Very Rough Draft...any feedback I would LOVE!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ugobabe86
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Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Very Rough Draft...any feedback I would LOVE!!!

Postby ugobabe86 » Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:58 pm

Rewriting!
Last edited by ugobabe86 on Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Re: Very Rough Draft...any feedback I would LOVE!!!

Postby ugobabe86 » Mon Dec 31, 2012 4:47 pm

Anyone Please!!!!

Lize25
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:49 pm

Re: Very Rough Draft...any feedback I would LOVE!!!

Postby Lize25 » Mon Dec 31, 2012 4:57 pm

ugobabe86 wrote:An all consuming anger welled up inside me as I read the article describing the murder of children at the hands of those they trusted most, their parents. Reading further, I felt sick at the reasons behind the murders; church leaders telling the parents that their children carried the devil inside them. Reading the article, echoes of my childhood rang loudly in my ears. My upbringing was a tapestry of rampant corruption, divisions along religious, ethnic and tribal lines I witnessed the inability (nor desire) of police officers to solve staggering crimes -this sentence is not coherent. This was emphasized more in crimes against children, some of whom were playmates of mine, taken in the middle of the night to never be heard from again. These were the realities of my childhood; violence was normalized, and I went on without a single thought that things could be different or better.

It would be during my university years while working towards an International Studies degree that I became increasingly aware of the possible impact I could have. Many of my personal experiences influenced my decision to better understand the policies and motives of nations in taking acertain position nationally and internationally. I was brought into contact with new theories and became familiar with NGOs and IGOs, an event held by the Muslim Student Association made a powerful impression on me. The South Carolina fast-a-thon, the first of its kind at the University of South Carolina, featured a little girl named Salee; she had lost both legs to a missile attack that also killed her brother and cousin. Meeting her brought back the events of my childhood and the plight of thousands of children suffering around the world; I knew that I could no longer be comfortable with passivity.

I found an opportunity to work with abused and neglected children as a Court Appointed Special Advocate for Richland County. My first case was Brianna, an emotionally and mentally disabled little girl. In addition to her disabilities, she had cocaine addicted parents that could not provide the supportive home she desperately needed and deserved. I was determined to be Brianna’s voice. The weight of responsibility hit me immediately. The fear that I would fail was palpable. Visiting her home for the first time, my knees wobbled and my heart raced. Speaking to her deflated my fear because I had to soothe her. I knew I could be the positive impact Brianna needed. The work involved finding the little victories; Brianna making the school basketball team and her father completing rehab. Representing her needs in the courtroom pushed me to be more direct and assertive to ensure the best possible results for her.

My fulfillment as an advocate came from a combination of emotional attachment and the belief that in representing Brianna, I was also giving a voice to my muted voices of the children in Nigeria from my past and in that article . I appreciated the precise nature of the law for those who endangered the lives of children and the commitment of the lawyers, social workers and judges fighting for that voice. I have gained an appreciation for the value of advocacy, going below the surface to get to the heart of the child. This has steered me towards law school, where I hope to become better skilled at representing the needs of children like Brianna.

Lize25
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:49 pm

Re: Very Rough Draft...any feedback I would LOVE!!!

Postby Lize25 » Mon Dec 31, 2012 5:00 pm

In red are a few of my corrections to the first two paragraphs. You have a great story and therefore great potential for a powerful personal statement. I think if you polish this up in regards to grammar and come back with a more developed draft, people will be willing to give more feedback.




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