Georgetown "Perfect Day Essay" Critique Forum

[karmaman]

Anyone mind reading mine over? Will be willing to edit/read anything you have as well..Thanks!

Here is the essay: Prompt: "Describe your perfect day, have you ever had one" in 250 words or less. Let me know if it is too informal/real..I wanted to give them a taste of who I actually was outside of law school and not some fake answer about how my perfect day will be spend doing some out there humanitarian endeavors.

Some people spend their entire lives chasing an illusion of the perfect life, a life where they are rich, successful, and the envy of all their piers. I on the other hand, would be happy with the perfect day. My perfect day would begin with my alarm howling at 5:30 in the morning and me jumping out of bed without hesitation. I would make a cup of coffee and load up my 2003 Honda Accord with my surfboard and head out to my local beach break. After a lengthy surf in optimal conditions, I would head back home and have a hearty breakfast with my mother and brother, then Skype our father who works overseas. Next, the couch and a good book would be my oasis for the next several hours, when some friends suddenly call me for an impromptu jam session. Within the hour, my garage has been turned into a makeshift studio and we jam our hearts out until our ears can take no more. As the sun retreats, the phone rings informing me of a great band playing nearby. The night would be filled with more music and old friends, laughter playing as our soundtrack on the way to and from the show. And ultimately, I would indulge in a pint of white chocolate rasberry truffle ice cream before bidding the world goodnight. The perfect day will be different for everyone, however if I continue to have days like yesterday, I think I will be just fine.

[Jaqen]

Sure, send it over.

[karmaman]

Bump, anyone else?

[eerie_erie]

I think there is a typo in the first sentence. Did you mean to write "peers" instead of "piers"?

[LexLeon]

Watch out for comma splices, like the one in your last sentence.

[az21833]

its fine for GU. just watch out for tense shifts. either write it all in present tense or all in conditional rather than switching around