Personal Statement Final Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Thu Dec 13, 2012 6:31 pm

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the swaps and all the help you guys have given me on the forums. I've shortened it, reworded it and tried focusing on why I'm going to law school. Are there any last minute changes I need to make? Thanks!

Growing up as a child, I have always had this endless drive for success. The night I visited my uncle and aunt’s house in 5th grade is the night that changed everything for me. I was no stranger to my extended family, but I wasn’t comfortable enough to leave my parents when they were thinking about going shopping. My uncle started calming me down by pointing to a glowing screen on the other side of the room - a computer. I sat down at the desk and stared. I had no idea what was going on. Then, a card game flashes on the screen. “Wow” was the first word that sputtered out of my mouth, “what else do you have?” I forgot my parents ever left. The drive back home was tough, I needed to spend more time exploring the computer. Eventually, I was able to persuade my parents to cave in and buy one for our own home. It wasn’t until I first heard about the internet that I truly saw the potential of computing.

As a first generation Polish child, I was not accustomed to what seemed to be the standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure out on my own. Not because my parents were opposed, they just didn’t understand. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world. My parents jokingly claim I’m the reason they never learned to speak English, I never gave them the opportunity to do so.

I found ways of connecting to the internet for free, using either Walmart Blue Light CD’s or persuading the AOL Customer Support staff to extend my free trials knowing my parents would never release their credit card information to an unknown service and even as a last resort, tinkering with files to remove the advertising from Juno’s free service.

By the end of the 8th grade, I started my first online business. As a landlord of an substandard apartment complex in the city, he would occasionally take in items in place of rent for those that needed some extra time. As these items were piling up in our home, I saw the potential of selling them to people online and opened up my first eBay store. I would evaluate and refurbish the items until I ended up selling everything else and more, until I happened to graze over a website development advertisement. I spent the time learn the basic web design skills and managed to create a constant flow of money for myself. I would charge $50 logos, $100 for websites. My mom was getting nervous I was making this much money as a kid. Even in today’s standards $50 is a solid day’s work. Every time she asked me about it, I glowed with enthusiasm, “awesome, isn’t it?”

I started skating in my free time to keep my mind off of things like the ACT and college. During this time I saw the potential in an online skating community in which skaters were able to upload and share their own videos. The website did well enough that I had Best Buy advertisements on the front page. This drive for a solid business model kept growing inside of me. A few months later I started another website based on my dad’s car that he let me drive. Granted, it was just a purple Subaru but that purple Subaru helped build the framework for a community of like-minded car enthusiasts in the Chicago area. I helped foster the community by reaching out to other individuals who were interested in cars, found the right programmers and designers and created a marketing task force. We would go out to local car meetings, pass out flyers and eventually cultivated a group of people with the same similar interests.

I flourished as an individual after being accepted to the University of Illinois. I was capable of exploring my horizons few and far between, experiencing what it felt like to join a fraternity, clubs, organizations; I made sure I got a taste of everything. When my fraternity was in trouble my sophomore year, I stepped up to the plate and created a website to reach out to long-lost alumni in order to keep our house alive. I set up cold calling teams and routed everyone to the website where I received over 1,000 comments dating back to alumni from the 1930’s. I still keep in touch with many of those alumni today.

Over the years, I’ve learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I understand the potential of the internet and that it will take advantage of my legal degree. I stay ahead of the curve and I know this will be one of the most important skills I have further down the road in my career. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. From starting a legal help website or creating a new community website that’ll take advantage of my legal degree, I will be able to take what’s given to me and cultivate a market for myself. With a Juris Doctor, I will gain a set of skills that combined with my natural resourcefulness will better serve my clients in the future. The Depaul University College of Law provides that set of skills through their Business Law certification. As my business ventures grow and materialize into a career, the expertise offered by this certification will provide me with the knowledge I need to build upon the success I’ve been striving for since my childhood.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Dec 13, 2012 6:44 pm

Your law school PS is perfect for one seeking an MBA degree, but not very convincing with respect to your need or motivation to earn a law degree. Bluntly speaking, this PS seems to be little more than a rehash of your resume.

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Fri Dec 14, 2012 5:19 pm

I'm trying to get a business law degree, should I add some context clues?

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Sun Dec 16, 2012 4:20 am

So I think I made the changes I needed to make. Can anyone please give it another quick read so I can finally click *submit*!


Growing up as a child, I have always had an endless drive to succeed. Whether it was building my first lego set or building my first website, I needed to make sure I was capable of doing so on my own. As a first generation Polish child, I was not accustomed to what seemed to be the standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure out on my own. Not because my parents were opposed, they just didn’t understand. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world. My parents jokingly claim I’m the reason they never learned to speak English, I never gave them the opportunity to do so.

By the end of the eighth grade, I started my first online business. Little did I know that I would be prepping for the future in business law that I will pursue at the Depaul College of Law. As a landlord of an substandard apartment complex in the city, my father would occasionally take in items in place of rent for those that needed some extra time. As these items were piling up in our home, I saw the potential of selling them to people online and opened up my first eBay store. I would evaluate and refurbish the items. I ended up selling everything else and more. Selling everything was not enough, as I soon came to realize, when one of the tenants was $5,000 behind in rent.

Eventually, my father and I had to take legal action. I spent countless hours compiling information and receipts my dad held onto in order to make a case against this man in small claims court. My dad wasn’t very good at English so he relied on me, a 14 year old boy to do all the talking. The man smirked behind the defense table, thinking this was going to be an easy win for him. Why would a young boy have to help defend his father? I nervously shuffled through my papers until I found what I was looking for and made my case. The defense table looked dumbfounded - I made a lasting impression.

The interest sparked to spend more time around the apartment complex. I collected rent, negotiated with tenants and helped my father with the simple contracts he kept with the tenants. They were nothing like the complex agreements the future holds for me at Depaul, but it was a taste of what real estate law looked like, and I liked it. This drive for success kept building inside of me. I understood it would be years before I could own property on my own, so I needed to find myself a reason to come up with contracts. I stumbled upon a website development advertisement and saw the potential of building some on my own. I came up with simple agreements, set timelines, invoices and kept a record of my transactions. This would comprise the majority of my income over the next few years.

I flourished as an individual at the University of Illinois. Participating in fraternity organizations in addition to several campus organizations helped me build strong leadership and negotiation skills. My sophomore year, my fraternity was in trouble. There was a risk of its shutting down and something needed to be done. I stepped up to the plate and created a website to reach out to long-lost alumni and even traveled to our headquarters in Ohio. After making a compelling statement to our chapter adviser, he gave us another chance.

Over the years, I have learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I understand what a simple contract entails and I understand what it means to process a transaction. I have learned the basic understanding and business and law but I still need the help of the business program as right of passage into the real, business world. Negotiations, mergers and real estate transactions are a vital part of the foundation to my bridge to success. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. With a Juris Doctor, I will gain a set of skills that combined with my natural resourcefulness will better serve my clients in the future. The Depaul University College of Law provides that set of skills through their Business Law certification. As my business ventures grow and materialize into a career, the expertise offered by this certification will provide me with the knowledge I have been striving for to keep the drive inside of me alive.

Thanks!!

Lear22
Posts: 275
Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2011 10:17 am

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby Lear22 » Sun Dec 16, 2012 11:50 am

just someting quick I saw in your opening sentence (I have to finish my own final draft today so I can't fully comment).

You write: "Growing up as child, hjfgjdf sdfjdskh sdkfjdskfjh". I would write: "Growing up, lkfdsjfsdl sdlkfjdslkf sdflkjsdf".

To me, writing "as a child" is not needed, it's obvious. Maybe I went through "manual of style" too many times, but that's just my 2c

good luck!

EDIT: same thing with the 2nd par. instead of "by the end of the eight grade" I would just write "by the eight grade" it's unnecessary for the reader to know that this happened by the end of the school year, unless it has something to do with the narrative. I was able to shave off over a 100 words on my PS just by giving the reader the information they need and not TMIing him or her with clutter.

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Sun Dec 16, 2012 3:46 pm

Makes sense, thanks!

Did you get a chance to read it/think I'm not too far off the beaten path of an 6+/10 personal statement?

Thanks!

Lear22
Posts: 275
Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2011 10:17 am

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby Lear22 » Sun Dec 16, 2012 4:33 pm

totalmajor wrote:Makes sense, thanks!

Did you get a chance to read it/think I'm not too far off the beaten path of an 6+/10 personal statement?

Thanks!


Honestly I didn't. I'm working on my own final draft as I hope to submit tonight. If I see something else I'll post or send you a PM. what I would do, as I did with mine is to read the PS word for word, out load. Then ask yourself if each word actually has a role in the sentence. If it doesn't, X it. I did that and it made my statement (IMHO) much better than earlier drafts. I read an incredible book called 'a few short sentences about writing' that talks about just this. Clutter, esp in the context of a PS and adcomms who read hundreds of them a day is key (again, IMHO). You want to deliver your narrative in as little words as possible. Consider this: when your reader reads the words you write, it's not the first one he or she read that word, they already have context and meaning that they give to that word. Giving them extra words so they would 'understand' what you mean adds nothing. I think your "growin up as a child" is the perfect example for this. (The idea above is taken from the book I mentioned. I didn't invent it).

Good luck!!

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Mon Dec 17, 2012 12:19 am

I made a decent amount of changes. What do you guys think?

Thanks!


Growing up, I have always had an endless drive to succeed. Whether it was building my first lego set or building my first website, I needed to make sure I was capable of doing so on my own. As a first generation Polish child, I was not accustomed to what seemed to be the standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure out on my own. Not because my parents were opposed, they just didn’t understand. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world. My parents jokingly claim I’m the reason they never learned to speak English, I never gave them the opportunity to do so.

By the eighth grade, I started my first online business. Little did I know that I would be prepping for the future in business law that I will pursue at the Depaul College of Law. As a landlord of an substandard apartment complex in the city, my father would occasionally take in items in place of rent for those that needed extra time. As these items started piling up, I saw the potential of selling them online and opened up my first eBay store. I would evaluate and refurbish the items. I ended up selling everything else and more. Selling everything was not enough, as I soon came to realize, when one of the tenants was $5,000 behind on rent.

Eventually, my father and I had to take legal action. I spent countless hours compiling information and receipts my dad had in order to make a case against this man in small claims court. My dad wasn’t very good at English so he relied on me, a 14 year old boy to do all the talking. The man smirked behind the defense table, thinking this was going to be an easy win for him. Why would a young boy have to help defend his father? I nervously shuffled through my papers until I found what I was looking for and made my case. The defense table looked dumbfounded - I made a lasting impression.

The interest sparked to spend more time around the apartment complex. I collected rent, negotiated with tenants and helped my father with the simple contracts he kept with the tenants. They were nothing like the complex agreements the future holds for me at Depaul, but it was a taste of what real estate law looked like, and I liked it. The drive for success kept building inside of me. I understood it would be years before I could own property on my own, so I needed to find a reason to come up with my own contracts. I stumbled upon a website development advertisement and saw the potential of building creating them on my own. I came up with simple agreements, set timelines, invoices and kept a record of my transactions. This would comprise the majority of my income over the next few years while sharpening my agreements.

I flourished as an individual at the University of Illinois. Participating in a fraternity in addition to several other campus organizations helped me build strong leadership and negotiation skills. My sophomore year, my fraternity was in trouble. There was a risk of its shutting down and something needed to be done. I stepped up to the plate and created a website to reach out to long-lost alumni and even traveled to our headquarters in Ohio. After making a compelling statement to our chapter adviser, he gave us another chance. As a Political Science major, I was given a taste of legal writing senior year when I wrote a paper for the department chair. With a four week timeline I had to compose a 30-40 page paper on a Supreme Court trial of my choice and analyze the decision-making process of each Justice. After spending countless hours learning the basics of legal writing and research as well as the basics of the Blue Book I came up with a paper even the research librarian applauded me on. I gained an understanding of what the next three years were going to look like and gained the confidence I need to be a successful law student at the Depaul University College of Law.

Over the years, I have learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I understand what a simple contract entails and I understand what it means to process a transaction. I have learned the basics of business but I still need the help of the business program as right of passage into the real, business-law world. Negotiations, mergers and real estate transactions are a vital part of the foundation to my bridge to success. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. With a Juris Doctor, I will gain a set of skills that combined with my natural resourcefulness will better serve my clients and myself, in the future. The Depaul University College of Law provides that set of skills through their Business Law certification. As my business ventures grow and materialize into a career, the expertise offered by this certification will provide me with the knowledge I have been striving for to keep the drive inside of me alive.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby bluepenguin » Mon Dec 17, 2012 2:26 am

totalmajor wrote:Growing up, I have always had an endless [Don't love this word. Can't articulate a good reason why.] drive to succeed. Whether it was building my first lego set "Lego" or building my first website, I needed to make sure I was capable of doing so on my own. This construction doesnt work. You don't set up any reason for listing examples of working on your own. (I know you get there later.) As a first generation Polish child Doesnt this mean you were born in Poland to non-Polish immigrants?, I was not accustomed to what seemed to be the standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure out on my own. Not because my parents were opposed, they just didn’t understand. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world. My parents jokingly claim I am the reason they never learned to speak English: I never gave them the opportunity to do so.

By the eighth grade, I started my first online business. Little did I know that I would be prepping for the future in business law that I will pursue at the Depaul College of Law. As a landlord of an substandard apartment complex in the city, my father would occasionally take in items in place of rent for those that needed extra time. As these items started piling up, I saw the potential to sell them online and opened up my first eBay store. I would evaluate and refurbish the items. I ended up selling everything else [huh?] and more. Selling everything was not enough, as I soon came to realize, when one of the tenants was $5,000 behind on rent.

Eventually, my father and I had to take legal action. I spent countless hours compiling information and receipts my dad had in order to make a case against the tenant in small claims court. My dad was not very good at English, so he relied on me, a 14 year old boy, to do all the talking. The man smirked confidently behind the defense table, thinking this was going to be an easy win for him. Why would a young boy have to help defend his father? I nervously shuffled through my papers until I found what I was looking for and made my case. The defense table looked dumbfounded - I made a lasting impression.

The interest sparked sparked what? to spend more time around the apartment complex. I collected rent, negotiated with tenants and helped my father with the simple contracts he kept with the tenants. They were nothing like the complex agreements the future holds for me at Depaul please stop staying stuff like that. "Thee contracts were not enormously complex...", but it was a taste of what real estate law looked like, and I liked it. The drive for success kept building inside of me. I understood it would be years before I could own property on my own, so I needed to find a reason to come up with my own contracts. I stumbled upon a website development advertisement and saw the potential of building creating them on my own. I came up with simple agreements, set timelines, invoices and kept a record of my transactions. This would comprise the majority of my income over the next few years while sharpening my agreements. Not quite sure what you're saying with this.

I flourished as an individual at the University of Illinois. Very rough transition. Participating in a fraternity, in addition to several other campus organizations, helped me build strong leadership and negotiation skills. My sophomore year, my fraternity was in trouble. The tense and agreements there are all wrong. It's 1am and I'm about to tell you to delete this paragraph so I'm not gonna get into why. Hopefully you see it. There was a risk of it shutting down and something needed to be done. I stepped up to the plate and created a website to reach out to long-lost alumni and even traveled to our headquarters in Ohio. After making a compelling statement to our chapter adviser, he gave us another chance. Another rough transition -> As a Political Science major, I was given a taste of legal writing senior year when I wrote a paper for the department chair. With a four week timeline I had to compose a 30-40 page paper on a Supreme Court trial of my choice and analyze the decision-making process of each Justice. After spending countless hours learning the basics of legal writing and research as well as the basics of the Blue Book I came up with a paper even the research librarian applauded me on. I gained an understanding of what the next three years were going to look like and gained the confidence I need to be a successful law student at the Depaul University College of Law.
I stopped reading this paragraph. It's late but that's not a great sign. I would cut it. I guess I can see how it sort of builds on your basic theme, but you were moving so smoothly in P2-4 that this just takes a left turn and really damages it IMO.

Over the years, I have learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I understand what a simple contract entails and I understand what it means to process a transaction. You make a good case, but I still think thats a somewhat bold statement for a 0L. I have learned the basics of business but I need further training ("to maximize my potential..." or something). Negotiations, mergers and real estate transactions are a vital part of the foundation of my bridge to success. Sort of a confused metaphor. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. With a Juris Doctor, I will gain a set of skills that combined with my natural resourcefulness will better serve my clients and myself in the future. Really should be "me and my clients." The Depaul University College of Law provides that set of skills through their Business Law certification. As my business ventures grow and materialize into a career, the expertise offered by this certification will provide me with the knowledge I have been striving for to keep the drive inside of me alive. But your drive is endless...?

totalmajor
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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Mon Dec 17, 2012 3:33 am

Thanks for the feedback!

I don't get it though. You're not supposed to put in context clues into your personal statement? Some people say you do, some people say you don't.

I understand what you're saying with the college paragraph but I was also told I need to cut other crap out and put more about my life in college. Am I just choosing the wrong stories for this personal statement?

I Just want them to know I'm a sweet candidate! AHhh


Thanks

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Tue Dec 18, 2012 3:08 am

Spent the day writing this. If you can give it a quick read, I would GREATLY appreciate it.

Success is not necessarily defined by the amount of money you make but by the character you portray in this world. Whether it is attained through knowledge or hard work, success is defined by your self confidence, determination and the challenges you take to achieve the desired outcome. Growing up, I have always portrayed success as finishing my first lego set or by building my first website from scratch. It wasn’t about the amount of money I made but by the mere fact that I was capable of doing so on my own. As a first generation Pole, I was not accustomed to what was standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. My parents are grateful of the opportunities opened to them when they moved here but skeptical of the American Lifestyle. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure out on my own. It wasn’t because they were opposed, they just didn’t understand. My parents jokingly claim I am the reason they never learned to speak English, I never gave them the opportunity to do so. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world.

I started my first online business by the eighth grade. As a landlord of a substandard apartment complex, my father would occasionally substitute merchandise in place of rent for those that were falling behind. As these items started piling up, I saw the potential to sell them online and opened my first eBay store. I would evaluate and refurbish the items and proceed to listing them online. My father was skeptical at first, until he noticed the pile of stuff in our garage started getting out of smaller and smaller. Selling everything was not enough, as I soon came to realize, when one of the tenants was $5,000 behind on rent.

My father and I decided to take legal action. I spent countless hours compiling information and receipts my dad had in order to make a case against the tenant in small claims court. My dad was not very good at English so he relied on me, a 14 year old boy to do all the talking. The man smirked confidently behind the defense table, I nervously shuffled through my papers until I found what I was looking for and made my case. The defense table looked dumbfounded - I made a lasting impression.

This small claims experience sparked my interest to spend more time around the apartment complex. I collected rent, negotiated with tenants and helped my father with the simple contracts he kept with the tenants. The contracts were not enormously complex, but it was a taste of what real estate law looked like, and I liked it. It was my very own vision of success. I understood owning property was not feasible recreating the feeling I was envisioning needed to come sooner. I stumbled upon a website development advertisement and saw the potential of building and selling them on my own. I came up with simple agreements, set timelines, created invoices and kept a record of all of my transactions.

I took my eagerness to succeed with me to the University of Illinois where I participated in various organizations including a fraternity. Participating in a fraternity led me to realize that I’m not the only one after the satisfaction of success, but the lackluster effort from my peers put me in the spotlight. My sophomore year I learned my fraternity was in trouble. With the risk of shutting down, I knew someone needed to step up to the plate. I created a website that would reach out to long-lost alumni and even traveled to our headquarters over the summer. After making a compelling statement to our chapter adviser, he gave us another chance. My leadership and negotiation skills grew with me as I entered senior year but the real challenge began the last four weeks of school. I was given a taste of legal writing senior year when I wrote a paper for the department chair. With a four week timeline I had to compose a 30-40 page paper on a Supreme Court trial of my choice and analyze the decision-making process of each Justice. After spending countless hours learning the basics of legal writing and research as well as the basics of the Blue Book I came up with a paper even the research librarian applauded me on. I gained an understanding of what the next three years were going to look like and gained the confidence I need to be a successful law student at the Depaul University College of Law.

Over the years, I have learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I have learned the basics of business but I need further training to maximize my potential as a lawyer. The business program is a perfect solution as a right of passage into the real, business-law world. Negotiations, mergers and real estate transactions are a vital part of the foundation to my bridge to success. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. With a Juris Doctor, I will gain a set of skills that combined with my natural resourcefulness will better serve me and my clients in the future. The Depaul University College of Law provides that set of skills through their Business Law certification. As my business ventures grow and materialize into a career, the expertise offered by this certification will provide me with the knowledge I have been striving for to keep the drive inside of me alive.

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bluepenguin
Posts: 285
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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 18, 2012 3:25 am

Just gonna do the first paragraph:


Success is not necessarily defined by the amount of money you make but by the character you portray in this world. [What is this supposed to mean? Like... "by the strength of your character"?] Whether it is attained through knowledge [knowledge itself has to be attained] or hard work, success is defined by your self confidence, determination and the challenges you take on to achieve the outcome you desire. Growing up, I have always portrayed success as finishing my first lego set or by building my first website from scratch. [That doesn't make sense. You're using "portrayed" wrong. You want a different word.] It wasn’t about the amount of money I made [This sounds weird after the Lego reference, which presumably had no revenue potential. Maybe you want "making money."] but by the mere fact that I was capable of doing so on my own. As a first generation Pole [Polish-American], I was not accustomed to what was standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. My parents were [Tense agreement] grateful of the opportunities opened to them when they moved here but skeptical of the American lifestyle. Anything I wanted to do I needed to figure out on my own. It wasn’t because they were opposed, [Um, off the top of my head I think a semicolon or a dash would work here. Not sure a comma does.] they just didn’t understand. My parents jokingly claim that I am the reason they never learned to speak English, [;/./-] I never gave them the opportunity to do so. I was the liaison [I don't think that's the right word] between my parents and the outside world.

totalmajor
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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:16 am

Gah. You're right. My brain is fried.

Success is not necessarily defined by the amount of money you make but by the strength of your character. Whether it is acquired through knowledge or hard work, success is defined by your self confidence, determination and the challenges you take on to achieve the desired outcome. Growing up, I envisioned success as finishing my first lego set or by building my first website from scratch. It revolved around the satisfaction of building something on my own; without the help of my parents. As a first generation Pole, I was not accustomed to what was standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. My parents were grateful of the opportunities opened to them when they moved here but skeptical of the American Lifestyle. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure out on my own. It wasn’t because they were opposed; they just didn’t understand. My parents jokingly claim I am the reason they never learned to speak English- I never gave them the opportunity to do so. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world.

Better?? I don't even want to see the corrections for the rest of the essay...

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stuckinthemiddle
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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Tue Dec 18, 2012 6:36 am

My parents were grateful for the opportunities presented to them?

Also you used building twice in consecutive sentences. Why not switch one out for "creating" or something.

I think the first two sentences are really unnecessary, messy, and unclear. You can shorten them to:

Success is measured by the strength of your character, your self-confidence, and the challenges you have overcome.

You need to meet up with an English professor who can sort this PS statement out for you. It's far from a final draft and still has major issues of grammar and style.

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Tue Dec 18, 2012 2:11 pm

The problem is I have, several times! I Just keep adding and making changes because someone else recommends I add this or remove that, gahhhhhh

Thanks

brittanynicole_4
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:53 am

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby brittanynicole_4 » Tue Dec 18, 2012 2:30 pm

totalmajor wrote:I made a decent amount of changes. What do you guys think?

Thanks!


Growing up, I have always had an endless drive to succeed. Whether it was building my first lego set or building my first website, I needed to make sure I was capable of doing so on my own. As a first generation Polish child, I was not accustomed to what seemed to be the standard in American homes: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. Anything I wanted to do, I needed to figure out on my own. Not because my parents were opposed, they just didn’t understand. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world. My parents jokingly claim I’m the reason they never learned to speak English, I never gave them the opportunity to do so.

By the eighth grade, I started my first online business. Little did I know that I would be prepping for the future in business law that I will pursue at the Depaul College of Law. As a landlord of an substandard apartment complex in the city, my father would occasionally take in items in place of rent for those that needed extra time. As these items started piling up, I saw the potential of selling them online and opened up my first eBay store. I would evaluate and refurbish the items. I ended up selling everything else and more. Selling everything was not enough, as I soon came to realize, when one of the tenants was $5,000 behind on rent.

Eventually, my father and I had to take legal action. I spent countless hours compiling information and receipts my dad had in order to make a case against this man in small claims court. My dad wasn’t very good at English so he relied on me, a 14 year old boy to do all the talking. The man smirked behind the defense table, thinking this was going to be an easy win for him. Why would a young boy have to help defend his father? I nervously shuffled through my papers until I found what I was looking for and made my case. The defense table looked dumbfounded - I made a lasting impression.

The interest sparked to spend more time around the apartment complex. I collected rent, negotiated with tenants and helped my father with the simple contracts he kept with the tenants. They were nothing like the complex agreements the future holds for me at Depaul, but it was a taste of what real estate law looked like, and I liked it. The drive for success kept building inside of me. I understood it would be years before I could own property on my own, so I needed to find a reason to come up with my own contracts. I stumbled upon a website development advertisement and saw the potential of building creating them on my own. I came up with simple agreements, set timelines, invoices and kept a record of my transactions. This would comprise the majority of my income over the next few years while sharpening my agreements.

I flourished as an individual at the University of Illinois. Participating in a fraternity in addition to several other campus organizations helped me build strong leadership and negotiation skills. My sophomore year, my fraternity was in trouble. There was a risk of its shutting down and something needed to be done. I stepped up to the plate and created a website to reach out to long-lost alumni and even traveled to our headquarters in Ohio. After making a compelling statement to our chapter adviser, he gave us another chance. As a Political Science major, I was given a taste of legal writing senior year when I wrote a paper for the department chair. With a four week timeline I had to compose a 30-40 page paper on a Supreme Court trial of my choice and analyze the decision-making process of each Justice. After spending countless hours learning the basics of legal writing and research as well as the basics of the Blue Book I came up with a paper even the research librarian applauded me on. I gained an understanding of what the next three years were going to look like and gained the confidence I need to be a successful law student at the Depaul University College of Law.

Over the years, I have learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I understand what a simple contract entails and I understand what it means to process a transaction. I have learned the basics of business but I still need the help of the business program as right of passage into the real, business-law world. Negotiations, mergers and real estate transactions are a vital part of the foundation to my bridge to success. As a lawyer, the possibilities are limitless. With a Juris Doctor, I will gain a set of skills that combined with my natural resourcefulness will better serve my clients and myself, in the future. The Depaul University College of Law provides that set of skills through their Business Law certification. As my business ventures grow and materialize into a career, the expertise offered by this certification will provide me with the knowledge I have been striving for to keep the drive inside of me alive.


My advice, you can not keep changing things just because one person says they do not like it, or a particular sentence is not clear. Now if multiple people are agreeing upon a specific change that is different. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make everyone’s suggestions a reality. I personally like the ps I quoted above. I think the topic is interesting and different. I do believe the second to the last paragraph about your experiences at college is a bit of a rehash, as the first poster mentioned. This whole paragraph may not even be necessary. Think about deleting it….just a thought.

I flourished as an individual at the University of Illinois. Participating in a fraternity in addition to several other campus organizations helped me build strong leadership and negotiation skills. My sophomore year, my fraternity was in trouble. There was a risk of its shutting down and something needed to be done. I stepped up to the plate and created a website to reach out to long-lost alumni and even traveled to our headquarters in Ohio. After making a compelling statement to our chapter adviser, he gave us another chance. As a Political Science major, I was given a taste of legal writing senior year when I wrote a paper for the department chair. With a four week timeline I had to compose a 30-40 page paper on a Supreme Court trial of my choice and analyze the decision-making process of each Justice. After spending countless hours learning the basics of legal writing and research as well as the basics of the Blue Book I came up with a paper even the research librarian applauded me on. I gained an understanding of what the next three years were going to look like and gained the confidence I need to be a successful law student at the Depaul University College of Law.


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bluepenguin
Posts: 285
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Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 18, 2012 3:00 pm

totalmajor wrote:The problem is I have, several times! I Just keep adding and making changes because someone else recommends I add this or remove that, gahhhhhh


brittanynicole_4 wrote:My advice, you can not keep changing things just because one person says they do not like it, or a particular sentence is not clear. Now if multiple people are agreeing upon a specific change that is different. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make everyone’s suggestions a reality.


Well, I agree that he shouldn't blindly follow every single suggestion. However, errors like misusing words or improper grammar have to be fixed, and sometimes it takes multiple looks from multiple editors to catch them. Phrasing issues are tougher, but it's still a good idea to see how readers are reacting to it. I like the PS but the writing isn't good at the moment.

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Tue Dec 18, 2012 3:53 pm

And I truly appreciate you guys helping me with this. I have no idea why grammar isn't clicking for me right now so this extra hand is a life-saver!

B90
Posts: 264
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 3:08 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby B90 » Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:25 pm

"what I would do, as I did with mine is to read the PS word for word, out load. "

--Lear22

:oops: :oops: :oops: :? :? :? :shock: :shock: :shock: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

totalmajor
Posts: 28
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 12:34 pm

Re: Personal Statement Final Draft

Postby totalmajor » Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:04 pm

I think personal statements are becoming a full time job for me. I read and read, made changes, had it looked over and came up with this. I really believe this might be it but if it's not, just please let me know. I would rather wait an extra day then turn something substandard in.

Thanks again everyone!



Success is measured by the strength of your character, your self-confidence and the challenges you overcome. Whether it is acquired through knowledge or hard work, it relies on the individual to make the right choices until the desired outcome has been achieved.

Growing up, I envisioned success as finishing my first lego set or by building my first website from scratch. Nothing gave me more satisfaction that the product of my own labor. Success revolved around the satisfaction of creating something on my own; without my parents’ assistance. As a first generation Pole, I was not accustomed to the standards of the American home: internet, cable TV, a dishwasher. While grateful for the opportunities the United States offered, my parents were skeptical of the American lifestyle. They weren’t opposed to the customs in their new country; they just didn’t understand. Because of this, I had to figure out a lot of things on my own. I was the liaison between my parents and the outside world. My parents jokingly claim I am the reason they never learned to speak English- I never gave them the opportunity to do so.

In the eighth grade I started my first online business. As a landlord of a substandard apartment complex, my father would occasionally substitute merchandise in place of rent for those that were falling behind. As these items started piling up, I saw the potential to sell them online and opened my first eBay store. I would evaluate and refurbish the items and proceed to listing them online and even have my mother drive me to the post office. My father was skeptical at first, until he noticed the pile of stuff in our garage getting smaller and smaller.Though skeptical at first, my father was pleasantly surprised that the merchandise he accepted as rent no longer sat unused. Through my online business we were able to turn the pile of stuff into a profit. Despite the success of this venture, we realized that we needed to come up with another solution when one of the tenants fell $5,00 behind on rent.

My father and I decided to take legal action. I spent countless hours compiling information and receipts my father had in order to make a case against the tenant in small claims court. My father was not proficient in speaking English so he relied on me, a 14 year old boy to do all the talking. The tenant smirked confidently behind the defense table, thinking my father and I didn’t stand a chance; I nervously shuffled through my papers until I gathered my findings and made a case. After presenting the evidence, the defense looked dumbfounded at my ability to make a persuasive argument. I made a lasting impression.

I took my eagerness to succeed to the University of Illinois, where I participated in a number of organizations, one of them being a fraternity. Participating helped me realize I had several like-minded individuals around me. My sophomore year I learned my fraternity was in trouble; with the risk of shutting down, someone needed to step up to the plate. I saw this as an opportunity to take on a leadership role and created a website that would reach out to long-lost alumni for help. In a final effort to save my legacy, I traveled to our headquarters over the summer. After making a compelling statement to our chapter advisor, he awarded us another chance to rectify the past and turn the chapter around.
My leadership and negotiation skills grew with me as I entered senior year, but during the final stretch the real challenge began; I was given the opportunity to write a paper for the department chair for the Political Science program, as a welcome taste of legal writing. With a four week timeline I was instructed to compose a 30-40 page paper on a Supreme Court trial of my choice and analyze the decision-making process of each Justice. After spending countless hours learning the basics of legal writing and research as well as the basics of the Blue Book I produced a paper even the research librarian applauded me on.

Over the years, I have learned to take advantage of the resources around me. I have learned the basics of business and law but I need further training to maximize my potential. That is why I feel the DePaul University College of Law business program is the best program for my future plans. Obtaining my Juris Doctor and Business Law certification from DePaul would help me capitalize on the growth of my business ventures and materialize these efforts into a long-lasting career. Combined with my natural resourcefulness, the skills I will learn at DePaul will help me to better serve my future clients, as well as my own ambition. Through my experiences as a child, teen, and a successful undergraduate student, I have achieved an understanding of what the next three years are going to look like, and gained the confidence I need to be a successful law student at the DePaul University College of Law.




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