EDIT ME!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
broo9339
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2012 7:57 pm

EDIT ME!

Postby broo9339 » Fri Dec 28, 2012 8:19 pm

[b]Hi, I'm about to send out my applications and am rethinking my personal statement. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Last edited by broo9339 on Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

wifeofsamseaborn
Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2012 9:51 pm

Re: EDIT ME!

Postby wifeofsamseaborn » Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:13 pm

Hi OP, you have a very moving, personal story and I respect what both you and your family went through. In order to be as helpful as I can, I'll try to offer honest, constructive criticism. I think you'll find it helpful to really step back and push yourself to think about how this personal story ties into your desire to study the law. To be perfectly honest, if I hadn't read this story in a law school forum, I would have guessed that it was an admissions essay for someone applying to medical school. Of course, details are important for making a piece of writing come to life. But in my opinion, the level of detail and the way that you present them don't seem to construct a path toward law. After reading it, I can tell that you're a strong, resilient person. But how do you relate "giving your mom a voice" to what you will do once you're in law school? At the end, you mention wanting to be an advocate for marginalized people. But when I think about people being marginalized by the law, I think about their rights being limited or curtailed. In your mother's case, she underwent a terrible experience with her health and body, but I'm not sure any of her rights were being marginalized through the process.

Hope this helps, and thanks again for sharing.

broo9339
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Dec 28, 2012 7:57 pm

Re: EDIT ME!

Postby broo9339 » Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:22 pm

Thank you, I appreciate the criticism. I can definitely see what you mean as I was having a difficult time relating the story to law school. I will take that into account when revising :)

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stuckinthemiddle
Posts: 312
Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2012 2:24 am

Re: EDIT ME!

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:38 pm

Hi. I'm sorry for your loss. :(

As much as your mother's story is compelling, it tells me nothing about you. 90% of your PS is about your mother with only the last paragraph relating to your own growth. I feel that you should shorten your mother's story to one paragraph (the introduction) and then spend the rest of the essay discussing your growth, the strengths you gained from the ordeal, what you learned from your mother, what you have done to help others with similar situations, how you would like to use law to improve health care, etc.

Remember that while your mother's story is touching and truly heart-wrenching (:(), this statement should be predominantly about you.




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