Personal Statement - any help appreciated, thank you.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Personal Statement - any help appreciated, thank you.

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:29 pm

. Thank you
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Dec 23, 2012 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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DocHawkeye
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Re: Personal Statement - any help appreciated, thank you.

Postby DocHawkeye » Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:47 pm

I think that this is a very interesting statement and pretty well written. I don't say these things very often or easily. The fact that I got past the first sentence speaks volumes. One slight usage issue - I would use "accepted and enrolled at" rather than "with" in paragraph 6.

Also, I think this statement is quite daring because it reveals your age and gender as well as strongly suggests that you have a child and hints at your religion (I feel like you're probably Catholic). None of these things is wrong to reveal per se, but are all generally things that American employers are forbidden to ask about and many people chose not to reveal in their personal statements. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you change because it I think it is a good story, but it is something to think about.

Finally, because this is a compelling and interesting story, be careful that the paragraphs that you add to to it about the individual schools carry this authenticity. There is a real danger that, if they're not well thought out, they will ring false when compared to this beginning.

Overall, good work though.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273601
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Personal Statement - any help appreciated, thank you.

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:50 pm

DocHawkeye wrote:I think that this is a very interesting statement and pretty well written. I don't say these things very often or easily. The fact that I got past the first sentence speaks volumes. One slight usage issue - I would use "accepted and enrolled at" rather than "with" in paragraph 6.

Also, I think this statement is quite daring because it reveals your age and gender as well as strongly suggests that you have a child and hints at your religion (I feel like you're probably Catholic). None of these things is wrong to reveal per se, but are all generally things that American employers are forbidden to ask about and many people chose not to reveal in their personal statements. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you change because it I think it is a good story, but it is something to think about.

Finally, because this is a compelling and interesting story, be careful that the paragraphs that you add to to it about the individual schools carry this authenticity. There is a real danger that, if they're not well thought out, they will ring false when compared to this beginning.

Overall, good work though.


Thank you. I am neither Catholic nor a mother but I can definitely see how that would come across as such. I appreciate your comments and final warning. I will be sure not to fall into that trap.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read this. Much appreciated.




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