Diversity Statement Help Please!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
albardz
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 5:24 pm

Diversity Statement Help Please!!

Postby albardz » Fri Dec 21, 2012 5:32 pm

Hi! I was hoping some of you could help me edit this rough draft of a personal statement. I am fairly stuck.

As I sat on the exam room table, I gazed up at the poster of a beach scene tucked into a ceiling panel. As I wondered how many people that poster actually comforted, the door swung open with a jolt. The doctor entered holding the folder that revealed my fate. I frantically wondered how I got to this point. I was only having trouble swallowing because it was the morning and I hadn’t had my daily cup of orange juice. There was no way they actually felt a lump on my throat. I felt perfectly fine. When the doctor finally spoke, I knew that normal as I knew it was going to change. I frantically searched his face for a smile or any indication of a prank and there was none. At 19 years old, I had been diagnosed with cancer.
Though the severity of the disease has been recently absent, the effect that the cancer left on me will stay forever. Though challenges this disease caused me to face, both physical and mental, taunted me endlessly to quit, my dedication never allowed me to waiver. Instead, I made the decision to persevere and become a model of hope for those around me. Since my diagnosis, I made the decision to get even more involved with the Children’s Miracle Network. Every dollar I now dedicate my life to raise goes to children, who were just like me; struggling for hope. As the Partnership Development Director for Blank, the Blank’s Dance Marathon benefitting the Children’s Miracle Network, I give hope and I create miracles. I know that even the purchase of a small red wagon means, to a sick child, escape to the Child Life room and a reminder of a normal, healthy life.
To us the regular hospital visits, tests, medications, and constant worry are normal. To someone else their own everyday life, race, sex, religion, or beliefs are normal. The truth is: there is no one normal. Normal is diverse and diversity does not come from what has been given to you, what has been in the past, nor your diagnosis, it comes from your passion and dedication to excel as a true individual. Diversity allows a sea of unique individuals, dreams, and ideas become one living, breathing, and growing community. My diversity has allowed me to connect with my community and help those around me find their own new normal. Now, this same passion and dedication has caused me to look forward to adding Blank Law School to my new normal.

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LexLeon
Posts: 400
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2011 11:03 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Help Please!!

Postby LexLeon » Wed Dec 26, 2012 3:06 pm

albardz wrote:Hi! I was hoping some of you could help me edit this rough draft of a personal statement. I am fairly stuck.

As I sat on the exam room table, I gazed up at the poster of a beach scene tucked into a ceiling panel. As I wondered how many people that poster actually comforted, the door swung open with a jolt. The doctor entered holding the folder that revealed my fate. I frantically wondered how I got to this point. I was only having trouble swallowing because it was the morning and I hadn’t had my daily cup of orange juice. There was no way they actually felt a lump on my throat. I felt perfectly fine. When the doctor finally spoke, I knew that normal as I knew it was going to change. I frantically searched his face for a smile or any indication of a prank and there was none. At 19 years old, I had been diagnosed with cancer.
Though the severity of the disease has been recently absent, the effect that the cancer left on me will stay forever. Though challenges this disease caused me to face, both physical and mental, taunted me endlessly to quit, my dedication never allowed me to waiver. Instead, I made the decision to persevere and become a model of hope for those around me. Since my diagnosis, I made the decision to get even more involved with the Children’s Miracle Network. Every dollar I now dedicate my life to raise goes to children, who were just like me; struggling for hope. As the Partnership Development Director for Blank, the Blank’s Dance Marathon benefitting the Children’s Miracle Network, I give hope and I create miracles. I know that even the purchase of a small red wagon means, to a sick child, escape to the Child Life room and a reminder of a normal, healthy life.
To us the regular hospital visits, tests, medications, and constant worry are normal. To someone else their own everyday life, race, sex, religion, or beliefs are normal. The truth is: there is no one normal. Normal is diverse and diversity does not come from what has been given to you, what has been in the past, nor your diagnosis, it comes from your passion and dedication to excel as a true individual. Diversity allows a sea of unique individuals, dreams, and ideas become one living, breathing, and growing community. My diversity has allowed me to connect with my community and help those around me find their own new normal. Now, this same passion and dedication has caused me to look forward to adding Blank Law School to my new normal.


You used at least one semicolon improperly.

You used the word "waiver," when you probably meant to use the word "waver."

You said "Though challenges" when you probably meant to say "Through the challenges..."

You spelled "benefiting" incorrectly.

Never use the word "their" to refer to the possession of a single person, unless there is a particular reason you would like to be grammatically incorrect.

You have various awkwardly phrased ideas. You should probably say "I decided" and "no one is normal," in place of "I made the decision to" and "there is no one normal," for example.

This sentence is not clear:

"Normal is diverse and diversity does not come from what has been given to you, what has been in the past, nor your diagnosis, it comes from your passion and dedication to excel as a true individual."

You need to support the proposition that normal is diverse. You need to explain what a "true individual" is.

The whole part after "The truth is:..." needs serious reworking. You should rewrite the entire statement, at least once.

I was left wondering what type of cancer you were diagnosed with and what the "Child Life room" is.

You have good potential for a statement here, especially given your involvement with the Miracle Network. That involvement demonstrates a substantial commitment.

Be sure to have a skilled writer who you respect review your writing before you submit it. TLS is not sufficient to serve this purpose.

May God bless you.




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