Ill edit yours if you'll edit mine! Forum

[Anonymous User]

PS and Addendum.

My Addendum:

My performance in my sophomore year suffered due to unforeseen stresses. My roommate brought in an unwelcome boyfriend who abused substances in our apartment and demonstrated unstable, violent behaviors. I genuinely felt unsafe in my own home and feared for my own health. After consulting with a school counselor, I felt a hardship withdrawal would be my best option until I was able to move out.
During the last quarter, my mother was diagnosed with an incurable disease of the pelvic region called Interstitial Cystitis. My program scores suffered when I was forced to leave Spain early to act as her sole caretaker. I believe that I have grown from these challenging events in my life, and my Dean’s List achievement and average GPA of 3.83 in the last two years of college better demonstrate my academic capabilities.

[bluepenguin]

My performance in my sophomore year suffered due to unforeseen stresses. My roommate's brought in an unwelcome boyfriend who abused substances in our apartment and demonstrated unstable, violent behaviors. I genuinely felt unsafe in my own home and feared for my own safety. After consulting with a school counselor, I felt a hardship withdrawal would be my best option until I was able to move out.
During the last quarter [of what?], my mother was diagnosed with an incurable disease of the pelvic region called Interstitial Cystitis. My program scores suffered when I was forced to leave Spain early to act as her sole caretaker. [What does this mean? Did you have W's from a study abroad program? Are you saying your performance once you returned suffered because you were acting as her caretaker?] I believe that I have grown from these challenging events in my life, and my Dean’s List achievement and average GPA of 3.83 in the last two years of college better demonstrate my academic capabilities.

I think it needs to be more succinct and matter-of-fact. Suggestions shown.

[B90]

My performance in my sophomore year suffered due to unforeseen stresses. My roommate's brought in an unwelcome boyfriend who abused substances in our apartment and demonstrated unstable, violent behaviors. I genuinely felt unsafe in my own home and feared for my own safety. After consulting with a school counselor, I felt a hardship withdrawal would be my best option until I was able to move out.
During the last quarter [of what?], my mother was diagnosed with an incurable disease of the pelvic region called Interstitial Cystitis. My program scores suffered when I was forced to leave Spain early to act as her sole caretaker. [What does this mean? Did you have W's from a study abroad program? Are you saying your performance once you returned suffered because you were acting as her caretaker?] I believe that I have grown from these challenging events in my life, and my Dean’s List achievement and average GPA of 3.83 in the last two years of college better demonstrate my academic capabilities.

I think it needs to be more succinct and matter-of-fact. Suggestions shown.

+1