Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
superhopefulwoo
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Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby superhopefulwoo » Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:57 am

[The revisions from bluepenguin below are from a different version]

Please help me refine and make my essay more concise. I'm actually relatively happy with the content, so I just want to make it clean and neat and 'presentable' if you will. Anyone who can do this... I will owe you! An edit, a hug, whatever floats your boat virtually.

[removed]
Last edited by superhopefulwoo on Wed Dec 19, 2012 6:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Diversity Statement Revised - Would love help!

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 18, 2012 2:15 am

superhopefulwoo wrote:When I moved to Hawai’i, I was introduced to the term haole, a local reference to outsiders. I have been a haole my entire life because of my multifarious identity. I grew up struggling to belong in a community, but the attributes others considered faults have proven to be powerful when combined together.
As a child, I felt inferior to most peers because they would point out the haole they saw in me. In America, I remember a classmate sneering, “your grandparents killed my grandparents,” and even in Japan, the girls called me buta, or pig, because I was larger than the other girls. However, my quinceañera introduced me to a sense of acceptance by a community.


I'm gonna respond to this bit before I even look at the rest. I'm really slogging through this- I have no idea what's going on.
"Multifarious identity" - What are the components?
"The attributes others considered faults have proven to be powerful" - What attributes? Why are you saying this?

The second paragraph there really lost me. The grandparents thing could mean another Axis bloodline, and while the next line hints that you have Japanese heritage, it's still not crystal clear. Once you say you had a quinceañera things get really confusing. Why wasn't your haole in Japan your Latina heritage?

I can figure it out (I think), but it's way too hard.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Diversity Statement Revised - Would love help!

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 18, 2012 2:25 am

"My mother had taught me the importance of being quiet and humble."

Again, I'm having to infer (that she is your Asian parent). Not good.

"While I value both ideas, they did not serve me well when I wanted to relate to others."

Why not?


I really don't know what's going on with paragraph 4. It's marginally related to the rest, at best. You also cover a lot of ground **way** too fast.

In P5 you start talking about the balance of the cultures, when the body had been primarily about your hispanic side. This might make sense if it had been about a repressed or undiscovered hispanic side coming into balance, but you really don't give enough attention to your asian heritage to make that work.

What economic stresses?



To be honest, this whole thing seems like *you* know what you're saying, but you're not recognizing where you're leaving the reader in the dark.

superhopefulwoo
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Re: Diversity Statement Revised - Would love help!

Postby superhopefulwoo » Tue Dec 18, 2012 2:33 am

I'll address this part first - basically, my hispanic side did only get revealed to me in my teenage years because my father was missing. I was told mentioning that would be kind of negative so I didn't add that in, but basically I didn't know I was Hispanic till way later.

Essentially - I was always an outsider in America, my birth place, and Japan, one of my main ethnic backgrounds. Haole struck me as a term that suited me because of that. The undiscovered latina side actually helped me take all of my ethnic parts and embrace who I am. Economic struggles... well I didn't even know if we'd have toilet paper growing up. My mom put herself in debt trying to put me in a private school. There's a whole other side of me getting ridiculed by kids for living in apartments my whole life and not living in nice neighborhoods. But I can't really cover everything here.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Diversity Statement Revised - Would love help!

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 18, 2012 3:08 am

Wow.

Well forget about the negativity, that detail is vital to understanding the story.

But I have to be honest with you here. I don't want to go too hard on you, but you need it. Right now, I'd give this thing an F. If I went through and polished the writing until I could see my reflection in it I might be able to get it to low C territory. It needs a LOT of work. And even then it really tells me very little. Mostly it just tells me your ethnic identity (which is on your application forms) and your personal experience with it (which, frankly, is going to be difficult to distinguish in a valuable way from the scores of other applicants with roughly the same experience).

You either need to flesh out that cultural discovery angle more thoroughly, scrap the DS, or think about writing about another topic like your experience with (what sounds like) poverty, which might also have potential.

superhopefulwoo
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby superhopefulwoo » Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:33 pm

If any kind editor might help me, I'd so very much appreciate it

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Skier
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby Skier » Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:08 pm

superhopefulwoo wrote:If any kind editor might help me, I'd so very much appreciate it


Well I actually quite like your diversity statement but I don't have the experience to give editing advice.

I hope it helps having a second opinion. Then again I'm only ACanadian and all we do up here is play hockey and live in igloos.

cynthiad
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby cynthiad » Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:40 pm

First you need to rewrite this from scratch. Here's some advice for formatting a first draft. You're structuring this as a narrative, so each paragraph should represent an event or time in your life, how it affected you, and how you responded, and then lead into the next paragraph. From reading your post, it seems like these are the events you want to convey:

1) Introduction: I moved to Hawai'i when I was (?) years old from (?). I was called/considered a haole (outsider). I have felt like an outsider my whole life because I am multiethnic. My mother is Japanese and my absent father is Hispanic. I used to feel ____, but now_____. (You need to write that you didn't know your father or that you were Latina in this paragraph to make the rest make sense. Also, if you didn't know your father or his heritage, how did you know your grandmother? Explain this) (Also, include a brief explanation of your family moving around so much)

2) In Hawai'i I was teased because of my Japanese heritage. (Add how this made you feel, how you reacted, what you did, etc) (Also, might want to move the stuff about your uncle here, so all the stuff about your Japanese heritage is together)

3) (You mention Japan. Did you live in Japan or just visit? If you lived there, tell us when you moved) I was also an outsider in Japan, even though my mother is Japanese, because I looked different. I stood up for a kid who was being bullied because my Hispanic grandmother taught me to stand up for myself.

4) When I was (age) I found out that my father was Latino (elaborate on your father's absence, why you didn't know that you were half Latina, and how you found out). (Then add how you felt about this and how it shaped your understanding of your identity. I'm not sure that you should include a detailed description of your appearance--you can mention it, but don't describe your physical features at length, this should be about you, not how you look)

5) My grandmother held a quinceanera for me. (Write how this made you feel more connected to your Hispanic heritage and your father's family, etc) (Write about what you learned from them, how they changed you)

6) Conclusion--how your experiences have made you the person you are today.

NOTE: If you didn't mention your family's economic situation in your personal statement, it might be wise to add a paragraph about it to your diversity statement.

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PickMe!
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby PickMe! » Tue Dec 18, 2012 6:13 pm

superhopefulwoo wrote:[The revisions from bluepenguin below are from a different version]


DIVERSITY STATEMENT:
When I moved to Hawai’i Hawaii, I was introduced to the term haole, a local reference to outsiders. I have been a haole my entire life because of my multiethnic identity. I grew up struggling to belong to a community, but the attributes I once thought made me inferior have proven to be powerful assets.

My fear of rejection was most challenged in my youth. I remember a classmate sneering, “your grandparents killed my grandparents,” on the first day of school. Others frowned at me for requesting extra assignments, but I was simply demonstrating the work ethic my Asian mother had instilled me. Even in Japan, where I looked similar to my peers, the kids would tease me for my size. They called me buta, or meaning pig because I was larger than the other Asian girls. There was one incident where I expressed discernment for outrage at a group of my peers for beating a disabled classmate, and they resented me for vocalizing my beliefs against such speaking out against the abuse. I took a stand anyway because my Hispanic grandmother taught me the importance of expressing oneself, even in the face of fear.
I was unaware that the woman advising me to assert myself in my youth was Hispanic. Due to my father’s absence and my mother’s hesitation to discuss him, I was unaware of my roots until my teenage years. From the moment my mother shared that I was half Latina, I began to understand why I was not like the other children in the classroom. Physically, my face is detailed with almond shaped eyes and a tall nose. My long dark hair betrays my Asian half with hints of waves. In the winter I am pale as snow, but the summer warms my skin tone. Beyond this, my experiences with my families molded me into the person I am today.
I still remember the quinceañera my paternal grandmother arranged for me. Our family could not afford an extravagant event, and we had moved yet again so I had no friends with whom to celebrate. My grandmother surprised me by inviting her sister’s nieces to McDonalds. These girls may have been strangers, but I felt the warmth of belonging. I admired those girls and the other Latina women around me for their open forms of expression. They were unafraid to express their thoughts, and watching them, I have flourished as a communicator and overcome my fears of rejection.
My perseverance, however, is from my mother’s family. The sight of my uncle, Takeojisan, diligently working to feed his family each day affected me the most. “When you have food to bring to a family, your self is irrelevant,” he would tell me as he worked through another cold. I respected his dedication to his family and work and applying those values to my life allowed me to succeed as a first generation college student and build my independence to pay for my shelter and expenses after almost losing a home.

The truth is, not every aspect of me is exclusively attributable to one cultural identity. However, it is because of my multicultural background that I understand this fact. This is why, I am no longer troubled by being a haole. Instead, I embrace it, knowing that I can use my knowledge to educate my peers or even community members on what I believe is just a fear of the unknown. So I am proud be a Hispanic, Asian haole, and I hope to share the wealth of my diversity with my peers in law school as well.

B90
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby B90 » Tue Dec 18, 2012 9:38 pm

DIVERSITY STATEMENT:
When I moved to Hawaii, I was introduced to the term "haole", a local reference to outsiders. I have been a "haole"my entire life because of my multiethnic identity. I grew up struggling to belong to a community, but the attributes I once thought made me inferior have proven to be powerful assets.
My fear of rejection was most challenged in my youth. I remember a classmate sneering, “your grandparents killed my grandparents,” on the first day of school. Others frowned at me for requesting extra assignments, but I was simply demonstrating the work ethic my Asian mother had instilled me. Even in Japan, where I looked similar to my peers, the kids would tease me for my size. They called me "buta," or pig, because I was larger than the other Asian girls. There was one incident where I screamed at/reprimanded/went batshit crazy on a group of peers beating a disabled classmate, and they resented me for vocalizing my beliefs against such abuse. I took a stand anyway because my Hispanic grandmother taught me the importance of expressing oneself, even in the face of fear.
I was unaware that the woman advising me to assert myself in my youth there should be a space herewas Hispanic. Due to my father’s absence and my mother’s hesitation to discuss him, I was unaware of my roots until my teenage years. From the moment my mother shared that I was half Latina, I began to understand why I was not like the other children in the classroom. Physically, my face is detailed with almond shaped eyes and a tall nose. My long dark hair betrays my Asian half with hints of waves. In the winter I am pale as snow, but the summer warms my skin tone. Beyond this, my experiences with my families molded me into the person I am today.
I still remember the quinceañera my paternal grandmother arranged for me. Our family could not afford an extravagant event, and we had moved yet again there should be a comma here so I had no friends with whom to celebrate. My grandmother surprised me by inviting her sister’s nieces to McDonald there hould ben an apostrophe here s. These girls may have been strangers, but I felt the warmth of belonging. I admired those girls and the other Latina women around me for their open forms of expression. They were unafraid to express their thoughts, and watching them, I have flourished as a communicator and overcome my fears of rejection.
My perseverance, however, is from my mother’s family. The sight of my uncle, Takeojisan, diligently working to feed his family each day affected me the most. “When you have food to bring to a family, your self is irrelevant,” he would tell me as he worked through another cold. I respected his dedication to his family and work and applying those values to my life allowed me to succeed as a first generation college student and build my independence to pay for my shelter and expenses after almost losing a home.
The truth is, not every aspect of me is exclusively attributable to one cultural identity. However, it is because of my multicultural background that I understand this fact. This is why this comma should not be here , I am no longer troubled by being a haole. Instead, I embrace it, knowing that I can use my knowledge to educate my peers or even community members on what I believe is just a fear of the unknown. So I am proud be a Hispanic Asian haole, and I hope to share the wealth of my diversity with my peers in law school as well.[/quote]



Congratulations on a powerful, near-perfect diversity statement. I also have a complicated family background with multiple sets of "parents". As an example, when I was twelve, I found out that I am the product of artificial insemination. When you have a complicated, confusing background, you NEED to take a little "artistic license" in the interest of clarity. That is why I implore you to change "Hawai'i" to Hawaii. I understand this is the way some Hawaiians spell it. Most adcoms won't, and they will view it as a typo--in your first sentence. You are writing your PS in English, and "Hawai'i" is not English.
My suggested edits are in green. I also suggest putting the tems "haole" and "buta" in quotes. They need to stand out for effect. Also, I speak from experience when I say that putting racial slurs in quotes is very [cheap and] theraputic. I also suggest you continue leave the quotes off your final use of the term "haole". This will show your maturity; you are now in a place where you can where this term proudly. For you, it is no longer a racial slur, but a badge of honor.
Of course, I am not advocating the use of the phrase "batshit crazy" in your DS (though it's entirely credited in this instance). PLEASE change your original sentence. If you can remember your actual words, use them. Otherwise (this is where artistic license comes in) you need to come up with something more believable and more "human". You need to sound like a child, because you were one. Your DS is powerful because you speak in a very clinical, adult manner. You need to let your guard down in this one sentence to reveal a vulnerable, little child. Trust me, it will be far more powerful.
Again, well done. I look forward to hearing of your success. Best of luck!

superhopefulwoo
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby superhopefulwoo » Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:42 am

TO ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED ME... I HOPE THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT:
[removed]
Last edited by superhopefulwoo on Wed Dec 19, 2012 6:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby bluepenguin » Wed Dec 19, 2012 1:04 am

Well that was a fairly substantial turnaround in a short time frame. Went from one of the rougher drafts I've encountered to something I think will be a net positive if you fix the remaining errors in usage. Good work IMO.

superhopefulwoo wrote:TO ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED ME... I HOPE THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT:

When I moved to Hawaii, I was introduced to the term "haole," a local reference to outsiders. I have been a haole my entire life because of my multiethnic identity. Like my name (x name), the product of married Eastern and Western language, the contrast between the Latin and Asian cultures I personify [the contrast] has confused most people.
On the first day of [ ___?] class, an American classmate sneered, “Your grandparents killed my grandparents in Pearl Harbor!” Conversely [this isn't really a converse ->], while schooling in Japan, the children called me buta, meaning pig, because of my thicker frame. I assumed myself an attractive Asian [This strikes me as an odd thing to say], unaware of my father’s Hispanic roots due to his absence. When my paternal grandmother shared that I am half Latina, I finally understood the reason for my unique appearance.
I still remember [<-Please find a way not to say this. It's hackneyed.] the quinceañera my grandmother arranged for me. Our family could not afford an extravagant event with a recent move and growing debt, but my grandmother surprised me by gathering a few local girls for a modest celebration. These girls may have been strangers to me, [presumably your grandmother knew them] but I felt the warmth of belonging. I admired them for their open forms of expression. They were unafraid to express their thoughts, and watching them and the other Latina women around me, [not sure about that comma] I have flourished as a communicator and overcome my fears of rejection.
My perseverance, however, is from my mother’s family. The sight of my uncle, Takeojisan, diligently working to feed his family each day affected me the most. “When you have food to bring to a family, your self is irrelevant,” he would tell me as he worked through another cold. I believe my respect for his dedication and my application of those values are what allowed me to succeed as a first generation college student and overcome hurdles like taking care of my mother through her illness the last couple years.
I grew up struggling to belong to a community, but the attributes I once thought made me inferior have proven to be powerful assets. The truth is, not every aspect of me is exclusively attributable [<- a little wordy] to one cultural identity. For example, both cultures covet values like family and love. However, it is because of my multicultural background that I understand this fact. This is why I now embrace being a haole, knowing that I can use my knowledge to educate my peers and community members others and dispel reactions rooted in the fear of the unknown. So I am proud to be a Hispanic Asian haole, and I hope to share the wealth of my diversity with my peers in your law school. [Not in love with your final clause]
Last edited by bluepenguin on Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

B90
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 19, 2012 1:46 am

Please redact your first name.

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stuckinthemiddle
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:04 am

superhopefulwoo wrote:TO ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED ME... I HOPE THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT:

When I moved to Hawaii, I was introduced to the term "haole," a local reference to outsiders. I have been a haole my entire life because of my multiethnic (multi seems to imply more than two. Is there a better term you could use?) identity. My name, "XXXXX," is a marriage of Eastern and Western languages. It illustrates the contrast between Latin and Asian cultures, which very few people seem to understand.
On the first day of class, an American classmate sneered, “Your grandparents killed my grandparents in Pearl Harbor!” Conversely, while schooling in Japan, my peers called me "buta," meaning pig, because of my thicker frame. I assumed myself an attractive Asian, unaware of my father’s Hispanic roots due to his absence. When my paternal grandmother shared that I was half Latina, I finally understood the reason for my unique appearance.
I still remember the "quinceañera" my grandmother arranged for me (when?). Our family could not afford an extravagant event because of a recent move and growing debt, but my grandmother surprised me by gathering a few local girls for a modest celebration. While These girls may have been strangers, but I felt the warmth of belonging (acceptance instead?) from them. I admired them because for their open forms of expression.They were unafraid to express their thoughts, and Watching them and the other Latina women around me helped me flourish as a communicator and overcome my fears of rejection.
My perseverance, however, is from my mother’s family. The sight of my uncle, "Takeojisan," diligently working to feed his family each day, affected me the most. “When you have food to bring to a family, your self is irrelevant,” (huh? Do you mean that when you NEED to bring food to the table, your self doesn't matter? Because when you already have food, I don't see how this statement makes sense.)he would tell me as he worked through another cold (weather? illness? what do you mean?). I believemy respect for his dedication and my application of his values were what allowed me to succeed as a first generation college student and overcome hurdles like being my mother’s sole caretaker through her illness (what illness?) for the last few years.
I grew up struggling to belong to a community. Now, the attributes I once thought made me inferior have proven to be powerful assets. The truth is that not every aspect of me is exclusively attributable to one cultural identity. For example, both cultures covet values like family and love. However, it is because of my multicultural (You only have two identities. Does this count as multicultural? Or is it BIcultural) background that I understand this fact. (huh? Do you mean that your understanding of family love was through a synergy between your two cultures? If so, you didn't bring that across clearly here. It seems like both cultures would exclusively be able to explain these values) This is why I now embrace being a haole I know that I can use my knowledge to educate my peers and community members, and dispel reactions rooted in the fear of the unknown. SoI am proud be a Hispanic (Hispanic? Latina? Be consistent with your terminiology) Asian haole, and I hope to share the wealth of my diversity (huh? The wealth of your diversity? Think of another word. Experience?) with my peers in your law school.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that when you use foreign words in an essay, you put them in quotation marks the first time you use them, and then you italicize them for the rest of the essay. Can anyone verify that?

Your PS is really growing! You're using the advice you're being given and crafting a really compelling story. Just start tying up the loose ends and explaining the unclear points.

My suggestion is to make the merger of your two identities even more explicit. You've done well in separating the Latina and Asian sides into two paragraphs and then giving them more deep explanations, but try to tie them into your overall theme more smoothly now. From my understanding, your Latina side taught you how to be expressive and brave. Your Asian side taught you to be hard-working and determined. How do these two combine to make you better than any other candidate? How has the strength of one culture supplemented the strength of another? How are any weaknesses in one culture addressed in the other?

Be more explicit about MERGING your two identities in the final paragraph! How are you different from pure Latina or pure Asian candidates?
Last edited by stuckinthemiddle on Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:19 am, edited 5 times in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby bluepenguin » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:12 am

stuckinthemiddle wrote:Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that when you use foreign words in an essay, you put them in quotation marks the first time you use them, and then you italicize them for the rest of the essay. Can anyone verify that?


Quoting a blog so superhopeful should check the authentic source, but:
Section 7.49 of the sixteenth edition of The Chicago Manual of Style states, “Italics are used for isolated words and phrases in a foreign language if they are likely to be unfamiliar to readers. If a foreign word becomes familiar through repeated use throughout a work, it need be italicized only on its first occurrence. If it appears only rarely, however, italics may be retained.”

B90
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:18 am

stuckinthemiddle wrote:
superhopefulwoo wrote:TO ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED ME... I HOPE THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT:

When I moved to Hawaii, I was introduced to the term ‘haole,’ a local reference to outsiders. I have been a haole my entire life because of my multiethnic (multi seems to imply more than two. Is there a better term you could use?) identity. My name, "XXXXX," is a marriage of Eastern and Western languages. It illustrates the contrast between Latin and Asian cultures, which very few people seem to understand.
On the first day of class, an American classmate sneered, “your grandparents killed my grandparents in Pearl Harbor!” Conversely, while schooling in Japan, my peers called me "buta," meaning pig, because of my thicker frame. I assumed myself an attractive Asian, unaware of my father’s Hispanic roots due to his absence. When my paternal grandmother shared that I was half Latina, I finally understood the reason for my unique appearance.
I still remember the "quinceañera" my grandmother arranged for me (when?). Our family could not afford an extravagant event because of a recent move and growing debt, but my grandmother surprised me by gathering a few local girls for a modest celebration. While These girls may have been strangers, but I felt the warmth of belonging (acceptance instead?) from them. I admired them because for their open forms of expression.They were unafraid to express their thoughts, and Watching them and the other Latina women around me helped me flourish as a communicator and overcome my fears of rejection.
My perseverance, however, is from my mother’s family. The sight of my uncle, "Takeojisan," diligently working to feed his family each day, affected me the most. “When you have food to bring to a family, your self is irrelevant,” (huh? Do you mean that when you NEED to bring food to the table, your self doesn't matter? Because when you already have food, I don't see how this statement makes sense.)he would tell me as he worked through another cold (weather? illness? what do you mean?). I believemy respect for his dedication and my application of his values were what allowed me to succeed as a first generation college student and overcome hurdles like being my mother’s sole caretaker through her illness (what illness?) for the last few years.
I grew up struggling to belong to a community. Now, the attributes I once thought made me inferior have proven to be powerful assets. The truth is that not every aspect of me is exclusively attributable to one cultural identity. For example, both cultures covet values like family and love. However, it is because of my multicultural (You only have two identities. Does this count as multicultural? Or is it BIcultural) background that I understand this fact. (huh? Do you mean that your understanding of family love was through a synergy between your two cultures? If so, you didn't bring that across clearly here. It seems like both cultures would exclusively be able to explain these values) This is why I now embrace being a haole I know that I can use my knowledge to educate my peers and community members, and dispel reactions rooted in the fear of the unknown. SoI am proud be a Hispanic (Hispanic? Latina? Be consistent with your terminiology) Asian haole, and I hope to share the wealth of my diversity (huh? The wealth of your diversity? Think of another word. Experience?) with my peers in your law school.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that when you use foreign words in an essay, you put them in quotation marks the first time you use them, and then you italicize them for the rest of the essay. Can anyone verify that?

Your PS is really growing! You're using the advice you're being given and crafting a really compelling story. Just start tying up the loose ends and explaining the unclear points.

My suggestion is to make the distinction between your two identities even more explicit. You've done it well by separating the Latina and Asian sides into two paragraphs, but try to tie them into your overall theme more smoothly now. From my understanding, your Latina side taught you how to be expressive and brave. Your Asian side taught you to be hard-working and determined. How do these two combine to make you better than any other candidate? How has the strength of one culture supplemented the strength of another? How are any weaknesses in one culture addressed in the other?

Be more explicit about MERGING your two identities in the final paragraph! How are you different from pure Latina or pure Asian candidates?


:oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

You ARE correct. Thank you for reminding me. I guess I need to put "find copy of Strunk and White that is hiding in the bottomless abyss known as my storage closet" on my to do list.

superhopefulwoo
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby superhopefulwoo » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:29 am

I did NOT mean to post that name up for my essay especially here -__-. Can you change that blue penguin to a random name in your quote?

Also - should I not use my name at all in the essay?

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bluepenguin
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby bluepenguin » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:31 am

superhopefulwoo wrote:I did NOT mean to post that name up for my essay especially here -__-. Can you change that blue penguin to a random name in your quote?

Also - should I not use my name at all in the essay?


Done, and it doesnt matter.

superhopefulwoo
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby superhopefulwoo » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:32 am

I use italics for all the foreign terms, but for some reason it keeps showing up normal so i quoted it for the forums sake.

superhopefulwoo
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby superhopefulwoo » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:36 am

stuckinthemiddle wrote:
superhopefulwoo wrote:TO ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED ME... I HOPE THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT:
[removed]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that when you use foreign words in an essay, you put them in quotation marks the first time you use them, and then you italicize them for the rest of the essay. Can anyone verify that?

Your PS is really growing! You're using the advice you're being given and crafting a really compelling story. Just start tying up the loose ends and explaining the unclear points.

My suggestion is to make the merger of your two identities even more explicit. You've done well in separating the Latina and Asian sides into two paragraphs and then giving them more deep explanations, but try to tie them into your overall theme more smoothly now. From my understanding, your Latina side taught you how to be expressive and brave. Your Asian side taught you to be hard-working and determined. How do these two combine to make you better than any other candidate? How has the strength of one culture supplemented the strength of another? How are any weaknesses in one culture addressed in the other?

Be more explicit about MERGING your two identities in the final paragraph! How are you different from pure Latina or pure Asian candidates?


I am in fact multi-ethnic, but I need to chop this down to about 300 words (100 words less than now!) and I identify way more with my Hispanic and Asian side than my Korean and Austrian/Jewish side because those literally never were introduced to me until a few years ago (crazy that people keep NOT telling me my roots right?!) but I have no room to delve into that since that's a whole other story haha. Hmmm.. maybe "biracial"?
Last edited by superhopefulwoo on Wed Dec 19, 2012 6:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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stuckinthemiddle
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:44 am

For the purposes of this essay, identify as biracial/bicultural, unless you mention that you have more than two cultural identities in passing. Adcomms might suspect you don't know the difference between the grammatical use of bi- and multi-

B90
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 19, 2012 2:45 am

superhopefulwoo wrote:I did NOT mean to post that name up for my essay especially here -__-. Can you change that blue penguin to a random name in your quote?

Also - should I not use my name at all in the essay?


No. You absolutely SHOULD use your name in the actual essay. It is a PERSONAL statement, after all. :wink:

For future reference, this is how to redact personal info. in an online forum:

As I walked across the stage to finally receive my diploma from [university], I quickly scanned the audience, hoping to see [sister], [brother], and [spouse].

B90
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:16 am

bluepenguin wrote:
superhopefulwoo wrote:I did NOT mean to post that name up for my essay especially here -__-. Can you change that blue penguin to a random name in your quote?

Also - should I not use my name at all in the essay?


Done, and it doesnt matter.


Ok, here is where the mother in me needs to come out. Anytime anyone in the world googles anything remotely related to the law school application process, they are directed to this site. Scary, deranged stalkers troll the internet. True, it is highly unlikely they troll the personal statement thread of tls. However, it seems appropriate to quote my high school English teacher, "Practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect".
Everyone should get in the habit of vigilantly protecting their identity, especially if you are a woman. Once it becomes a habit, you are less likely to slip-up when you are tired/stressed/drunk...basically a law student.
On a different but related note, you are entering a profession, and must behave professionally. Everything on the internet can be seen by future clients, colleages, and employers. I know many lawyers who regularly partake in all sorts of drunken debauchery and lawlessness. They do NOT post it on facebook or anywhere else that is attached to their real name.
To be clear, I am not saying there is anything shameful or inappropriate in OP's statement. I am just [over]reacting to the "it doesn't matter" comment.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby bluepenguin » Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:24 am

B90 wrote: I am just [over]reacting to the "it doesn't matter" comment.


Haha, I knew slipping into oral English would get me there. I meant done, and it doesn't matter whether or not the name is in the submitted essay. You don't need your name in the personal statement, nor is it inappropriate to use it. Unless you use it stupidly. Which she hadn't.
Last edited by bluepenguin on Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

B90
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Re: Last Day for DS Revision - Need help ASAP

Postby B90 » Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:26 am

Also, OP you need to edit your 11:42 pm post. Sadly, it remains unredacted. :shock: :wink:




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