the pit of my stomach. They would stay there for the three months my mother was sick and they linger today. By the time my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, it had metastasized to her spine, her limbs, and eventually, her brain. Tumors in her brain led to a stroke, which left half of her body paralyzed and devastated her ability to speak.
I was a junior in college and living 80 miles from home when my mother was diagnosed and began seeing doctors and undergoing treatment. She was initially expected to live for five years, but the disease had other plans. The stroke she suffered two months after her diagnosis, is not a typical symptom of cancer and the consequences were unforeseen by doctors. It had left her body so severely impaired that she was released from the hospital to hospice care, allowing her to pass in the comfort of her home. She could not afford a full-time nurse, so my sister and I were by her side constantly.
The memories I have of this time are some of my most painful and significant. I was amazed by the strength and grace of my mother and the generosity and compassion of my sister. Yet, what surprised me the most was my own transformation. I was patient, thorough, and confident in my care and gentle, calm, and respectful to my mother. I placed her needs above my own and it was the most exhausting, excruciating, and rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I have never seen myself as one to thrive in difficult situations until the most difficult of all situations presented itself.
My connection with my mother allowed me to give her a voice when she was unable to speak. I believe my ability to empathize while maintaining composure in difficult situations would make me an inspired advocate for others whose voices need to be heard. I want to bring this strength and passion into a career that empowers others. I want to practice law.
I have always been drawn to the logic and eloquence of the legal profession. The ability of a good attorney to use reason as a tool for persuasion, captivate an audience with an impassioned speech, and directly affect the fate of others has entranced me since I was very young. I realize now that most of the things I had envisioned were illusions fed by glamorous television shows and an overall superficial view of what it means to be a lawyer. The reality is long hours, demanding work, difficult or ignorant clients, and disappointing conclusions. The real world is just that, real. However, I am finding that reality even more attractive than the façade. I know now that life’s truly great rewards are those that come with overwhelming dedication and unstinting self-sacrifice. They take time and effort and they come at a price.
Although my reasons for pursuing law school have changed, I am no less determined to reach my goal. Northeastern University has one of the best and most dynamic public interest law programs in the country. I have found myself fascinated by the stories I saw in Northeastern brochures. Young people motivated not by money or power, but by the opportunity to change the world by changing lives. I’m confident that this is where I belong.
My experience with my mother’s illness has not only shaped, but recreated my perspective on the world. In a span of two weeks, my understanding of humanity and human relationships was irreversibly molded. To sum it up simply, the most meaningful things we do in our lives are those that we do for others

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Unoriginalist
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby Unoriginalist » Wed Jan 09, 2013 9:28 pm

I like the topic, and this is a good start, but to quote an old axiom: "Show, don't tell."

I would probably focus less on the specific circumstances of the disease, and focus more on SHOWING how your experiences shaped your thinking. SHOW the connection to the law, other than just saying it's there. Does that make sense?

Solid start, though. Good luck.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:56 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
The words “lung cancer” fell through my body like a stone. They fogged my brain, made my heart race, and sent shivers across my skin, until they reached a home in the pit of my stomach. They would stay there for the three months my mother was sick and they still linger today. By the time my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, it had metastasized to her spine, her limbs, and eventually, her brain. Tumors in her brain led to a stroke, which left half of her body paralyzed and devastated her ability to speak.

I was a junior in college and living 80 miles from home when my mother was diagnosed and began seeing doctors and undergoing treatment. She was initially expected to live for five years, but the disease had other plans. The stroke she suffered two months after her diagnosis, is not a typical symptom of cancer and the consequences were unforeseen by doctors. It had left her body so severely impaired that she was released from the hospital to hospice care, allowing her to pass in the comfort of her home. She could not afford a full-time nurse, so my sister and I were by her side constantly.

The memories I have of this time are some of my most painful and significant. I was amazed by the strength and grace of my mother and the generosity and compassion of my sister. Yet, what surprised me the most was my own transformation. I was patient, thorough, and confident in my care and gentle, calm, and respectful to my mother. I placed her needs above my own and it was the most exhausting, excruciating, and rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I have never seen myself as one to thrive in difficult situations until the most difficult of all situations presented itself.
My connection with my mother allowed me to give her a voice when she was unable to speak. I believe my ability to empathize while maintaining composure in difficult situations would make me an inspired advocate for others whose voices need to be heard. I want to bring this strength and passion into a career that empowers others. I want to practice law.


I have always been drawn to the logic and eloquence of the legal profession. The ability of a good attorney to use reason as a tool for persuasion, captivate an audience with an impassioned speech, and directly affect the fate of others has entranced me since I was very young. I realize now that most of the things I had envisioned were illusions fed by glamorous television shows and an overall superficial view of what it means to be a lawyer. The reality is long hours, demanding work, difficult or ignorant clients, and disappointing conclusions. The real world is just that, real. I like this sentence a lot However, I am finding that reality even more attractive than the façade. I know now that life’s truly great rewards are those that come with overwhelming dedication and unstinting self-sacrifice. They take time and effort and they come at a price. Like what? Maybe give a personal example of this. The story with your mom is good, but it might be helpful to have something else as well

Although my reasons for pursuing law school have changed, I am no less determined to reach my goal. Northeastern University has one of the best and most dynamic public interest law programs in the country. I have found myself fascinated by the stories I saw in Northeastern brochures. Young people motivated not by money or power, but by the opportunity to change the world by changing lives. I’m confident that this is where I belong.

My experience with my mother’s illness has not only shaped, but recreated my perspective on the world. In a span of two weeks, my understanding of humanity and human relationships was irreversibly molded.To sum it up simply, the most meaningful things we do in our lives are those that we do for others, "and I blah blah blah for other people" or something to finish this paragraph off"


Don't think it's too bad. I made some edits. I think you could add in another short personal part in order to tie it in a little bit more.

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manofjustice
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby manofjustice » Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:57 pm

Fuckin ask nicely. Everyone be entitled round this bitch tonight.

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CorkBoard
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:58 pm

manofjustice wrote:Fuckin ask nicely. Everyone be entitled round this bitch tonight.

It's the PS forum where people are entitled to getting help. If you're not going to help them, GTFO.

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dingbat
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby dingbat » Sat Jan 12, 2013 12:15 am

Anonymous User wrote:The words “lung cancer” fell through my body like a stone; they fogged my brain, made my heart race, and sent shivers across my skin, until they reached a home in the pit of my stomach.
why does everyone think they're james joyce when writing these things?
Anonymous User wrote: They would stay there for the three months my mother was sick and they linger today. By the time my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, it had metastasized to her spine, her limbs, and eventually, her brain. Tumors in her brain led to a stroke, which left half of her body paralyzed and devastated her ability to speak.
I was a junior in college and living 80 miles from home when my mother was diagnosed and began seeing doctors and undergoing treatment. She was initially expected to live for five years, but the disease had other plans. The stroke she suffered two months after her diagnosis, is not a typical symptom of cancer and the consequences were unforeseen by doctors. It had left her body so severely impaired that she was released from the hospital to hospice care, allowing her to pass in the comfort of her home. She could not afford a full-time nurse, so my sister and I were by her side constantly.
spend less time on this. You don't need half a page and you're wasting space
Anonymous User wrote:The memories I have of this time are some of my most painful and significant. I was amazed by the strength and grace of my mother and the generosity and compassion of my sister. Yet, what surprised me the most was my own transformation. I was patient, thorough, and confident in my care and gentle, calm, and respectful to my mother. I placed her needs above my own and it was the most exhausting, excruciating, and rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I have never seen myself as one to thrive in difficult situations until the most difficult of all situations presented itself.
that's nice, now what does this have to do with the other half of your PS?
Anonymous User wrote:My connection with my mother allowed me to give her a voice when she was unable to speak. I believe my ability to empathize while maintaining composure in difficult situations would make me an inspired advocate for others whose voices need to be heard.
nice belief. I believe in unicorns and pixie dust
Anonymous User wrote: I want to bring this strength and passion into a career that empowers others.
what strengths and passion?
Anonymous User wrote: I want to practice law.
I have always been drawn to the logic and eloquence of the legal profession. The ability of a good attorney to use reason as a tool for persuasion, captivate an audience with an impassioned speech, and directly affect the fate of others has entranced me since I was very young.
That's how a lawyer does it, but not what a lawyer does. You want to persuade people, captivate them with an impassioned speech and affect their lives? be a televangelist. Now why do you want to be a lawyer?
Anonymous User wrote:I realize now that most of the things I had envisioned were illusions fed by glamorous television shows and an overall superficial view of what it means to be a lawyer. The reality is long hours, demanding work, difficult or ignorant clients, and disappointing conclusions. The real world is just that, real.
good. You know what you're getting yourself into.
Anonymous User wrote: However, I am finding that reality even more attractive than the façade. I know now that life’s truly great rewards are those that come with overwhelming dedication and unstinting self-sacrifice. They take time and effort and they come at a price.
good
Anonymous User wrote:Although my reasons for pursuing law school have changed,
they have? what were your reasons? what are your new reasons?
Anonymous User wrote:I am no less determined to reach my goal. Northeastern University has one of the best and most dynamic public interest law programs in the country. I have found myself fascinated by the stories I saw in Northeastern brochures. Young people motivated not by money or power, but by the opportunity to change the world by changing lives. I’m confident that this is where I belong.
Good, but, don't you mean Northwestern?
Anonymous User wrote:My experience with my mother’s illness has not only shaped, but recreated my perspective on the world. In a span of two weeks, my understanding of humanity and human relationships was irreversibly molded. To sum it up simply, the most meaningful things we do in our lives are those that we do for others
? I don't see the point of this paragraph (though, if you replaced the second section I quoted above with the first two sentences here, it'd already be a vast improvement

Look, the topic is not bad, but your writing is a step down from stephanie meyers. As someone else already said, "show, don't tell". And don't go balls with the descriptions, like you did in the opening paragraph. You're not applying for a creative writing degree.

broo9339
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby broo9339 » Sat Jan 12, 2013 12:47 am

Thank you for the feedback.

I've made edits around the statement and have come up with something a little different. I've added some of my volunteer experience in response to the suggestion to "show, don't tell", which is something I should have done from the beginning.

I agree that my intro was pretty corny and I appreciate the brutal honesty, honestly. I already felt like I got a little carried away with adjectives and such throughout so I have made the statement a little more direct.

I'll post the new edit shortly.

Thanks again!

broo9339
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Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2012 7:57 pm

Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby broo9339 » Sun Jan 13, 2013 9:27 am

Here is my latest edit. Please critique!

I am having some trouble with transitions so any advice would be great!

By the time my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, it had metastasized to her spine, her limbs, and eventually, her brain. She was initially expected to live for five years, but the disease had other plans. Tumors in her brain led to a stroke, which left half of her body paralyzed and devastated her ability to speak. The stroke had left her body so severely impaired that she was released from the hospital to home hospice care. She could not afford a full-time nurse, so my sister and I were by her side constantly.
The memories I have of this time are some of my most painful and significant. I was amazed by the changes I saw in my family; the strength of their character and their willingness to give so much of themselves for my mother’s care. Yet, what surprised me the most was my own transformation. I stayed up with her through the night, fed her, read to her, bathed her, and did whatever I could to improve her quality of life. My connection with my mother allowed me to give her a voice when she was unable to speak. I found a sense of peace and purpose while I was helping her despite the grief I was feeling.
The experience I had with my mother’s illness not only shaped, but recreated my perspective on the world. In a span of two weeks, my understanding of humanity and human relationships was irreversibly molded. I realized the importance and meaning that lies in giving ourselves for others. Since her passing, I have spent considerably more time volunteering for organizations that aid others in difficult situations.
I spent Spring Break volunteering with a small group of students at Boise Rescue Mission and City Light, a shelter for women and children, as part of a service project for my university. The mission staff was in serious need of manpower to accomplish different tasks around the shelter: organizing donated clothing, moving boxes of food, painting facilities, and serving meals to families. I was moved by the stories I heard from shelter staff and the women and children they served. They were homeless and many were victims of domestic violence. Most of the people I met felt like they had no one in their corner. The shelter staff was diligent and able to help many families, but they were stretched beyond their means and powerless against many of the obstacles that the people faced.
The time I donated at the shelter, and at other volunteer experiences since, evoked the feeling of tranquility and resolve that I felt while caring for my mother. I felt a connection to the people that shared their lives with me. I wanted to do more for them than I was able to do; I wanted to give them a better life.
Public interest attorneys can help people in need, like those I’ve met volunteering, by listening to their plight, backing and representing their cause, and eventually empowering them to defend themselves. They have the ability to make material change in peoples’ lives.
I believe with a strong legal education, I could become an inspired advocate for others whose voices need to be heard. Northeastern University has one of the best and most dynamic public interest law programs in the country. I have found myself fascinated by the stories I saw in Northeastern brochures. Young people motivated not by money or power, but by the opportunity to change the world by changing lives. The school’s cooperative learning opportunities and dedication to social change has me captivated. I’m confident that this is where I belong.
Last edited by broo9339 on Sun Jan 13, 2013 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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dingbat
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby dingbat » Sun Jan 13, 2013 12:02 pm

much better.
I'll rip it apart when I have some time

Anonymous User
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Re: Please, please read and edit!

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Jan 13, 2013 5:36 pm

Thank you, that would be great!




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