PS Draft for IP(Critique appreciated)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
iqbalicarus
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 4:22 pm

PS Draft for IP(Critique appreciated)

Postby iqbalicarus » Wed Jan 02, 2013 11:31 pm

DELETED
Last edited by iqbalicarus on Thu Jan 03, 2013 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

fallingup
Posts: 481
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 4:34 pm

Re: PS Draft for IP(Critique appreciated)

Postby fallingup » Thu Jan 03, 2013 1:49 am

i think it's too flowery. some description is nice, but currently there's too much and it distracts from what this should be about - you. this is a personal statement, not a mysterious tale of an exotic land. also, it's a little awkward to talk about caste and servants and stuff in a nonchalant fashion like you have done here. generally those things reflect poorly on a person...

iqbalicarus
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 4:22 pm

Re: PS Draft for IP(Critique appreciated)

Postby iqbalicarus » Thu Jan 03, 2013 2:24 am

Thanks for the comment. But what I was going for was an aesthetic contrast between this magical but outmoded world and the volatile, democratic, capitalistic economy that I have worked within; the rest of the essay will I hope be written with more concision.

Your point about caste is pretty well-made though. I was trying to characterize the realm owned by my grandfather and thus reflect things from his perspective; if this doesn't come across, then I'll just revise it to make the irony more explicit.

Thanks a lot.




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