First draft please critique

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Vpassarelli
Posts: 29
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:11 pm

First draft please critique

Postby Vpassarelli » Thu Jan 03, 2013 1:41 pm

This is my personal statement and my target school is Fordham. This one is catered at the end exclusively to them, but I intend on editing it for other applications. Let me know what you guys think and thank you very much!

As I propelled my way over the ten foot wall and completed the eleventh mile of the event I knew that the finish line was near. My heart racing, clothes soaking wet, and body sore I could not help but think about the months of weight lifting, training, and hard work that had led me to this point. I was competing in the Pennsylvania Tough Mudder event which is a fourteen mile course on multiple terrains and consists of 25 different obstacles. The course is designed to test not only the physical toughness of the competitor, but the mental stoutness as well. After several more obstacles, my teammates and I approached the end; our bodies were battered, but our spirits at a surreal high. It was an arduous physical journey that got us to this point and when I soared past the finish line with my head held high I did not agonize over the aches and pains nor did I relish for too long in my accomplishment. At that moment all I can think about was signing up to compete in the next Tough Mudder event and the voyage that goes along with it.
That instant on that cold April day symbolizes the way I have been throughout my life; a constant achiever, always looking to accomplish the next goal and not ever satisfied with anything below my best. In essence, the Tough Mudder event itself represented a microcosm of my life in that it was filled with obstacles, but I never let them stand in my way. The biggest of which came almost a decade ago when I let the weaker part of my psyche win me over and I was charged with a DWI, a ten foot wall. It was the first time I had ever used alcohol and I was insufficiently educated on the risks of operating a vehicle after consumption. It was my freshman year of college and although I paid my just penance I thought I can never recover from this mistake. Filled with regret, my drive and determination that I had throughout my life dwindled, however, similar to my teammates during the Tough Mudder, there were people along the way that enlightened me and made me realize it was still possible to achieve the goals I had set for myself. In a few years I graduated college with a degree in Business Administration and shortly thereafter attained a job in the finance department at a credit card company. At this point and time I began to clearly distinguish myself from the average and begin the journey that inevitably brought me to this point, a law school application.
As a rejuvenated individual I eventually attended graduate school at Hofstra University and received a Master of Science in Business Education, graduating with a 3.97 GPA. As a Business Law teacher not only was I able to transmit the tenets of the law to my students, but I coached the members of the Plainview Moot Court club to win medals in many tournaments. I am currently a Business Training Instructor at Skills Unlimited, Inc., a vocational rehabilitation clinic, responsible for readying individuals with disabilities to function in the workforce. At the same time I assist my colleagues with numerous tasks including creating more efficient billing systems, keeping program standards set by New York State law, and researching methods to improve overall program quality. Throughout my experience the law has seem to absorb my interests and I have exhibited a knack for understanding it. I want to practice the law and utilize m learned and natural abilities to do so. At the same time, striving for excellence and going beyond the call of duty is a standard that I set for myself. These, among a multitude of other reasons, are why I want to be in, and complete, law school.
Fordham Law’s standards and philosophy coincide directly with mine and this is what separates it from other schools. This institution offers a complete legal education to prepare me to become a lawyer. The dynamic location, publications like the Fordham Journal of Corporate and Financial Law, and the externships offered allows Fordham to educate and train me through many diverse forums. From my standpoint, my background from multiple professional areas, including business and education, gives me the ability to bring class discussions to another level if I am accepted. Just as I was positive asset to my Tough Mudder teammates and the institutions where I have been employed, I will be a major asset to Fordham Law. The thing about any starting line is that deep down you know that if you work hard enough the finish line is always waiting for you. I am willing to contribute and put in all the necessary work throughout the course and, if given the opportunity, a Fordham Law degree will be waiting at the finish.

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PickMe!
Posts: 162
Joined: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:24 pm

Re: First draft please critique

Postby PickMe! » Fri Jan 04, 2013 6:49 am

Vpassarelli wrote:This is my personal statement and my target school is Fordham. This one is catered at the end exclusively to them, but I intend on editing it for other applications. Let me know what you guys think and thank you very much!

As I propelled my way over the ten foot wall and completed the eleventh mile of the event I knew that the finish line was near. My heart racing, clothes soaking wet, and body sore I could not help but think about the months of weight lifting, training, and hard work that had led me to this point. I was competing in the Pennsylvania Tough Mudder event which is a fourteen mile course on multiple terrains and consists of 25 different obstacles. The course is designed to test not only the physical toughness of the competitor, but the mental stoutness as well. After several more obstacles, my teammates and I approached the end; our bodies were battered, but our spirits at a surreal high. It was an arduous physical journey that got us to this point and when I soared past the finish line with my head held high I did not agonize over the aches and pains nor did I relish for too long in my accomplishment. At that moment all I can think about was signing up to compete in the next Tough Mudder event and the voyage that goes along with it.
That instant on that cold April day symbolizes the way I have been throughout my life; a constant achiever, always looking to accomplish the next goal and not ever satisfied with anything below my best. In essence, the Tough Mudder event itself represented a microcosm of my life in that it was filled with obstacles,but I never let them stand in my way. The biggest of which came almost a decade ago when I let the weaker part of my psyche win me over and I was charged with a DWI, a ten foot wall. It was the first time I had ever used alcohol and I was insufficiently educated on the risks of operating a vehicle after consumption. It was my freshman year of college and although I paid my just penance I thought I can never recover from this mistake. Filled with regret, my drive and determination that I had throughout my life dwindled, however, similar to my teammates during the Tough Mudder, there were people along the way that enlightened me and made me realize it was still possible to achieve the goals I had set for myself. In a few years I graduated college with a degree in Business Administration and shortly thereafter attained a job in the finance department at a credit card company. At this point and time I began to clearly distinguish myself from the average and begin the journey that inevitably brought me to this point, a law school application.
As a rejuvenated individual I eventually attended graduate school at Hofstra University and received a Master of Science in Business Education, graduating with a 3.97 GPA. As a Business Law teacher not only was I able to transmit the tenets of the law to my students, but I coached the members of the Plainview Moot Court club to win medals in many tournaments. I am currently a Business Training Instructor at Skills Unlimited, Inc., a vocational rehabilitation clinic, responsible for readying individuals with disabilities to function in the workforce. At the same time I assist my colleagues with numerous tasks including creating more efficient billing systems, keeping program standards set by New York State law, and researching methods to improve overall program quality. Throughout my experience the law has seem to absorb my interests and I have exhibited a knack for understanding it. I want to practice the law and utilize m learned and natural abilities to do so. At the same time, striving for excellence and going beyond the call of duty is a standard that I set for myself. These, among a multitude of other reasons, are why I want to be in, and complete, law school.

Fordham Law’s standards and philosophy coincide directly with mine and this is what separates it from other schools. This institution offers a complete legal education to prepare me to become a lawyer. The dynamic location, publications like the Fordham Journal of Corporate and Financial Law, and the externships offered allows Fordham to educate and train me through many diverse forums. From my standpoint, my background from multiple professional areas, including business and education, gives me the ability to bring class discussions to another level if I am accepted. Just as I was positive asset to my Tough Mudder teammates and the institutions where I have been employed, I will be a major asset to Fordham Law. The thing about any starting line is that deep down you know that if you work hard enough the finish line is always waiting for you. I am willing to contribute and put in all the necessary work throughout the course and, if given the opportunity, a Fordham Law degree will be waiting at the finish.



Let's deal with content. You are trying to do too much in this personal statement. Your law school personal statement should be like a laser beam. Pick a topic and focus on it. This isn't a DWI addendum. This isn't a retelling of your resume. It's a personal statement-- a part of your application package. You won't get anything significant accomplished by telling the reader what he/she already knows. Stick with the direction you were going in paragraph one.

Vpassarelli
Posts: 29
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:11 pm

Re: First draft please critique

Postby Vpassarelli » Fri Jan 04, 2013 10:44 am

Thank you for the critique and comments. This one is re-worked a bit

As I propelled my way over the ten foot wall and completed the eleventh mile of the event I knew that the finish line was near. My heart racing, clothes soaking wet, and body sore I could not help but think about the months of weight lifting, training, and hard work that had led me to this point. I was competing in the Pennsylvania Tough Mudder event which is a fourteen mile course on multiple terrains and consists of 25 different obstacles. The course is designed to test the physical toughness and mental stoutness of the competitor. After several more obstacles, my teammates and I approached the end; our bodies were battered, but our spirits at a surreal high. It was an arduous physical journey that got us to this point and when I soared past the finish line with my head held high I did not agonize over the aches and pains nor did I relish for too long in my accomplishment.
That instant on that cold April day symbolizes the way I have been throughout my life; a constant achiever, always looking to accomplish the next goal and not ever satisfied with anything below my best. In essence, the Tough Mudder event itself represented a microcosm of my life in that it was filled with obstacles, but I never let them stand in my way.
As the first person in my family to attend college I had always felt a sense of responsibility when it came to my education and my future career. The Italian family I grew up in consists of over twenty cousins including my younger brother, of which I am the oldest. Similar to a leg of the Tough Mudder, it was difficult going through college without a family member there as a guide discussing their similar experiences, but now I can be that person for my family and I gained employment shortly after graduation. Working in the finance department at a credit card company allowed me to familiarize myself with credit laws and statutes as well as financial systems and I consistently took on tasks that were outside of my job description. I always had a desire to learn more and at this point in time I began to clearly distinguish myself from the average individual.
The Tough Mudder forces you to always strive for the apex of your abilities and that it what I continued to do. I eventually attended graduate school at Hofstra University and received a Master of Science in Business Education, graduating with a 3.97 GPA. As a Business Law teacher not only was I able to transmit the tenets of the law to my students, but I coached the members of the Plainview Moot Court club to win medals in many tournaments. I now desire to practice law and utilize my learned and natural abilities to do so in order to build upon my background in education and business. These, among a multitude of other reasons, are why I wish to attend, and complete, law school.
A law degree is for sure yet another obstacle, another challenge, but I am an achiever that continuously strives for excellence. Fordham Law’s standards and philosophy coincide directly with my own and this is what separates it from other schools. This institution offers a complete legal education to prepare me to become a lawyer. The dynamic location, publications like the Fordham Journal of Corporate and Financial Law, and the externships offered allows Fordham to educate and train me through many diverse forums. My background from multiple professional areas, including business and education, gives me the ability to bring class discussions to another level if I am accepted. Just as I was positive asset to my Tough Mudder teammates and the institutions where I have been employed, I will be a major asset to Fordham Law. The thing about any starting line is that deep down you know that if you work hard enough the finish line is always waiting for you. I am willing to contribute and put in all the necessary work throughout the course and, if given the opportunity, a Fordham Law degree will be waiting at the finish.

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:50 am

Re: First draft please critique

Postby icecold3000 » Fri Jan 04, 2013 12:44 pm

Vpassarelli wrote:Thank you for the critique and comments. This one is re-worked a bit

As I propelled my way over the ten foot wall and completed the eleventh mile of the event, I knew that the finish line was near. With my heart racing, clothes soaking wet, and body sore I could not help but think about the months of weight lifting, training, and hard work which had led me to this point. I was (passive sentences, revise)competing in the Pennsylvania Tough Mudder event which is a fourteen mile course on multiple terrains and consists of 25 different obstacles. The course is designed to test the physical toughness and mental stoutness of the competitor. After several more obstacles, my teammates and I approached the end; our bodies were battered, but our spirits at a surreal high. It was an arduous physical journey that got us to this point and(start new sentence here) when I soared past the finish line with my head held high I did not agonize over the aches and pains nor did I relish for too long in my accomplishment.
That instant on that cold April day symbolizes the way I have been throughout my life; a constant achiever, always looking to accomplish the next goal and not ever never satisfied with anything below my best. In essence, the Tough Mudder event itself represented a microcosm of my life in that it was filled with obstacles, but I never let them stand in my way.
This next paragraph feels totally disconnected. Need transition.As the first person in my family to attend college I had always felt a sense of responsibility when it came to my education and my future career. The Italian family I grew up in consists of over twenty cousins including my younger brother, of which I am the oldest. Similar to a leg of the Tough Mudder, it was difficult going through college without a family member there as a guide discussing their similar experiences, but now I can be that person for my family and I gained employment shortly after graduation. Working in the finance department at a credit card company allowed me to familiarize myself with credit laws and statutes as well as financial systems and I consistently took on tasks that were outside of my job description. I always had a desire to learn more and at this point in time I began to clearly distinguish myself from the average individual.
The Tough Mudder forces you to always strive for the apex of your abilities and that it what I continued to do. I eventually attended graduate school at Hofstra University and received a Master of Science in Business Education, graduating with a 3.97 GPA. As a Business Law teacher not only was I able to transmit the tenets of the law to my students, but I coached the members of the Plainview Moot Court club to win medals in many tournaments. I now desire to practice law and utilize my learned and natural abilities to do so in order to build upon my background in education and business. These, among a multitude of other reasons, are why I wish to attend, and complete, law school.This whole paragraph seems like a rehash of your resume.
A law degree is for sure yet another obstacle, another challenge, but I am an achiever that continuously strives for excellence. Fordham Law’s standards and philosophy coincide directly with my own and this is what separates it from other schools(incoherent sentence). This institution offers a complete legal education to prepare me to become a lawyer(like all law schools?). The dynamic location, publications like the Fordham Journal of Corporate and Financial Law, and the externships offered allows Fordham to educate and train me through many diverse forums. My background from multiple professional areas, including business and education, gives me the ability to bring class discussions to another level if I am accepted. Just as I was positive asset to my Tough Mudder teammates and the institutions where I have been employed, I will be a major asset to Fordham Law. The thing about any starting line is that deep down you know that if you work hard enough the finish line is always waiting for you. I am willing to contribute and put in all the necessary work throughout the course and, if given the opportunity, a Fordham Law degree will be waiting at the finish.


You should look at a few of the example Personal Statements on TLS. This is not winning. Sorry if this seems harsh and good luck.




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