Please critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ALgooner
Posts: 163
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 12:23 am

Please critique my PS

Postby ALgooner » Thu Dec 20, 2012 2:02 am

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Last edited by ALgooner on Mon Dec 31, 2012 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Dec 20, 2012 2:34 am

Not a bad bit of stuff, my North London frenemy. Draft isn't that rough. Well written until the last two paragraphs. They're a disaster. Second to last paragraph is just overwritten. Last one is a whole lot of telling instead of showing.

You could probably reduce NAME's role without taking too much of a hit, although I appreciate what you're doing with the character.

Most of P5 can go.

B90
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:08 pm

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby B90 » Thu Dec 20, 2012 10:56 am

Are you about to submit this today? I like it. I only had the chance to skim it so far. I will do an edit this evening. Excellent draft, though.

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ALgooner
Posts: 163
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 12:23 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby ALgooner » Thu Dec 20, 2012 2:35 pm

Uh oh, penguin. Spurs fan? Reading over the next to last paragraph again, I agree it is overwritten. The later into the night I wrote, the cheesier my metaphors became.


B90, I am not planning on submitting today. Hopefully this weekend. I would really appreciate any editing you could do!

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ALgooner
Posts: 163
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2012 12:23 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby ALgooner » Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:12 pm

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Last edited by ALgooner on Tue Jan 08, 2013 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please critique my PS

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Jan 02, 2013 2:27 am

Sort of a resume rehash. The writing is fairly weak as well. I would start over with a theme that you can build on. And grab the readers attention more powerfully but less dramatically. Something like, "It was the aftermath of a large tornado that actually lifted me up and spun me in a new direction."

Try to avoid assuming the reader knows what you are thinking. For example you write, "I immersed myself in the position." What does that mean? Or "When I started at ORGANIZATION, I saw my position as a means to an end." This is vague and nondescriptive." Tell the reader more effectively what you are thinking. For example, "I volunteered as a means of supporting others aspirations, but found it was my own that grew larger." The reader does not know what means and what ends to which you refer.




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