Swapping? PLEASE! ASAP

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Nicolena.
Posts: 302
Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:44 am

Swapping? PLEASE! ASAP

Postby Nicolena. » Thu Dec 13, 2012 11:56 pm

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Last edited by Nicolena. on Thu Jan 09, 2014 5:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

bracton
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:07 am

Re: Swapping? PLEASE! ASAP

Postby bracton » Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:05 am

Nicolena. wrote:was looking to submit this tonight. Could anyone please give me some feedback.

Thanks!

Personal Statement:

It was my junior year in college, and by the time I arrived to the scene fire trucks were already there. The flames that had engulfed our small family business were nearly extinguished. In less than an hour, a decade of my parents’ hard work and dedication were reduced to a pile of embers. I remember finding my father, normally a proud and strong willed man, broken and defeated standing in front of the smoldering rubble. Unexpectedly, our insurance would not provide compensation for the repairs. Presently, my parents have not been able to rebuild what was lost. The fire may have taken my family’s livelihood but it couldn’t take our spirit, and it was this unfortunate experience that inspired me to pursue my interest in law.

Throughout high school I spent a lot of time at our family business, ****** Motorsports; I learned real responsibility and it also provided insight about how a privately owned company operates. I was also dedicated to advanced placement courses and extracurricular activities. As an active member of my school’s Teen Advisory Council (TAC) I was able to counsel first time offending students by deciding their disciplinary action with my peers. I was also a member of Teen Court, which permitted students to act the roles of defense, prosecutor and jurors for troubled juveniles at the local courthouse. While challenging, I found both clubs highly engaging and credit them for sparking my interest in law.

Most of my college career was spent with my computer on my lap and books spread around me. I chose law-based classes that allowed me to explore the constitution and international theory. These classes interested me more than I could imagine because it involved comprehensive research. Political science requires writing many opinion-based papers, and I loved every minute of it. Like college, law school will be the same for me, my motivation and dedication never letting me fall short of what I want to accomplish.

Initially, I planned to attend law school after college, but I delayed my application to help my family recover. Although employment opportunities were limited, I was fortunate to receive a position as an administrative assistant with ***** Funeral Home. While I considered continuing to search for a legal position, I received a promotion quickly and I decided to stay. My progression as a bookkeeper permitted me to work in my ideal environment; I enjoy a fast paced atmosphere where I am met with constant challenges. I multitask throughout my day, which maintains my awareness and my motivation. This position exposes me to every facet of the business from providing basic customer service and administration duties to working directly with attorneys, government facilities, insurance companies, and banks. Although this insightful position has been rewarding, I aspire for a more fulfilling career. I want a career that consists of researching, analyzing, and writing. My family has almost fully recovered from our misfortune and I realized I am ready to start my dream career now.



You should not submit tonight. This is okay, but no better than okay. A few points: the theme is not very compelling, though I don't know what else you have to use. Getting promoted to bookkeeper at a funeral home is not such a big deal for someone with a college degree, and the position does not sound very "insightful." You start successive sentences with adverbs. "Multitask" is an awful word. And, worst of all, you don't seem to know what law is. Law is not meant to be "opinion-based," and, last time I looked, political science is not meant to be opinion-based either. Even when a legal decision seems to be, and actually is, a product of a judge's personal views, it is never framed as such: it is always presented as a logical work of deductive reasoning. You seem to have been led astray by the word "opinion," which is used to refer to a legal decision. I'd rework this for a week or two.

cynthiad
Posts: 163
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 1:16 pm

Re: Swapping? PLEASE! ASAP

Postby cynthiad » Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:07 am

When writing the addendum, don't assume the adcomm has already read your personal statement. Don't just say "the fire," write 1 sentence describing what happened so they know what you mean.

Nicolena.
Posts: 302
Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:44 am

Re: Swapping? PLEASE! ASAP

Postby Nicolena. » Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:11 am

cynthiad wrote:When writing the addendum, don't assume the adcomm has already read your personal statement. Don't just say "the fire," write 1 sentence describing what happened so they know what you mean.


I appreciate all of your feedback.

I added that to my addendum. Thank you.

Regarding PS feedback, I think I will try to redraft something new tonight. Thanks.




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