Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and SSA President

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Anonymous User
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Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and SSA President

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 18, 2012 12:56 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:49 am, edited 4 times in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and Army enlistment

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:12 am

1) This thing flies (not in a good way)
2) You need to transition better (slow down)
3) Many points you make require substantial elaboration. You say you're socially awkward, but it doesnt seem like any big change when you succeed in all these social situations because you don't expound on that point at all.

Keep writing. I'd say expand this to 2-3x its current size, then pare back down to find its true heart. I really don't know what's going on with it right now.

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fathergoose
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Re: Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and Army enlistment

Postby fathergoose » Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:15 am

I rarely post in this type of thread but I have two thoughts:

(1) Your homeschooling bit comes across in all the wrong ways. I know what you are trying to say but it doesn't say it. It at best is a neutral and you shouldn't waste words on that.

(2) Almost 10% of the words in your statement are "I" or "My." Is that really what you want to use 10% of your words on?

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rinkrat19
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Re: Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and Army enlistment

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:26 am

Lose paragraphs 3, 5 and 6. Give MUCH more detail about how you overcame the social awkwardness. That is what every reader is going to stick on and say "wait, go back to that part!" Show the transformation, don't just tell us in one sentence that it occurred. I cared much less about you informing me about your preftigious accomplishments with student gov. And the transition from military to department store is...abrupt, and makes your current position sound somewhat ridiculous. I'm sure you can make it sound better.

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fltanglab
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Re: Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and Army enlistment

Postby fltanglab » Tue Dec 18, 2012 1:46 am

Anonymous User wrote:The word “socialization” could describe what was lost during the first part of my upbringing. My parents endeavored to homeschool me, although neither had pursued even a baccalaureate degree. Socially I was awkward, but academically I was years ahead of my peers. I took control of my own education at a very young age, learning all I could from textbooks and the internet. My dedication to education paid off at the age of sixteen when, under the Post-Secondary Enrollment Option, I was afforded the opportunity to begin attending college full-time.

The transition from homeschool to college was shocking. The graduating class of “me” gave way for a school of fifteen thousand, and I had never dealt with that many different faces before. Nonetheless, I was determined to adapt to my new social environment and challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone. I overcame my social struggles by engaging myself in the campus community. I began writing for the campus newspaper covering the student government. The more I became involved, the more I wanted to make a difference. I joined the student senate and, in my second year, was elected Student Senate President.

After graduating from high school and Normandale simultaneously, I ran for President of the Minnesota State College Student Association (MSCSA), arguably the strongest state student association in the nation. The election process was invigorating; I developed relationships with disparate student groups and began recognizing vastly different values and norms. The students of the forty-six colleges elected me President. During my term, I served to represent college students at both the state legislature and within the public colleges and universities administrative body, MnSCU. I worked with unions and policy makers to come to compromises on funding allocation and system priorities, while at the same time working to identify and train future leaders from the group of 100,000 students whom I represented.

My passion for service led to my enlistment in the United States Army. I used the eight months of extended intelligence training to better understand the variety of creeds and cultures that both brought together armed forces from differing nations and separated Western society from the Middle Eastern and East Asian countries I spent so much time studying. While the army afforded fewer chances to woo an audience with an eloquent speech, I took the opportunity to improve my own self-discipline and perseverance.

My discretion and detailed analytical skills honed in the Army prove to be invaluable while conducting investigations in my current role at Macy’s. However, my ability to connect with and understand people has been even more useful. I have outshone my peers by applying relevant statutes and policies to practical situations. After interviewing the county attorneys responsible for prosecuting my company’s cases, I have reformed our reporting methods to be more amenable to judicial consideration.

My broad analytical skill set combined with my ability to influence people are aided by my determination to succeed and to better those around me. I desire to learn all I can through attending law school and to use that knowledge to positively influence the world I inhabit.


Honestly, people (not just you) need to stop making overarching statements about their abilities in the PS. Show, don't tell. If you're going to say you're "years ahead of your peers" and then follow that up with "gave way FOR" (wrong preposition), you shot yourself in the foot.

Anyway, I agree with the other posters that you need more detail and probably less emphasis on how spectacular your later accomplishments were. Also, gratuitous use of quotation marks is the sign of a poor writer. Try to avoid using them at all. And I know you thought your use of "whom" was right, but it was sadly misplaced ("students THAT I represented"). I think you'd benefit from searching more within yourself about what these experiences actually meant to you. Did the floodgates suddenly open to a vast new world of possibility? Paint me a picture. Make me feel your awe, don't just tell me about it.

Apologize if I sound harsh, but I am a good editor (or so I've been told). Keep up the work.

Anonymous User
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Re: Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and Army enlistment

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Dec 20, 2012 4:54 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and Army enlistment

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Dec 20, 2012 2:14 pm

Great progress!

Anonymous User wrote:Thanks for the comments! I re-wrote this draft taking into account what you had to say:

**************

The word “socialization” could describe what was lost during the first part of my upbringing. Weak opening. Don't be afraid to just state something directly. "I was undersocialized in my early years," or something like that. My parents endeavored to homeschool me, although neither had pursued even a baccalaureate degree. Still wordy. Socially I was awkward, but academically I was engaged. I took control of my own education early on, dictating much of what I would study and how I would study it. My dedication to education paid off at the age of sixteen when, under the Post-Secondary Enrollment Option, I was afforded the opportunity to begin attending college full-time.

The transition from homeschool to college was shocking to say the least. Probably goes without saying. The graduating class of “me” Please don't say this. Say "one," or "enrollment of one" or something. gave way for a school of fifteen thousand, and I had never dealt with that many different faces before. Nonetheless, I was determined to adapt to my new social environment and challenge myself to step outside my comfort zone. I overcame my social struggles Which were? This was your opening line and you haven't touched on it at all. by engaging myself in the campus community. First I began writing for the campus newspaper, the Lions’ Roar. In my first adventures into the college community, I covered the student senate and immediately began to see immediately the issues affecting college students at my school. Such as? Not sure if you really need to elaborate here. I think it's okay left without detail, but I do wonder what it was that led you down this path.

Becoming involved in the student senate was not difficult. However, transitioning to leadership took a great deal of growth. I spent time engaging with students and learning from mentors who were involved before me. In my first semester I was elected to the board of directors, and in my second year I was elected Student Senate President (punctuation) I achieved my goal of stepping out of my comfort zone and became whole-heartedly engaged in my college campus.

At the conclusion of my one-year term, I earned simultaneously earned my high school diploma and my Associate’s degree. Nevertheless, my engagement with serving students had just begun. I ran for President of the Minnesota State College Student Association (MSCSA), an association comprised of over 100,000 students from 46 colleges in the state of Minnesota. The students involved represent one of the strongest student associations in the state. Theyhave a passion for keeping education the primary endeavor of public colleges (What does that mean? As opposed to football? Research?); I shared that passion. Potential presidential candidates were not few, and the competition for representation was harsh harsh?. Even so, that year the MSCSA elected their youngest President on record: me. Stop it.

My role as President of MSCSA was multi-faceted. I acted as a lobbyist for students at the state capital and in the state senate and house chambers. On the system level huh?, I worked to ensure that students were a part of the decision making process by connecting with union leaders and system administrators. In my view, however, my most important role was with the students. The immense growth I endured over a few years gave me a unique perspective on leadership development. I set out to identify future student leaders and to give them the same opportunities I was afforded during my own progression.

In my future, I would like to continue to better myself while improving the conditions of my surroundings. In my experience, those who have the least access to representation are those who need it most. I desire to help those people, and I believe that I can do that best by studying law first. I believe that my future is one that involves a great deal of dedication and service. Replace

Anonymous User
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Re: Critique my rough draft: Homeschooling and SSA President

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Dec 21, 2012 3:19 am

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