My second draft-critique...PLEASE!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mason.zh
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 8:56 pm

My second draft-critique...PLEASE!!!

Postby mason.zh » Thu Dec 27, 2012 9:46 pm

here is my second draft, please critique
Last edited by mason.zh on Sat Dec 29, 2012 8:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.

chadbrochill
Posts: 396
Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2011 12:19 am

Re: My first draft-comments, edits...PLEASE!!!

Postby chadbrochill » Thu Dec 27, 2012 10:50 pm

Hi there,

I'll be honest, I think this PS has a long way to go, and I am guessing by the time its ready, it won't resemble what it is right now so I won't go too deep into grammar/flow issues.

I think far too much time is spent on the specifics of your companies legal issues, and what little you speak of yourself feels very bland and difficult to get a sense of who you are in the midst of everything. I think its good to describe your firsthand experience, but it can be shortened and achieve the same goal.

Paragraph 3 is really where your PS starts and while there is a lot there, I think better organization of your ideas would help the readers come to the conclusion you want them to.

The way I read it, you seem to be business determined, willing to leave your comfort zone to pursue your dreams and then 1 set-back makes you question everything and want to be a lawyer. I think maybe talking more about your motivations/ambitions and experiences can help the reader connect the dots smoother.

Feel free to PM me if you need help brainstorming ideas

mason.zh
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 8:56 pm

Re: My first draft-comments, edits...PLEASE!!!

Postby mason.zh » Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:02 am

chadbrochill wrote:Hi there,

I'll be honest, I think this PS has a long way to go, and I am guessing by the time its ready, it won't resemble what it is right now so I won't go too deep into grammar/flow issues.

I think far too much time is spent on the specifics of your companies legal issues, and what little you speak of yourself feels very bland and difficult to get a sense of who you are in the midst of everything. I think its good to describe your firsthand experience, but it can be shortened and achieve the same goal.

Paragraph 3 is really where your PS starts and while there is a lot there, I think better organization of your ideas would help the readers come to the conclusion you want them to.

The way I read it, you seem to be business determined, willing to leave your comfort zone to pursue your dreams and then 1 set-back makes you question everything and want to be a lawyer. I think maybe talking more about your motivations/ambitions and experiences can help the reader connect the dots smoother.

Feel free to PM me if you need help brainstorming ideas


Thanks for your comments. I am working on the second draft. Expect your furhter suggestions when it is done....




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