PS Almost Final Draft,Need Critique ASAP

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
karmaman
Posts: 106
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:21 am

PS Almost Final Draft,Need Critique ASAP

Postby karmaman » Fri Dec 14, 2012 3:01 pm

Hey guys, so I have edited my PS a bit and would like to get some feedback on it. I plan on sending out my apps by Sunday at the latest, so any input would be awesome. Thanks again guys!


The tension in the air is thick, ready to erupt at any time. Crowds are sprawled out in tents and sleeping bags on the sidewalks, others are chanting slogans and waving flags. Some shoot off fireworks while others graffiti their anti-government sentiments on any piece of exposed wall or building. This scene seems reminescient of something you might have seen in the United States during the time of the Vietnam War, but this is happening now. This is Tahrir Square; this is the birthplace of the Arab Spring.
In the midst of all this chaos and excitement, I found myself sitting in a quite office building a mile away, sheltered and closed off to the very real things happening around me. In February of 2012, I was afforded the rare opportunity to travel to Egypt to work as consultant for the Subway Sandwiches brand. As an International Business major, this was what I spent four years of my life preparing for so I was more than eager to take on the challenge.
Working in close proximity to the Tahrir Square, I spent many nights after work mingling with protestors, speaking with foreign journalists, and assisting volunteers distribute hot tea to the masses. I felt drawn to the square, the energy radiating from the thousands of people fighting for justice acted as a magnetic field, pulling me in. When you entered Tahrir, your race, color, age, gender or socio-economic background no longer mattered, the only criteria necessary was a sense of humanity.
I remember one specific instance, where I saw a foreign journalist trying to communicate with an elderly woman, but she could not comprehend his broken Arabic. I stepped in, and translated his question for the woman, ”Why are you out here every night, what does this all mean to you”? I asked her. With tears trickling down her cheek, she replied,” So that my children and grandchildren can have the opportunity to live a life of dignity and respect, this is a new beginning for all of us, for Egypt”. Tahrir has come to symbolize hope, prosperity, change, justice, and democracy. Here, people feel that their voices can be heard, that they are helping rewrite their country’s history. They see themselves as catalysts for a change that they have for so long yearned for, but could never attain.
Tahrir has become a beacon of hope in an otherwise abysmal situation for the Egyptian people. They flock here in the thousands, seeking refuge and solace among fellow countrymen who have also seemingly lost hope for their country. Similarly, the law affords those who have been marginalized, disenfranchised and with no place to turn, protection from the cruel realities of life. The law in all its grandeur and mystique is still at its essence a beacon of hope. It provides a sense of security, a belief that when all else fails we have somewhere to turn to, that we are not alone. In addition, the law is a voice for those who have been too afraid to speak out about the injustices they have suffered, thus inviting them back into a society that has for so long forgot they were there.
Growing up in America, I have often taken for granted the law and the vital function it serves in our society. It wasn’t until I moved to Egypt and witnessed firsthand how difficult life is for people who are more afraid of the law for the harsh restrictions it can impose upon them, then reverent of the safety and security it bring to those protected under its jurisdiction. This epiphany sparked a serious drive within me to pursue an education in the legal field. As a student of the law, I will amass the knowledge and skillset to be a loud and clear voice for the downtrodden and forgotten citizens of our great land. Ultimately, as a lawyer I plan on focusing on International Human Rights issues, for it is those people living foreign lands that are often the most abused and neglected, yet are left with no way to seek assistance or to make their grievances known to higher authorities. There are millions of people around the globe who suffer just as the Egyptian people are suffering, but I believe that an end to this suffering can be attained. If we, as humans, and lawyers, stand up for what is right and just then we can have a very real, tangible impact on this world that will affect future generations for years to come.

sujigu
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2012 2:30 am

Re: PS Almost Final Draft,Need Critique ASAP

Postby sujigu » Fri Dec 14, 2012 3:31 pm

in my humble opinion I think this is really good.

karmaman
Posts: 106
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:21 am

Re: PS Almost Final Draft,Need Critique ASAP

Postby karmaman » Fri Dec 14, 2012 5:46 pm

Thanks for the kind words! Anyone else? I"m willing to swap essays as well, just let me know

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Almost Final Draft,Need Critique ASAP

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Dec 15, 2012 1:31 pm

Try "quiet", not "quite office building".

The 5th of the 6 paragraphs needs to be revised. The first sentence of the 5th paragraph is fine, but the remainder is a bit awkward & confusing. For example, are the people gathering there because they "lost hope" or due to "new-found hope" ? The remainder of the 5th paragraph conflicts with your statement in the second sentence of the 6th (final) paragraph.

User avatar
naillsat
Posts: 146
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 11:48 pm

Re: PS Almost Final Draft,Need Critique ASAP

Postby naillsat » Sun Dec 16, 2012 3:32 pm

quite office ==> quiet office

I was like :roll: :roll: WTF is quite office?

karmaman
Posts: 106
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:21 am

Re: PS Almost Final Draft,Need Critique ASAP

Postby karmaman » Sun Dec 16, 2012 4:24 pm

Lol ya my bad that was a bit confusing, but what did you think of the ps as a whole?




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