Please critique my PS! :)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
pixelated
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2012 3:33 am

Please critique my PS! :)

Postby pixelated » Mon Dec 31, 2012 3:45 am

I've been getting very different opinions from friends so I would love to get more thoughts on this from the TLS community. Some have said it sounds overwritten while others really like the type of language used - it's really just the way I write but of course that can be edited. Another thing is that the topic I wrote about, a fashion magazine, is obviously not the most intellectual sounding field but I tried to avoid talking about anything actually related to fashion and more about establishing the magazine itself. Hopefully that comes across.

And sorry for so many blanks - since it's so college specific I had to cut out a lot of identifiers...although some can probably still figure it out haha.


deleted


PM me if you'd still like to read or exchange!
Last edited by pixelated on Wed Jan 02, 2013 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby bluepenguin » Mon Dec 31, 2012 2:35 pm

This is one the most interesting PS's I've ever read. On the one hand it shows a great command of English (this isn't a first or second draft, is it?). On the other hand it's just a head-scratcher.

1) What about a football game?
2) The whole thing has a very Legally Blonde vibe to it
3) I tend to be suspicious of writing that talks bad about people. Never dis your previous employer in a job interview.
4) I'm not sure your argument for law school being necessary for a career in publishing is very convincing. Or is it that publishing is like law in some philosophical way, and so you feel like that's a good career change because... idk. Once you go into law mode I get lost.
5) Seriously. Legally Blonde.

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stuckinthemiddle
Posts: 312
Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2012 2:24 am

Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Mon Dec 31, 2012 3:00 pm

Honestly, reading this gives me an incredibly positive image of you. You have so much drive and personality, and I think you will really stand out. Your writing is also superb.

My only comment would be that the first paragraph seems out of place. I get what you were going for, but I don't know how your football anecdote relates to your thesis at all, even as an introduction.

Still, I loved this PS. I think it's very strong and very unique.

Lize25
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:49 pm

Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby Lize25 » Mon Dec 31, 2012 5:08 pm

^^ I definitely agree. This is really well written and that is often enough to drag the reader in and make them pay attention. I like what you were trying to do with the first paragraph but I don't think it worked here. Maybe talk about another occasion in which your group got together? Maybe even inject how something in that certain get-together made you think about law (though VERY subtly) so that your last paragraph will bring this initial thought full circle, as it seems like too overt a plug for law-school as is.

pixelated
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2012 3:33 am

Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby pixelated » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:39 pm

Thanks everyone -that was incredibly helpful! I agree with the first paragraph - I was struggling with the opening for awhile. I guess it does need more reworking, hopefully in a way that will tie in better with the end.

bluepenguin - yeah, I know...the legally blonde vibe is there but hey, if it helps, I'm not blonde in the slightest :P

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please critique my PS! :)

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:44 am

If by overwritten you mean you employ too many modifiers, then this is overwritten. You meander and annoy the reader who wants to know what the hell you are getting at.

I think you take a great risk in insulting the organization that you split from especially in the way you describe things. You seem catty and self-absorbed.

And this quote just cracks me up.
it is this dynamic juxtaposition of ingenuity and logical analysis that has always appealed to me about the study of law




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