Please critique my PS! :)

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Please critique my PS! :)

Postby pixelated » Mon Dec 31, 2012 3:45 am

I've been getting very different opinions from friends so I would love to get more thoughts on this from the TLS community. Some have said it sounds overwritten while others really like the type of language used - it's really just the way I write but of course that can be edited. Another thing is that the topic I wrote about, a fashion magazine, is obviously not the most intellectual sounding field but I tried to avoid talking about anything actually related to fashion and more about establishing the magazine itself. Hopefully that comes across.

And sorry for so many blanks - since it's so college specific I had to cut out a lot of identifiers...although some can probably still figure it out haha.


PM me if you'd still like to read or exchange!
Last edited by pixelated on Wed Jan 02, 2013 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby bluepenguin » Mon Dec 31, 2012 2:35 pm

This is one the most interesting PS's I've ever read. On the one hand it shows a great command of English (this isn't a first or second draft, is it?). On the other hand it's just a head-scratcher.

1) What about a football game?
2) The whole thing has a very Legally Blonde vibe to it
3) I tend to be suspicious of writing that talks bad about people. Never dis your previous employer in a job interview.
4) I'm not sure your argument for law school being necessary for a career in publishing is very convincing. Or is it that publishing is like law in some philosophical way, and so you feel like that's a good career change because... idk. Once you go into law mode I get lost.
5) Seriously. Legally Blonde.

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Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Mon Dec 31, 2012 3:00 pm

Honestly, reading this gives me an incredibly positive image of you. You have so much drive and personality, and I think you will really stand out. Your writing is also superb.

My only comment would be that the first paragraph seems out of place. I get what you were going for, but I don't know how your football anecdote relates to your thesis at all, even as an introduction.

Still, I loved this PS. I think it's very strong and very unique.

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Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby Lize25 » Mon Dec 31, 2012 5:08 pm

^^ I definitely agree. This is really well written and that is often enough to drag the reader in and make them pay attention. I like what you were trying to do with the first paragraph but I don't think it worked here. Maybe talk about another occasion in which your group got together? Maybe even inject how something in that certain get-together made you think about law (though VERY subtly) so that your last paragraph will bring this initial thought full circle, as it seems like too overt a plug for law-school as is.

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Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby pixelated » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:39 pm

Thanks everyone -that was incredibly helpful! I agree with the first paragraph - I was struggling with the opening for awhile. I guess it does need more reworking, hopefully in a way that will tie in better with the end.

bluepenguin - yeah, I know...the legally blonde vibe is there but hey, if it helps, I'm not blonde in the slightest :P

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Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:44 am

If by overwritten you mean you employ too many modifiers, then this is overwritten. You meander and annoy the reader who wants to know what the hell you are getting at.

I think you take a great risk in insulting the organization that you split from especially in the way you describe things. You seem catty and self-absorbed.

And this quote just cracks me up.
it is this dynamic juxtaposition of ingenuity and logical analysis that has always appealed to me about the study of law

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