Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
User avatar
TripTrip

Gold
Posts: 2763
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:52 am

Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby TripTrip » Tue Jan 01, 2013 4:05 am

.
Last edited by TripTrip on Wed Jan 02, 2013 6:42 pm, edited 4 times in total.

User avatar
LexLeon

Bronze
Posts: 397
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2011 11:03 pm

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby LexLeon » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:00 pm

Hah, I like that.

But I'm not quite sure it's prime material for a 250.

User avatar
bluepenguin

Bronze
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:01 pm

What's the prompt for Yale?

User avatar
TripTrip

Gold
Posts: 2763
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:52 am

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby TripTrip » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:04 pm

bluepenguin wrote:What's the prompt for Yale?

Write an essay about anything and keep it under 250 words.

Asha wrote:an essay on any subject of your choice, which the Admissions Committee uses "to evaluate an applicant's writing, reasoning, and editing skills."


LexLeon wrote:But I'm not quite sure it's prime material for a 250.

Fair. But if I were to use it, do you see any grammatical errors?

User avatar
dingbat

Gold
Posts: 4975
Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:12 pm

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby dingbat » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:23 pm

Tae Kwon Do is spelled incorrectly

User avatar
TripTrip

Gold
Posts: 2763
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:52 am

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby TripTrip » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:29 pm

dingbat wrote:Tae Kwon Do is spelled incorrectly

Good catch.

User avatar
bluepenguin

Bronze
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:32 pm

Man, so many issues above my ELA skill level.

Commas are not my thing. I wonder if you have it right after 'parlor' and 'skyway' in P1, but it looks right to me.

I think you'd be better without the semicolon at the beginning of P2. I don't think it's technically wrong, just that it doesn't look right.

TripTrip wrote:Two of my coworkers were chasing a juvenile in a white sweatshirt clutching a red jacket in my direction.

Is that right? I skipped the class on ambiguity but couldn't that mean he's clutching the jacket in your direction?

TripTrip wrote: Since he was smaller than me

Shouldn't that be "Since he was smaller than I (am)"?

Congratulations, you've made me feel stupid lol.

User avatar
TripTrip

Gold
Posts: 2763
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:52 am

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby TripTrip » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:48 pm

I'm glad I posted this here for grammatical errors; thanks bluepenguin!

You're right about the verb ambiguity, I reworded that. Also right about the me/I mixup; nice spot. I would never have noticed, but "since me was smaller than he" wouldn't make a lick of sense.

As for the semicolon, I left that in. Changing it to a period makes the "The call came over" feel out of place.

User avatar
bluepenguin

Bronze
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: Yale 250 critique (It's fun, I promise)

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Jan 01, 2013 1:54 pm

Oh yeah, I didn't notice that. I've never used that construction in my life so idk how that works.



Return to “Law School Personal Statements�

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.