Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Lize25
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:49 pm

Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby Lize25 » Mon Dec 31, 2012 4:16 pm

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Last edited by Lize25 on Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

rebexness
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Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:24 am

Re: Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby rebexness » Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:06 pm

The run-on sentences make it hard to follow.

Big Dog
Posts: 1191
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:34 pm

Re: Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby Big Dog » Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:18 pm

you have a LOT of really long sentences, some over 50 words, which make it hard to read. My rule of thumb has always been to try to break up any sentence that clear 25 words (unless it is a list of stuff).

I worked alongside waiters and partners at NYC law firms..


Huh? Were partners of NYC law firms waitressing? Cashiering? (I'm lost.)

My $0.02: you might separate the diversity idea (low income, immigrant) from the 'why law?' portion and make it two essays.

Lize25
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:49 pm

Re: Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby Lize25 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 6:40 pm

I worked with waiters and partners at different times. Will def try to clarify that. I hadn't noticed how hideously long I made these sentences. Thank you so much for the feedback, will definitely take the advice.

I thought about separating the two topics but they truly go together and i dont think id have enough to say about just why law that wouldn't make it ridiculously abstract (though I think I'm bordering on that now). What do you think of the content itself?

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Jan 02, 2013 3:09 am

I read this and find that you are the type of person that I really want to succeed. And I think other will agree with me. I just think you need to really hone your writing and spend a lot more time on this. You have a great theme, but you just do not develop it very artfully. You theme is about how belief and sweat give volume and mass to aspiration. I love how the idea of a home became real when your parents articulated it, and how you supported the idea with milestones like you mom's residency.

Begin fresh with the idea that you have learned to take a dream and make it real by articulating it, by working toward it, and by believing in yourself. Outline you paper making every idea in each paragraph support your thesis. Then rewrite using the active voice.

Here's some quick ideas:
Lize25 wrote:...

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EvilClinton
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Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2012 6:45 pm

Re: Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby EvilClinton » Wed Jan 02, 2013 4:49 am

Shorter sentences. This is very hard to read.

Lize25
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:49 pm

Re: Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby Lize25 » Fri Jan 11, 2013 4:16 pm

Updated entry to revised my version. Thoughts?

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CorkBoard
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Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Hoping to send in a few days. Any thoughts would be great!

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:45 pm

Desperately in need of punctuation. Edits below.

Lize25 wrote:...



You need to consolidate this topic because it is all over the place. Do you want to talk about your parents, and learning from them? Do you want to talk about what you learned while working in NYC? You have weird vague parts in this PS that come out of nowhere and also go nowhere. Find a path topic-wise and follow it. This one is way too expansive.




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