Please critique!!! I spent a lot of time on this! =(

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dhcustom
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:05 pm

Please critique!!! I spent a lot of time on this! =(

Postby dhcustom » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:16 pm

This is my generic 2-page PS for American law school applications. I'm waiting on my Dec LSAT score, GPA is terrible. Going to apply to a lot of "rank 30~50" schools.

edit: And I just realized how long it was... I'm thinking about cutting out the first and last paragraph

I was mentally exhausted, but I was happy. Today was one of those special days where I was able to press CTRL, P, and ENTER buttons on my mechanical gaming keyboard to print my completed essay that was displayed in front of me on two 24-inch flat-screen monitors. Papers were dreadful and time-consuming because of the time that was required to familiarize myself with the topic, come up with a plausible thesis, and gather materials to support it. But that did not deter me from the task. There was no worse feeling than submitting work knowing that did not reflect my best effort, and I cringed whenever I received a grade lower than an A. Days seemed to fly by as I juggled essays and lecture materials. But it wasn’t that bad. After all, writing a paper meant that I got to spend time on my keyboard. Unlike ordinary keyboards, my “Blackwidow” had keys that were spring-loaded, making a click sound each time I inputted a command. I was the maestro of my 124-member symphony. Even though each member produced only one sound, they still responded to my gestures. While typing, I would sometimes ride a momentum where my fingers moved at a blazing speed to input all the words flying through my mind, and the keys responded by playing a faster melody. When I stumbled upon the deadly writer’s block, the orchestra slowed down.

The Blackwidow was fun to type on, and the soft keys made my writing job enjoyable and easier on my wrist. But who am I kidding? I never purchased the gear for academic purposes. The Blackwidow was a gaming keyboard designed to let gamers know they actually pressed a key by producing a click sound. I bought two monitors, not for academic purposes either, but to play games and browse the Internet simultaneously. Video games have been a part of my life since when I was little. When I was given a choice between Hot Wheels cars and a Gameboy during my first ever visit to Toys ‘R Us in Canada, I chose Gameboy without hesitation. So, this summer was a fantastic time for me as I was living the dream that every gaming nerds around the world can dream of.
Professional gaming is a culture in Korea. It is the home for the highest level of competition and the world-renowned gamers. I had a chance to manage a team from the US who had been invited to participate in a televised three-month long tournament in Korea for the PC game League of Legends, the most popular around the world . A chance to be involved in the e-Sports scene, as the professional gaming scene is called, in this capacity was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Meeting the e-Sports celebrities that I published articles about and read about online was exciting for sure, but being at the stadium where the tournament was broadcasted was something else. Although the stadium’s seating capacity was about 120, there were literally hundreds of people crammed in the back, standing for over 3 hours throughout the broadcast. It was more exciting to be there rather than watching it on TV because of the crowd’s deafening cheers. Later, I found myself becoming even more involved and doing other things that I have never done before, such as broadcasting game shows. It was the best summer of my life.

More importantly, though, I had a chance to explore journalism as a career. E-sports journalism appealed to me because it was the perfect fusion of my love for writing and my favourite pastime. My friends and older co-workers told me over beers that I should do what I really wanted to do (and they would give this advice to me repeatedly as they became less and less sober), and I have always believed so. As I was completing my management degree, I found myself taking more and more political science electives because the subject became more interesting to me. Therefore, I deviated from my initial plan to pursue business law after my management degree as per my parent’s advice, and I chose to complete my political science degree before moving on from undergraduate studies. I have no regrets, and I’m actually glad that I did because I found a possible career path in journalism, learned to think critically, and discovered the joy of writing. My parents pushed me towards law school, and I understood why they felt this way. They gave up everything in Korea, including their careers and relatives, and moved to Canada so that my sister and I could have a better life. The environment was clearly disadvantageous to them, both in language and culture. They went through extreme hardship, including theft and verbal harassment from customers, as I watched helplessly. I was the first in my family’s entire generation to attend university, and they desired that I pursue a seemingly more prestigious career.

I chose to apply for law over journalism, not because my parents wanted me to, but because I became convinced that journalism isn’t the long-term path for me. As I spent more time on the job, I found it had become tedious and unrewarding, because I was meeting the same gamers and coaches and asking the same questions to the same people in the same overcrowded e-Sports stadium. It was like the sideline reporters on NFL games on TV asking the same kinds of questions to coaches and players such as “What does the team have to do to make a comeback?” or “What’s the game plan going into the second half?”. The answers were as equally boring as they always involved having to play better, execute better, and work as a team. I also found that, as I was writing more articles, I was running out of things to write about. Then I realized that there wasn’t much to write about except how pixels were moving on a computer monitor or how fast the players were clicking and pressing keys (which, as a writer, I do envy). The nature of journalism itself also became more and more unattractive. The majority, if not all, of the revenues were from advertisements and web traffic. As one journalist that I had met put it, exaggerating content to attract readership was tempting and yet somewhat inevitable because of the standards by which articles and their authors are judged on. This entailed exposing things such as possible conflicts between teammates and creating drama by speculating on roster changes. A journalist could strike gold when problems such as cheating in a tournament surfaced; it would become a competition to see who could publicize and dramatize it the most. The idea of making a big deal out of nothing, just like the media tends to do sometimes, was disenchanting, and I did not want to be a part of it. I realized that career considerations related to hobbies may have been rather short-sighted. I did not want to confine myself to a small world of games with the same few people for the rest of my life. There was not much to look forward to in the long run. Also, the inevitable truth was that the job was contingent on how long the subject lives. Games come and go, and, because of this, my career would be unstable.

Everyone comes from a different walk of life and has their own interesting stories. When I was helping my father with the family motel business, I enjoyed talking to customers from different places and with different occupations. I want a career that involves meeting all sorts of people and becoming a greater part of society. If it wasn’t for legal assistance from a bilingual representative, my parents may not have coped with the difficulties they faced and we may not have had very stable lives. Moreover, I may not have had this chance to be educated or to be at this point in life as education is a privilege that not everyone has access to. I am lucky to have it. I want to be in a position where I can potentially offer representation to those that may not have access to it and make a profound difference in their lives.
Last edited by dhcustom on Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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TripTrip
Posts: 2740
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:52 am

Re: Please critique!!! I spent a lot of time on this! =(

Postby TripTrip » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:24 pm

Holy moly, where are you submitting this? It comes out to five pages double spaced. That's over twice as long as the limit for most schools.

dhcustom wrote:Papers were dreadful and time-consuming because of the time that was required to familiarize myself with the topic, come up with a plausible thesis, and gather materials to support it. But that did not deter me from the task. There was no worse feeling than submitting work knowing that did not reflect my best effort, and I cringed whenever I received a grade lower than an A. Days seemed to fly by as I juggled essays and lecture materials. But it wasn’t that bad.

Here's what this said to me: "Hello law school! While writing may be a critically important lawyerly skill, I hate it! When I was in school, I simply tolerated writing. Also, I'm pretentious."

I didn't get past that paragraph. Sorry, man.

dhcustom
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:05 pm

Re: Please critique!!! I spent a lot of time on this! =(

Postby dhcustom » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:58 pm

TripTrip wrote:Holy moly, where are you submitting this? It comes out to five pages double spaced. That's over twice as long as the limit for most schools.

dhcustom wrote:Papers were dreadful and time-consuming because of the time that was required to familiarize myself with the topic, come up with a plausible thesis, and gather materials to support it. But that did not deter me from the task. There was no worse feeling than submitting work knowing that did not reflect my best effort, and I cringed whenever I received a grade lower than an A. Days seemed to fly by as I juggled essays and lecture materials. But it wasn’t that bad.

Here's what this said to me: "Hello law school! While writing may be a critically important lawyerly skill, I hate it! When I was in school, I simply tolerated writing. Also, I'm pretentious."

I didn't get past that paragraph. Sorry, man.


I actually like writing... if you keep reading I talk about that... I guess I need to reword that part. Thanks

leapincamelleopard
Posts: 32
Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 6:17 pm

Re: Please critique!!! I spent a lot of time on this! =(

Postby leapincamelleopard » Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:17 pm

As has been said, this is a bit long for most applications. It also concentrates mostly on how much you didn't enjoy something which may not be how you want to approach an essay. You are making some large assumptions about law and a lot of the negatives you described in journalism are true for law.

There are some disjointed moments, I think that the last paragraph is supposed to relate back to the end of paragraph three but I am not sure it is successful or that it fits with the paragraph preceding it. You never mention working in a motel before and using this to say that working in a motel is like working in law because you meet people seems strange and stretched.

Overall this seems like an apology for failing to do what you dreamed of and and explanation of how law has become your fall back plan, which is probably true (and is true for many people currently pursuing JDs) but it might not be how you want to come across.

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LexLeon
Posts: 400
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2011 11:03 pm

Re: Please critique!!! I spent a lot of time on this! =(

Postby LexLeon » Wed Jan 02, 2013 9:36 pm

I think the stuff about the keyboard and your metaphors regarding it would do better somewhere else (like a 250).




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