1st draft--suggestions?

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Anonymous User
Posts: 273357
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

1st draft--suggestions?

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 18, 2012 8:11 pm

This is a rough draft. It is already 3 pages, well over what I'd like it to be. I added some information about when I first became interested in law since I figured it might be essential information, but that took up space and now things don't connect too well. Any suggestions on what to scrap (besides the part about skydiving) or how to make it better in general? Thanks.

“There are two types of people in the world: people that things happen to, and people that make things happen.” I heard this mantra every other day from my high school criminal justice teacher, Mr. Hope. Although I did not understand why he constantly said this, what was even more puzzling was that he would often direct the statement towards me in particular. However, during my second year in college, I remembered his words and they profoundly resonated with me.
Around my sophomore year of college, I realized I was completely unhappy with who I was and with being in college. I had no friends because I was terribly shy and I felt that I had no control over my life. Someone else had dictated almost every decision I was faced with, even as far as what college I attended and what I wore to class. Realizing that crying myself to sleep would change absolutely nothing, I decided to finally become proactive, by joining on-campus organizations.
Even as a child, I always questioned the idea of fairness and justice. Why did I go to school with children who were always hungry when I ate all the time? I remember at eight, I spent the whole day crying and asking my mom why a little girl I had read about, had to suffer from Brittle Bone disease. The only answer I got was that life was not fair. I believe this was when I began telling everyone I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up. I retained my interests in justice and in being a lawyer in later years, but I did not act on them. So sophomore year, I joined Amnesty International. I also joined xxx Sorority, Inc. I gained a group of life-long connections and learned how to interact with culturally and ethnically diverse groups of people. I became more outgoing, and more importantly, I became a leader. Being in a sorority took up a significant amount of time outside of school, and becoming Secretary of my chapter required me to be extremely organized, punctual, and detailed. I also served as Parliamentarian, which was the most fulfilling position I had. For the first time, I was allowed to further explore my interest in law by enforcing chapter standards and overseeing misconduct hearings.
This was also the most emotionally grueling position, as I had to serve as a mediator during conflicts, which were sometimes fierce, and often times I had to make decisions that caused other parties to be angry with me. Developing thick skin, analyzing information before making critical decisions, and communicating verbally were all skills I lacked before obtaining this position. However, after a year positive evaluations by my sisters, and an exceptional display of these skills, I was elected Parliamentarian again and as Vice-President of my chapter.
Community service plays a large role in sorority involvement as well. In 2011, the rate of men, women, and children living on the streets in Atlanta was 41%. After volunteering at various homeless shelters and talking with the men and women I encountered on the streets, I discovered helping the poor and needy was something I enjoyed doing. When my direct involvement with Amnesty International and even my sorority began to decrease because of my work schedule, I still found time to volunteer with the homeless in some capacity. Working with the poor is something I know will always be a part of my life, and is what has prompted me to apply to xxx University School of Law. I was absolutely ecstatic when I found that the school offered a specialization in inequality and poverty law. Attending xxx University would allow me to integrate my interest in the law with my passion for social justice and working with the homeless.
I noticed my newfound ability to speak up and make my own decisions had affected my personal life as well. My mother and I got into an argument about her telling me what I type of law I should practice and that I need to go to school near home. The fact that I actually exchanged dialogue with her not only showed I had changed, but I knew law was something I cared about deeply, because I was forced to listen to her go on for weeks about how I should not call home once I realize how miserable my life is. Last month, I faced my extreme fear of heights by going skydiving and jumping 14,500 feet out of a plane at the disapproval of others around me, and I loved every second of it.
A few months ago, I told a lawyer whom I interned with in 2010, that I had begun applying to law schools. Her response was, “Good, I think you can do it now.”

B90
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:08 pm

Re: 1st draft--suggestions?

Postby B90 » Tue Dec 18, 2012 10:35 pm

Anonymous User wrote:This is a rough draft. It is already 3 pages, well over what I'd like it to be. I added some information about when I first became interested in law since I figured it might be essential information, but that took up space and now things don't connect too well. Any suggestions on what to scrap (besides the part about skydiving) or how to make it better in general? Thanks.

“There are two types of people in the world: people that things happen to, and people that make things happen.” I heard this mantra every other day from my high school criminal justice teacher, Mr. Hope. Although I did not understand why he constantly said this, what was even more puzzling was that he would often direct the statement towards me in particular. However, during my second year in college, I remembered his words and they profoundly resonated with me.
Around my sophomore year of college, I realized I was completely unhappy with who I was and with being in college. I had no friends because I was terribly shy and I felt that I had no control over my life. Someone else had dictated almost every decision I was faced with, even as far as what college I attended and what I wore to class. Realizing that crying myself to sleep would change absolutely nothing, I decided to finally become proactive, by joining on-campus organizations.

Even as a child, I always questioned the idea of fairness and justice. Why did I go to school with children who were always hungry when I ate all the time? I remember at eight, I spent the whole day crying and asking my mom why a little girl I had read about there should not be a comma here, had to suffer from Brittle Bone disease. The only answer I got was that life was not fair. I believe this was when I began telling everyone I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up. I retained my interests in justice and in being a lawyer in later years, but I did not act on them. So sophomore year, I joined Amnesty International. I also joined xxx Sorority, Inc. I gained a group of life-long connections and learned how to interact with culturally and ethnically diverse groups of people. I became more outgoing change this comma to a semicolon, and more importantly, I became a leader. Being in a sorority took up a significant amount of time outside of school, and becoming Secretary of my chapter required me to be extremely organized, punctual, and detailed. I also served as Parliamentarian, which was the most fulfilling position I had. For the first time, I was allowed to further explore my interest in law by enforcing chapter standards and overseeing misconduct hearings.
This was also the most emotionally grueling position, as I had to serve as a mediator during conflicts, which were sometimes fierce, and often times I had to make decisions that caused other parties to be angry with me. Developing thick skin, analyzing information before making critical decisions, and communicating verbally were all skills I lacked before obtaining this position.
Community service plays a large role in sorority involvement as well. In 2011, the rate of men, women, and children living on the streets in Atlanta was 41%. After volunteering at various homeless shelters and talking with the men and women I encountered on the streets, I discovered helping the poor and needy was something I enjoyed doing. When my direct involvement with Amnesty International and even my sorority began to decrease because of my work schedule, I still found time to volunteer with the homeless in some capacity. Working with the poor is something I know will always be a part of my life, and is what has prompted me to apply to xxx University School of Law. absolutely ecstatic when I found that the school offered a specialization in inequality and poverty law. Attending xxx University would allow me to integrate my interest in the law with my passion for social justice and working with the homeless.
I noticed my newfound ability to speak up and make my own decisions had affected my personal life as well. My mother and I got into an argument about her telling me what I type of law I should practice and that I need to go to school near home. The fact that I actually exchanged dialogue with her not only showed I had changed, but I knew law was something I cared about deeply, because I was forced to listen to her go on for weeks about how I should not call home once I realize how miserable my life is. Last month, I faced my extreme fear of heights by going skydiving and jumping 14,500 feet out of a plane at the disapproval of others around me, and I loved every second of it.
A few months ago, I told a lawyer whom I interned with in 2010, that I had begun applying to law schools. Her response was, “Good, I think you can do it now.”


You use a lot of unnecessary/redundant words. Remove everything I highlighted in red or pink. After you do this, I will edit it further, if you would like.
Also, I am fully aware that I am being trolled. Well done.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273357
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 1st draft--suggestions?

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 21, 2012 6:28 pm

Trolled?

B90
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:08 pm

Re: 1st draft--suggestions?

Postby B90 » Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:01 pm

I am sorry. I didn't respond to the "trolling" comment because I haven't checked this thread recently.
I wasn't trolling. It is all sorts of evil to troll the PS thread, and I am uninterested in a fast pass to Hell. :twisted:
To clarify, what I meant was I think you should delete everything in red/replace it with my suggested words or phrases (or something similar). I think your first and last paragrahs should be deleted because I think your PS would be more concise without them. I am happy to further explain my comments, if you would like.
As always, this is just an opinion. It is your PERSONAL statement, after all. :wink:

Anonymous User
Posts: 273357
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 1st draft--suggestions?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 26, 2012 4:38 pm

Um okay. I was attempting to create a narrative (and a true story), around a larger theme--taking initiative--but it went horribly wrong. Any suggestions on anything else I should add? Most schools ask if you have financial or medical hardships, and God have I got some serious financial ones. I thought about adding that in there, but I'm trying to limit the statement to 2 pages.

B90
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:08 pm

Re: 1st draft--suggestions?

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 26, 2012 7:15 pm

Address the medical OR financial hardships in a separate DS.




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