PS Draft #2: Please Opinions, Feedback etc.

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JC7168
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PS Draft #2: Please Opinions, Feedback etc.

Postby JC7168 » Tue Jan 08, 2013 4:33 pm

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Last edited by JC7168 on Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: PS Draft #2: Please Opinions, Feedback etc.

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Jan 08, 2013 9:05 pm

Not a huge fan of the "I like to argue" essay. Having only scanned this, not sure it's a great iteration thereof.

What are you trying to say with this? Seriously, try summarize in no more than 4 sentences.

JC7168 wrote:What if my “core value” was being a skeptic I thought?

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JC7168
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Re: PS Draft #2: Please Opinions, Feedback etc.

Postby JC7168 » Wed Jan 09, 2013 2:53 pm

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Last edited by JC7168 on Sat Oct 19, 2013 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: PS Draft #2: Please Opinions, Feedback etc.

Postby bluepenguin » Wed Jan 09, 2013 3:21 pm

Okay sorry, I was not at all clear.

The quote was just one random line of bad grammar I noticed.

I also didn't want you to summarize what you said, as in what you wrote. I meant as in what you want the reader to take away, what impression you want them to form. What your pitch is, basically. That you're a skeptic? That your skepticism is grounded in an interesting personal narrative? Or is it just that this colors you as a person beyond your numbers?

Also, if that is your summary I think your first point could use more establishment.

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stuckinthemiddle
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Re: PS Draft #2: Please Opinions, Feedback etc.

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:38 am

Change topic.

Everyone is a skeptic. Everyone likes to argue. Everyone claims to value open-mindedness. You wouldn't stand out with this.

Also, there's a lot of telling and no showing. What exactly have you done in your life (extra-curriculars, work experience, academic endeavors, etc.) to actually back up that you are a skeptic with an open mind? I don't believe you.

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stuckinthemiddle
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Re: PS Draft #2: Please Opinions, Feedback etc.

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:41 am

JC7168 wrote:I fell into a crisis of self identity. Who exactly was I? What was I doing at this school? Why was I a history major? What were my beliefs? These questions and others rattled in my head like numbers on bingo night. Weeks or maybe months I was suck in the mud of an existential trap.



And delete this; especially the bingo night simile.




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