My PS. Give some advice, thx!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
s_d890425
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:28 pm

My PS. Give some advice, thx!

Postby s_d890425 » Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:32 pm

I am an international student, this is my PS, hope some advice, thx!



Farmers struggling on their farmland, kids’ desperate eyes for education, handicapped people freezing to death on the street - after observing all of these calamities in the shadow of xxx’s booming economy and military power while volunteering in the xxx countryside, I decided to write a thesis regarding farmland reform and peasants’ quality of life, hoping to bring these issues to the government’s attention. I became disenchanted when my thesis was rejected because of its inappropriate political stance - the government didn't want people to know the truth, and would not be persuaded into doing anything. Eventually, after graduation I made the difficult decision to leave my comfort zone and break from the path laid out for me by my parents. I left my homeland and came to America to pursue an LL.M program, little knowing how profoundly this new journey would transform the trajectory of my life.

At the program’s opening ceremony, the Dean enjoined us to “Enjoy your life at law school!” He could hardly have picked a more egregious euphemism than “enjoy,” for the first month of the program was profoundly frustrating. LL.M students had to compete with JD candidates in class, and I was put at a serious disadvantage. In my very first class, xxxx, the JD students were much more concerned with showing off their knowledge in a bout of furious one-upmanship than working together to understand the complex legal issues being discussed. After two hours of suffering through their incomprehensible banter, I stormed out of the room and drove home.

However, as a student from a top law school with strong academic record in xxx, I have an intense desire for success in academics, a drive to adapt to challenging environments quickly and efficiently, to work long hours, all-nighters, and “all-weekenders” in order to reach my goal. After I calmed down, I realized I would need a strategy to deal with the competitive environment and cut-throat attitudes of my fellow students. In the second class, I summoned the courage to talk to the student next to me. In the third class, I spoke up in my strong Chinese accent, trying my best to ignore the derisive whispers around me. More confident that my questions and ideas would be heard, I also devised a rigorous study approach which went beyond reading casebooks and attending lectures to carefully outlining lessons and organizing a study group with JD students to draw on their experience with American legal education. I recorded each lecture and listened to them twice after each class, carefully revising my outlines and notes to make sure I understood the material, spending 14 hours a day in the law library. My efforts paid off with an A+ in xxx, and it was then that I realized that my hours in the law library really had been a time of deep happiness because I had learned the communication, argument analysis, critical reading, and leadership abilities to excel in my legal studies.

My motivation for pursuing a JD is informed by my numerous experiences of social injustice among the Chinese immigrant community through working at xxx Firm, Los Angeles. I observed and participated in a wide range of cases, from a xxx woman who mistakenly pled guilty to prostitution because of her poor English, to a xxx-owned business seized and sold by an exploitative landlord who thought the language barrier would prevent the business from seeking legal protection, to a xxx woman and her seven-year old daughter abused by her American husband who believed she dared not to call the police because of her immigrant status. After our persistent hard work, the prosecutor finally dismissed the prostitution case, the exploitative landlord was jailed and business restored to its owner, and the abused xxx woman successfully divorced while keeping her legal immigrant status. I have seen the law in action, and I am intrigued by the intricacy and subtlety of this instrument for social justice. No one should be denied the means of sustaining a living or the opportunity to pursue their ambitions due to circumstances beyond their control, especially not in America. I realized I had found an opportunity to use my hybrid education in Chinese and American law to serve the new Chinese immigrant community through their struggles in pursuit of the American Dream. I am not trying to be heroic. I know that completing JD program is not a magic bullet for solving all problems. Nevertheless, I feel an obligation to make the biggest difference I can among the Chinese immigrant community. The JD program will be an indispensable step toward this goal: my dream to help others realize their dreams.
Completing a JD at xxx will allow me to cultivate my legal abilities in close proximity to Silicon Valley’s large population of xxx immigrants and concentration of xxx-owned businesses. xxx diverse student body will also be an asset in modeling the process through which immigrant populations have historically gained access to legal protection in the United States, and the top-rated International Law program at xxx will be critical for me in understanding the interaction of Chinese and American law. With my education and experience as a lawyer in xxx, I also believe I have much to contribute to the international focus at UC Berkeley. With my study and work experience in the United States, I have gained the independence, diligence, legal skills and ambition to pursue a successful career as an attorney in America.

sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: My PS. Give some advice, thx!

Postby sparty99 » Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:48 pm

There are a several run-on sentences. Do not speak in metaphors. For example, "kids’ desperate eyes for education" does not make sense. "Eventually, after graduation I made the difficult decision to leave my comfort zone and break from the path laid out for me by my parents." "all-weekenders" is not a word. Don't use it.

Write in clear sentences. The personal statement has potential. However, you need to write more succinctly and be clear. Further, you stated that you went to a top law school. Does this have to be stated? You also said you have a strong academic record? Does this have to be stated? Your transcript will reflect whether you have a strong academic record.

I enjoyed hearing about your legal work. However, I wanted to learn more.

s_d890425
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: My PS. Give some advice, thx!

Postby s_d890425 » Fri Jan 04, 2013 2:31 pm

Thx for your advice.

I really want to write more about my working experience, however, it has already been 900 words, I don't want to make it more than that.




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