Anyone willing to critique my Personal Statement?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
DeterminedToOvercome
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:20 am

Anyone willing to critique my Personal Statement?

Postby DeterminedToOvercome » Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:25 am

Sorry for the repost!
Last edited by DeterminedToOvercome on Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

B90
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:08 pm

Re: Anyone willing to critique my Personal Statement?

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:47 am

Only because I like your screen name, I will edit it tomorrow. It is, however, quite long. Are you applying to Berkeley?

DeterminedToOvercome
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:20 am

Re: Anyone willing to critique my Personal Statement?

Postby DeterminedToOvercome » Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:54 am

I am long winded so to speak. I do plan on reducing its length especially after much editing.

B90
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:08 pm

Re: Anyone willing to critique my Personal Statement?

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 19, 2012 10:07 pm

As promised, I will give your PS an edit. I noticed that you started a duplicate thread. I believe that is against tls rules. I would ask the mods to lock delete/one. :oops:
I would have gotten to your PS sooner, but I saw your second thread and my post wasn't in it. I didn't realize you were the same person I agreed to help yesterday.
One thing that I will mention: there are words or phrases in each paragraph that are redundant. Many sentences could be combined. There is also a fair amount of awkward wording.
That said, you have started the most difficult part; you managed to get something down on the page.
I will get my edits to you as soon as I can tomorrow.

DeterminedToOvercome
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:20 am

Re: Anyone willing to critique my Personal Statement?

Postby DeterminedToOvercome » Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:46 pm

I decided to start fresh because it just didn't flow well enough when I was writing it. I am willing to send you my new updated PS via pm.

I feel more confident about what I wanted to say and how to get my message across to the reader.




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