2nd draft. make me black and blue.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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overperformer
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2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby overperformer » Sat Dec 29, 2012 11:24 pm

hgdfgdf
Last edited by overperformer on Wed Jan 02, 2013 12:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

eerie_erie
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby eerie_erie » Sat Dec 29, 2012 11:46 pm

I think you mean "pursuing" in the last paragraph. I think the first paragraph is a little bit depressing--the reader might not want to read on. I would not mention that you always wanted to be a doctor even if it is a non-suit context because it might make a reader doubt whether or not you truly want to be an attorney.

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overperformer
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby overperformer » Sat Dec 29, 2012 11:56 pm

eerie_erie wrote:I think you mean "pursuing" in the last paragraph. I think the first paragraph is a little bit depressing--the reader might not want to read on. I would not mention that you always wanted to be a doctor even if it is a non-suit context because it might make a reader doubt whether or not you truly want to be an attorney.


this critique was not brutal enough.

def persuing.

doctor thing, was meant to well contrast, doctors "weave and stitch" in a surgery, lawyers change lives with words. idk perhaps ambiguous?

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wert3813
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby wert3813 » Sat Dec 29, 2012 11:59 pm

.
Last edited by wert3813 on Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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wert3813
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby wert3813 » Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:03 am

.
Last edited by wert3813 on Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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overperformer
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby overperformer » Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:11 am

wert3813 wrote:http://blogs.law.stanford.edu/admissions/2012/12/09/getting-to-know-you-getting-to-know-all-about-you/

Read that and then honestly ask yourself if you accomplished the questions at the end. I'll be honest, reading it doesn't make me want you as a classmate, I'm not sure if it is going to make adcomms want to admit you.

brutal enough?


no not that brutal. seriously

i see what you're saying. ive worked 55 hours and taken classes full time and summer during college. not much has happened during these 4 years. i knew i wanted to be a lawyer my freshman year of college. my PS is honest. this really did happen.

i see what you mean by X and then Y.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:14 am

Here we go...

1). While I agree with the other posters who expressed concern at writing about high school experiences, yours is less focused on high school and more focused on yourself, which makes it not as lousy. In fact, I could empathize with the story. However, that doesn't mean that the characteristics you showed in overcoming that situation make me want you to attend my law school. It's a nice coming of age story (really) but I don't think the skills you acquired in that transformation are what you really want to write about. Maybe there's another way to write it such that different characteristics stand out, though.

2). I'm going to reiterate what a previous poster highlighted in red. That ending is not something you want to go with. You're not deterred by debt, etc.? That's...interesting. However, your PS isn't the place to put that. It reaches for too much. It's not attractive. Get rid of it.

3). Additionally, I actually made a face at the "I found my calling: becoming a trial lawyer" part. That's just so cliche not to mention untrue. You have no experience being a trial lawyer and it seems disingenuous to suggest that doing well in some high school debate tournaments now means that you want to be a trial attorney. It comes off as even more disingenuous if your resume doesn't have activities on it that lend to being an attorney. Moreover, is the tone you want to leave the adcomm with that you want to be a lawyer because it makes you feel better about yourself? Remember, most of your peers (whom you're competing against) are writing about how they want to better the world and the people in it. Most applicants make the mistake of thinking they have to explain "Why law" in their essay. You don't. Sometimes it nicely fits. But, in yours I don't feel like it does.

4). Lastly, I'm left wondering who you've become in the four years since high school. People change in college, yet I know nothing about what you've been up to during that time. This is one of the reasons people advise against writing about high school. You want the adcomm to see you as you are.

Best of luck to you.

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wert3813
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby wert3813 » Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:21 am

.
Last edited by wert3813 on Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby bluepenguin » Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:58 am

Juris Doctor

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stuckinthemiddle
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:35 am

thelawschoolproject wrote:Here we go...

1). While I agree with the other posters who expressed concern at writing about high school experiences, yours is less focused on high school and more focused on yourself, which makes it not as lousy. In fact, I could empathize with the story. However, that doesn't mean that the characteristics you showed in overcoming that situation make me want you to attend my law school. It's a nice coming of age story (really) but I don't think the skills you acquired in that transformation are what you really want to write about. Maybe there's another way to write it such that different characteristics stand out, though.

2). I'm going to reiterate what a previous poster highlighted in red. That ending is not something you want to go with. You're not deterred by debt, etc.? That's...interesting. However, your PS isn't the place to put that. It reaches for too much. It's not attractive. Get rid of it.

3). Additionally, I actually made a face at the "I found my calling: becoming a trial lawyer" part. That's just so cliche not to mention untrue. You have no experience being a trial lawyer and it seems disingenuous to suggest that doing well in some high school debate tournaments now means that you want to be a trial attorney. It comes off as even more disingenuous if your resume doesn't have activities on it that lend to being an attorney. Moreover, is the tone you want to leave the adcomm with that you want to be a lawyer because it makes you feel better about yourself? Remember, most of your peers (whom you're competing against) are writing about how they want to better the world and the people in it. Most applicants make the mistake of thinking they have to explain "Why law" in their essay. You don't. Sometimes it nicely fits. But, in yours I don't feel like it does.

4). Lastly, I'm left wondering who you've become in the four years since high school. People change in college, yet I know nothing about what you've been up to during that time. This is one of the reasons people advise against writing about high school. You want the adcomm to see you as you are.

Best of luck to you.


Best advice I've seen on this forum. *bow*

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overperformer
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby overperformer » Sun Dec 30, 2012 3:36 pm

thelawschoolproject wrote:Here we go...

1). While I agree with the other posters who expressed concern at writing about high school experiences, yours is less focused on high school and more focused on yourself, which makes it not as lousy. In fact, I could empathize with the story. However, that doesn't mean that the characteristics you showed in overcoming that situation make me want you to attend my law school. It's a nice coming of age story (really) but I don't think the skills you acquired in that transformation are what you really want to write about. Maybe there's another way to write it such that different characteristics stand out, though.

2). I'm going to reiterate what a previous poster highlighted in red. That ending is not something you want to go with. You're not deterred by debt, etc.? That's...interesting. However, your PS isn't the place to put that. It reaches for too much. It's not attractive. Get rid of it.

3). Additionally, I actually made a face at the "I found my calling: becoming a trial lawyer" part. That's just so cliche not to mention untrue. You have no experience being a trial lawyer and it seems disingenuous to suggest that doing well in some high school debate tournaments now means that you want to be a trial attorney. It comes off as even more disingenuous if your resume doesn't have activities on it that lend to being an attorney. Moreover, is the tone you want to leave the adcomm with that you want to be a lawyer because it makes you feel better about yourself? Remember, most of your peers (whom you're competing against) are writing about how they want to better the world and the people in it. Most applicants make the mistake of thinking they have to explain "Why law" in their essay. You don't. Sometimes it nicely fits. But, in yours I don't feel like it does.

4). Lastly, I'm left wondering who you've become in the four years since high school. People change in college, yet I know nothing about what you've been up to during that time. This is one of the reasons people advise against writing about high school. You want the adcomm to see you as you are.

Best of luck to you.



i def agree with what your saying about 4 years of college. that's a great point.

i do address that in great detail in my Why X essay. to be honest, its kind of a coincidence. do you think that would be enough.

and i agree with every other point. thank you very much

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:45 pm

overperformer wrote:
i do address that in great detail in my Why X essay. to be honest, its kind of a coincidence. do you think that would be enough.



I'm not sure what " that" is referring to. My assumption is the trial lawyer stuff. I'm not sure what you mean by "coincidence," and without more information on what you're talking about I don't know how to adequately answer your question. Apologies.

If you've written "why x" essays I'm not sure how you managed to fit in that this experience made you want to be a trial lawyer AND you also fit in why that specific school is the best match for you. Seems like your "why x" might be stretched too thin.

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overperformer
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby overperformer » Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:49 pm

thelawschoolproject wrote:
overperformer wrote:
i do address that in great detail in my Why X essay. to be honest, its kind of a coincidence. do you think that would be enough.



I'm not sure what " that" is referring to. My assumption is the trial lawyer stuff. I'm not sure what you mean by "coincidence," and without more information on what you're talking about I don't know how to adequately answer your question. Apologies.

If you've written "why x" essays I'm not sure how you managed to fit in that this experience made you want to be a trial lawyer AND you also fit in why that specific school is the best match for you. Seems like your "why x" might be stretched too thin.


nononononononono, lol

"that", i was referring to the previous sentence i wrote. about my 4 years of college

nothing to do with the trial lawyer mumbojumbo.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: 2nd draft. make me black and blue.

Postby thelawschoolproject » Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:51 pm

Post your "why X" and I'll let you know if it works or not.




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