Critique my PS Please - Also Editing in Return

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Critique my PS Please - Also Editing in Return

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:10 pm

Edited. Thank you.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Jan 04, 2013 5:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273254
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Critique my PS Please - Also Editing in Return

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:32 pm

Finished. Thank you.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Jan 04, 2013 5:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thomasyin2
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:45 pm

Re: Critique my PS Please - Also Editing in Return

Postby thomasyin2 » Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:36 pm

The essay had a good start that really gets people interested to finish the entire essay till the end. In my opinion the theme is also good, using the experience in two widly different professions, one requires mind the other requires body, to demonstrate diversity, mental and physical preparation and cool hobbies.

But I do think it is too colorful. I was told that peotry and novel writing almost never ticks with adcomms.
"Swoooosh…THUD! Swoooosh…THUD! The sound from the adjoining ring violently punctuated the stillness of the humid air." I think is a bit unncessary. Instead use those words to explain why you interest in the US constitution in relation to your public interest career direction. Like, I dont know, the constitution would be a key tool to advance public interest or something like that. Or else there I think exist a missing link not explained.
Some overly colorful words could be deleted I think, I think you want to emphasize the sports: poker and martial arts prepare you somewhat to lawschool , but playing it like a movie, though pretty cool, de-emphasize the reasoning, rather emphasizing the color and emotions. Just my 0.02. Aand it's quite long, so reducing colorful words definitely help without shrinking actual hard punch contents.
viewtopic.php?f=18&t=201150 my essay :D Cheers

thomasyin2
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:45 pm

Re: Critique my PS Please - Also Editing in Return

Postby thomasyin2 » Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:38 pm

I do like that you didn't say what the promise is. Everyone could see it's an emotional, good promise. Leaving it as a mystery keeps the adcomms thinking. I think this essay, with all its color and emotions, tick with female adcomms a lot more than males.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273254
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Critique my PS Please - Also Editing in Return

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 03, 2013 8:52 pm

Finished. Thank you. I am going to put my thoughts on your essay up in the next few hours.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Jan 04, 2013 5:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thomasyin2
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:45 pm

Re: Critique my PS Please - Also Editing in Return

Postby thomasyin2 » Thu Jan 03, 2013 9:23 pm

A pre-law advisor said that to me. His reasoning is that we're applying to be lawyers not novelist, seldomly anything we will ever write contains any color or emotion at all, especially true for like say tax law. So demonstrating we could write a new twilight saga doesn't help too much. But on top of that comment, I think, just my opinion, colors and emotions usually get females much more interested and engaged, and not having a negative effect on males, so I guess it's benefitial. But one thing for sure, definitely not worth keeping a whole bunch of colorful words and go over the page limit, or deleting contents for color in order to keep the page limit in check.




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