Submitting soon -- Please critique PS.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kferden
Posts: 33
Joined: Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:20 pm

Submitting soon -- Please critique PS.

Postby kferden » Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:29 pm

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Last edited by kferden on Tue Apr 16, 2013 2:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13917
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Submitting soon -- Please critique PS.

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:36 pm

The son of a school teacher, education always held a place of great prominence in my upbringing.
Match yo subjects. Education is not the son of a school teacher.

While knowing the resting place of Thomas Edison’s final breath
Edison's final breath does not have a resting place.

I decided to accept a position within the real estate industry.
Just say 'in.' Saying 'within' is unnecessarily wordy.

...I began to adapt myself to the competitive and information-rich professional world which soon awaited me.
Blargh. Too many buzzwords that say nothing. If you adapted, show that with specifics. And if something is awaiting you, no need to say 'soon.'

Most of all, your sentence structure is incredibly repetitive. While [x], I [y]. When [a], I [b]. Whether [c], I [d]. Though [e], I [f].

fallingup
Posts: 481
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 4:34 pm

Re: Submitting soon -- Please critique PS.

Postby fallingup » Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:22 pm

take out passive voice and reduce wordiness wherever possible. big words and complicated sentence structures dont make it sound better, they make it sound clunky. break down your sentences into simple structures so it's readable.

kferden
Posts: 33
Joined: Tue Jan 08, 2013 10:20 pm

Re: Submitting soon -- Please critique PS.

Postby kferden » Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:39 pm

Thanks for the feedback. I've realized for years that I have a tendency to get in my own way with my writing. I'll try to trim it back a bit and make it less labored.

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PickMe!
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:24 pm

Re: Submitting soon -- Please critique PS.

Postby PickMe! » Wed Jan 09, 2013 3:56 am

kferden wrote:This is getting toward a final(ish) draft and I'm looking to get this submitted in the next day or so. Since I'm doing different conclusions for each school, I haven't included that in this draft. Everything else is staying relatively the same from app. to app.

Absolutely all criticism is welcomed. Please tell me if there is anything I could improve on. Thanks again SO MUCH for your input!

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Hey! Since you're already getting some feedback on content, I figured I'd help with the grammar. If this is the personal statement, you're going to use, you could make it a lot better by using more effective language. Remember your audience, and choose words that fully express what it is you want to say.

The son of a school teacher, education always held a place of great prominence in my upbringing. Whether through a book, conversation, triumph, or even tragedy, it was constantly stressed to me that in every experience, there is an opportunity to learn. It was through embracing this central focus of my childhood that I cultivated a strong sense of curiosity.

Over the years, that sense found itself transcending the pages of my dinosaur encyclopedias and migrating to the brightly lit archives of the university library and the flickering glow of late-night search engines. I feel most at home when occupying myself with some sort of research. Even now, I am the first person to pick up the books of “useless” trivia, and the first to explore further the context and truthfulness of the facts within their pages Repeating the word "first" in this sentence is redundant.. While knowing the resting place of Thomas Edison’s final breath may not hold the most practical of applications, the same inquisitiveness that those stories spur in me is characteristic of the enthusiasm which permeates my approach to personal, academic and professional development.

When I chose to pursue my undergraduate studies in communication theory, it was with this same sense of curiosity in mind. Due to an interest in presentations and a love for politics, I was especially drawn to courses dealing with the study of persuasion and rhetoric. From these classes, I learned to be ever-vigilant to the subtleties which can soYour use of "so" adds nothing to this sentence." easily define the effectiveness of our discourse. They helped me to garner a deeper appreciation both for the power that language holds and for those individuals who could soYour use of "so" adds nothing to this sentence." masterfully wield it. Combining this concept with my research-centric tendencies, I began to adapt myself to the competitive and information-rich professional world which soon awaited me.

Upon graduation from (Undergrad X), I decided to accept a position within the real estate industry. With little working knowledge of real estate law or closing processes, I made it one of my goals to never allowThis is a split infinitive. Consider removing the word "to" from this sentence. myself the opportunity to lean on ignorance. For learning the Latin, I kept at Use "on" or "in" for this sentence. my desk a legal dictionary and glossary of real estate terminology. To understand those terms in context, I familiarized myself with relevant laws and statutes of the state code. To keep abreast of the business landscape, I frequented articles on the lending market and default practices. Never content on simply knowing the responses to client questions, I developed relationships with industry professionals in order to assemble a more complete and practical understanding of the various concepts and ideas with which I was working. Over the next two years – with two different companies and in two different parts of the country Your use of "different is redundant. – I continued to fully immerse This is a split infinitive. Consider removing the word "to" from this sentence. myself in the research, critical-thinking, and communication-driven atmosphere. In the process, I saw the desire to further my formal education transform from abstract wish to a fully attainable reality.




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