Please look over my DS! =)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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applemaroon
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Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2012 5:04 pm

Please look over my DS! =)

Postby applemaroon » Wed Dec 26, 2012 11:47 pm

Deleted.
Last edited by applemaroon on Thu Dec 27, 2012 5:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bitsy
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Re: Please look over my DS! =)

Postby bitsy » Thu Dec 27, 2012 12:44 am

super super cool DS apple. i love how you grounded it with the spinach line right up front-- so much personality. a specific anecdote like that near the end might perk it up a little instead of the more generic "accolade garnering essay."

no experience with physical fighting meant I couldn’t physically wipe away the smirks of superiority on other kids’ faces even when I itched to do so.
--bit awkward, especially with the "physical" repeat. also, a bit violent.

still lurks

you might discuss the employment your parents found in the US and what their current situation is, since the circumstances of your poorness are a bit nebulous (though well-supported by the descriptions of your coping).

the last sentence of the last paragraph is a turn from the preceding discussion. you're talking about your reputation for most of the DS, but then conclude with self-image. you could build in the development of your identity a little more, because the emphasis seems to be placed on how others view you.

great job!! it was a really enjoyable read.

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annet
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Re: Please look over my DS! =)

Postby annet » Thu Dec 27, 2012 1:15 am

This is a great DS Apple.

I agree with Bitsy though, I think you might want to use the third paragraph to push why you are awesome.

Something like this. And then tack on a sentence or two about your accomplishments in the face of adversity - scholarships/awards/supporting your family/etc.

*poof*
Last edited by annet on Fri Dec 28, 2012 10:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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applemaroon
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Re: Please look over my DS! =)

Postby applemaroon » Thu Dec 27, 2012 5:55 pm

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Last edited by applemaroon on Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sabp21
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Re: Please look over my DS! =)

Postby sabp21 » Thu Dec 27, 2012 6:40 pm

Just a quick note: I read this DS last night and enjoyed it. You read as good-humored and optimistic, with solid amounts of perseverance and grit.

I don't agree with all of the omits that anon made, however. For instance, I find this part charming and illustrative of your voice and personality: "In my broken English, I learned to turn insults into light (sometimes self-deprecating) jokes about my undying passion for garage sales and such. Thankfully, people laughed. To my relief, classmates started to see me more for me and my personality than for my ill-fitting clothes and the backpack that had been patched together one too many times."

My only issue is that it is a bit overly self-deprecating. Cutting the parts about relief over wanting to fit in, my edit would go more like this: "In my broken English, I learned to turn insults into light and sometimes self-deprecating jokes about my undying passion for garage sales and such. Over time, classmates started to see me more for me and my personality than for my ill-fitting clothes and the backpack that had been patched together one too many times." Combined with your academic persistence, I think it helps to shape a message of you choosing to forge your own identity, overcoming stereotypes or assumptions others may have placed upon you.

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applemaroon
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Re: Please look over my DS! =)

Postby applemaroon » Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:56 pm

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Last edited by applemaroon on Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

chadbrochill
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Re: Please look over my DS! =)

Postby chadbrochill » Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:38 am

showing some love b/c i got called out :P

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applemaroon
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Re: Please look over my DS! =)

Postby applemaroon » Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:52 pm

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