Getting closer? An almost final fraft Forum

[Lear22]

I polished my PS as much as I could using 'manual of style', many proofreading devices and took notes from people who read earlier drafts. I like what I have now but would welcome any comments or advice if I should keep polishing. I plan to submit Sunday night, so I still have a few more days to do work on it.

Thanks again to anyone that reads and/or comments. The advice here did a world of good for me so far and I am very thankful.

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My mother makes the most wonderful falafel. Nutty and herby, crispy and golden brown outside yet moist inside. Living away from my family in Israel, it is the food I miss most. Every Chanukah, when it is a custom to serve fried foods to remember the oil tin which lasted eight nights, my parents hold a holiday party. There my mother serves homemade falafel, tahini and a classic Israeli-style chopped vegetable salad of cucumbers, tomatoes and onions, to which she adds grated radishes “to give a peppery punch”, seasoned with salt, oregano and a dash of olive oil. All this is served family style with fresh pita bread pockets.
This past Chanukah memories of my mother’s falafel did not leave my mind. I almost smelled our kitchen and longed for its taste and the feeling of family. A lover of the culinary arts and bringing people together, I decided to hold a dinner party, serving my mother’s falafel and side dishes.
Confidently, I began by sending an email invitation to my Seattleite friends. Unaware of the magnitude of their love for (free) food, I received fourteen confirmations. Next (perhaps mistakenly second), I fetched for the recipe and instructions over a telephone call, in which my mother delivered the recipe using quantities such as “a palm size of parsley” (mine? hers?) while I attempted to translate the ingredient list she recited in Hebrew. All this meant I must take her shopping with me. Thankful for free Wi-Fi, courtesy of my local grocery store and my smartphone's video chat application, we shopped trough the aisles and looked for chickpeas, parsley bunches and a soda water brand that is apparently not sold in the United States. I returned to my apartment with a new sense of camaraderie with my mother who through the small screen seemed just as excited.
The next day I decided I could leave this to chance. Working from my mother’s recipe I ground the chickpeas and parsley to which I added the remaining ingredients. In this “dry run” the mixture separated in the hot oil and I wondered what went wrong. I invested a week learning about different frying techniques, the importance of a kitchen thermometer and purchased a heavy cast-iron frying pan which, according to reviews, will assist in keeping the oil temperature leveled.
The following days I spent many hours on the telephone with my mother, conversing more than ever before. We discussed the correct method of grinding chickpeas to a consistent texture and why we add a large egg (rather than wasting two small ones) to bind the mixture. Between advice, my mother reminisced on the first time my parents and sisters came to visit me in boot camp, when all I wanted was a falafel sandwich, even though the base’s canteen served them regularly. Through food, we came together as there was not an ocean between us. Encouraged by my attempts in frying with a kitchen thermometer, a new pan and my mother by my side, I was close to a palatable result.
By the day of the party I felt I mastered the task. However, I decided to pay it forward. When my friends arrived I greeted them with aprons. Together, we ground chickpeas and parsley as I explained about each process and the history of falafel in Israeli cuisine. We chopped vegetables and grated radishes. I taught them how to make tahini and why it needed to be thin but not loose (to ensure the pita bread won't soften and puncture). The falafel was wonderful and I felt I created my own home away from home tradition. At the end of the night each left with the recipe and leftovers for tomorrow's lunch. I also took pictures which I sent to my mother. She was proud.
Immigrating to the United States was life altering. As the years go by, I realize that rather than a standalone event, it is a collection of experiences that connect me with where I came to and from and with yourself. It forced an adaptation to change that took what I brought and with I built a new life. Learning how to make my mother's falafel bridged what I longed for most in Israel with my life here. Although I still miss many aspects of life in Israel, I am hopeful, excited and welcome new experiences that lie ahead.

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[Lear22]

a desperate attempt to bump this as I'm really hoping to submit all my apps by Sunday night..

I'd appreciate any comment or thought.

[francesfarmer]

I see what you're trying to do but I think you probably have a lot more substantive experiences that you could talk about. Like, I think you just talk about cooking too much and there isn't really much meat to this (no pun intended).

[Lear22]

I see what you're trying to do but I think you probably have a lot more substantive experiences that you could talk about. Like, I think you just talk about cooking too much and there isn't really much meat to this (no pun intended).

Thanks. I am not trying to give much 'meat' about my immigration exirience as a whole because Im writing a diversity statement as well where I go into that, into my WE, army service etc. what Im trying to do here is tell a story that from and through it I'm trying to show a little about me as a person, about my heritage and how I approach things (i.e taking a week to study the perfect frying method).

I got really good responses to the topic and statement in general from people here and others outside TLS who know a lot about the application process.

EDIT: I just realized that the cat in your profile looks a lot like my late Israeli cat Mitzi

[bluepenguin]

Some thoughts.

My mother makes the most wonderful falafel. Nutty and herby, crispy and golden brown outside(comma? this sentence is above my knowledge level) yet(coma? this sentence is above my knowledge level) moist inside. Living far from my family in Israel, it is the food I miss most. Every Chanukah, when it is customary to serve fried foods to remember the oil tin that lasted eight nights, my parents hold a holiday party. There my mother serves homemade falafel, tahini and a classic Israeli-style chopped vegetable salad of cucumbers, tomatoes and onions, to which she adds grated radishes “to give a peppery punch”, seasoned with salt, oregano and a dash of olive oil. All this is served family style with fresh pita bread pockets.
This past Chanukah(comma?) memories of my mother’s falafel did not leave my mind. I could almost smell our kitchen and longed for its taste [The taste of the kitchen?] and the feeling of family. I love the culinary arts and bringing people together, so I decided to hold a dinner party serving my mother’s falafel and side dishes.
I began by confidently sending an invitation to my Seattleite friends. Unaware of the magnitude of their love for (free) food, I received fourteen confirmations. Next (perhaps mistakenly second) [huh? I would delete that. You don't need it and you already have plenty of parentheses], I solicited the recipe and instructions over a telephone call, in which my mother delivered the recipe using quantities such as “a palm size of parsley” (mine? hers?) while I attempted to translate the ingredient list she recited in Hebrew. [I love this section but the writing is slightly awkward.] All this meant I must take her shopping with me. Thanks to free Wi-Fi courtesy of my local grocery store and my smartphone's video chat application, [Comma?] we strolled through the aisles and looked for chickpeas, parsley bunches and a soda water brand that is apparently not sold in the United States. I returned to my apartment with a new sense of camaraderie [the word is okay, but I don't love it] with my mother who seemed just as excited through the smartphone screen.
The next day I decided I could not leave this to chance. Working from my mother’s recipe(comma?) I ground the chickpeas and parsley and added the remaining ingredients. In this “dry run(comma?)” the mixture separated in the hot oil and I wondered what went wrong. I invested a week learning about different frying techniques, the importance of a kitchen thermometer, and purchased a heavy cast-iron frying pan.
[In/over/during] The following days I spent many hours on the telephone with my mother, conversing more than ever before. We discussed the correct method of grinding chickpeas to a consistent texture and why we add a large egg (rather than wasting two small ones) to bind the mixture. Between advice, my mother reminisced on the first time my parents and sisters came to visit me in boot camp, when all I wanted was a falafel sandwich, even though the base’s canteen served them regularly. Through food, we came together as though there was not an ocean between us. Encouraged by my attempts in frying with a kitchen thermometer, a new pan and my mother by my side, I was close to a palatable result.
By the day of the party I felt I had mastered the task. However, I decided to pay it forward. When my friends arrived I greeted them with aprons. Together, we ground chickpeas and parsley as I explained about each process and the history of falafel in Israeli cuisine. We chopped vegetables and grated radishes. I taught them how to make tahini and why it needed to be thin but not loose (to ensure the pita bread won't soften and puncture). The falafel was wonderful; I felt I had created my own expatriate tradition. At the end of the night, each guest left with the recipe and leftovers for tomorrow's ["the next day's." You mean the day after that day, not the day after today.] lunch. I also took pictures which I sent to my mother. She was proud.
Immigrating to the United States was life altering. As the years go by, I realize that rather than a standalone event, it is a collection of experiences that connect me with where I came to and from and with yourself [idk what you mean by this]. It forced an adaptation to change that took what I brought and with I built a new life. [I'm also not following this sentence.] Learning how to make my mother's falafel merged what I longed for most in Israel with my life here. Although I still miss many aspects of life in Israel, I am hopeful, excited and welcome the new experiences that lie ahead.

--------------------------------------

[Lear22]

Some thoughts.

My mother makes the most wonderful falafel. Nutty and herby, crispy and golden brown outside(comma? this sentence is above my knowledge level) yet(coma? this sentence is above my knowledge level) moist inside. Living far from my family in Israel, it is the food I miss most. Every Chanukah, when it is customary to serve fried foods to remember the oil tin that lasted eight nights, my parents hold a holiday party. There my mother serves homemade falafel, tahini and a classic Israeli-style chopped vegetable salad of cucumbers, tomatoes and onions, to which she adds grated radishes “to give a peppery punch”, seasoned with salt, oregano and a dash of olive oil. All this is served family style with fresh pita bread pockets.
This past Chanukah(comma?) memories of my mother’s falafel did not leave my mind. I could almost smell our kitchen and longed for its taste [The taste of the kitchen?] and the feeling of family. I love the culinary arts and bringing people together, so I decided to hold a dinner party serving my mother’s falafel and side dishes.
I began by confidently sending an invitation to my Seattleite friends. Unaware of the magnitude of their love for (free) food, I received fourteen confirmations. Next (perhaps mistakenly second) [huh? I would delete that. You don't need it and you already have plenty of parentheses], I solicited the recipe and instructions over a telephone call, in which my mother delivered the recipe using quantities such as “a palm size of parsley” (mine? hers?) while I attempted to translate the ingredient list she recited in Hebrew. [I love this section but the writing is slightly awkward.] All this meant I must take her shopping with me. Thanks to free Wi-Fi courtesy of my local grocery store and my smartphone's video chat application, [Comma?] we strolled through the aisles and looked for chickpeas, parsley bunches and a soda water brand that is apparently not sold in the United States. I returned to my apartment with a new sense of camaraderie [the word is okay, but I don't love it] with my mother who seemed just as excited through the smartphone screen.
The next day I decided I could not leave this to chance. Working from my mother’s recipe(comma?) I ground the chickpeas and parsley and added the remaining ingredients. In this “dry run(comma?)” the mixture separated in the hot oil and I wondered what went wrong. I invested a week learning about different frying techniques, the importance of a kitchen thermometer, and purchased a heavy cast-iron frying pan.
[In/over/during] The following days I spent many hours on the telephone with my mother, conversing more than ever before. We discussed the correct method of grinding chickpeas to a consistent texture and why we add a large egg (rather than wasting two small ones) to bind the mixture. Between advice, my mother reminisced on the first time my parents and sisters came to visit me in boot camp, when all I wanted was a falafel sandwich, even though the base’s canteen served them regularly. Through food, we came together as though there was not an ocean between us. Encouraged by my attempts in frying with a kitchen thermometer, a new pan and my mother by my side, I was close to a palatable result.
By the day of the party I felt I had mastered the task. However, I decided to pay it forward. When my friends arrived I greeted them with aprons. Together, we ground chickpeas and parsley as I explained about each process and the history of falafel in Israeli cuisine. We chopped vegetables and grated radishes. I taught them how to make tahini and why it needed to be thin but not loose (to ensure the pita bread won't soften and puncture). The falafel was wonderful; I felt I had created my own expatriate tradition. At the end of the night, each guest left with the recipe and leftovers for tomorrow's ["the next day's." You mean the day after that day, not the day after today.] lunch. I also took pictures which I sent to my mother. She was proud.
Immigrating to the United States was life altering. As the years go by, I realize that rather than a standalone event, it is a collection of experiences that connect me with where I came to and from and with yourself [idk what you mean by this]. It forced an adaptation to change that took what I brought and with I built a new life. [I'm also not following this sentence.] Learning how to make my mother's falafel merged what I longed for most in Israel with my life here. Although I still miss many aspects of life in Israel, I am hopeful, excited and welcome the new experiences that lie ahead.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! I greatly appreciate it!

[Younger Abstention]

The first 7 paragraphs should be reduced to like 4 sentences. Seriously.

[Lear22]

The first 7 paragraphs should be reduced to like 4 sentences. Seriously.

I'll send you a msg after I get decisions. Thanks for reading my statement though

[francesfarmer]

The first 7 paragraphs should be reduced to like 4 sentences. Seriously.

I'll send you a msg after I get decisions. Thanks for reading my statement though

Not trying to be a bitch but I agree.

[Lear22]

The first 7 paragraphs should be reduced to like 4 sentences. Seriously.

I'll send you a msg after I get decisions. Thanks for reading my statement though

Not trying to be a bitch but I agree.

It's fine. Really.

I like what I wrote and I'm going with my feeling. I'm writing a diversity statement as well.

I believe it delivers the narrative that I'm building in my app and it works very well in the grand scheme of things.

I'll happily update once the cycle is over.

[francesfarmer]

Your diversity statement is supposed to be ancillary to your PS. You'll get into law school anyway but I really don't think this is going to help you. It is well written but it doesn't SAY anything.

[Younger Abstention]

The first 7 paragraphs should be reduced to like 4 sentences. Seriously.

I'll send you a msg after I get decisions. Thanks for reading my statement though

I hope the adcomms enjoy learning about falafel making, because they sure as shit aren't learning much about you. You'll likely get into the schools that your numbers allow for, so I won't need any private message to confirm such, but you aren't doing yourself too many favors with this statement.

[Lear22]

The first 7 paragraphs should be reduced to like 4 sentences. Seriously.

I'll send you a msg after I get decisions. Thanks for reading my statement though

I hope the adcomms enjoy learning about falafel making, because they sure as shit aren't learning much about you. You'll likely get into the schools that your numbers allow for, so I won't need any private message to confirm such, but you aren't doing yourself too many favors with this statement.

That's your opinion, which is completely valid. Others who read it thought differently, and I gave it to many people to read and comment. Some 'regular' folks, some who know a lot about the app process and some who went through law school. The majority overall liked it. I'm not saying that some won't think what you think, and I respect your opinion. I believe that it works for me and my application which is very far from the avarege applicants in many parimiters.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

[Spritzpiggy]

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone else. Its not badly written, its just bland (unlike the food you're describing). At one point there's something promising- you mention it was difficult moving to the US. Maybe expand on that or show some other aspect of your life experience than just cooking.

Edit: you just posted the above comment so I see you won't be altering it. Good luck.

[francesfarmer]

I know you're trying to go "risky" with your app and therefore you're expecting some people not to like your PS but that's not why I don't like it. I don't like it because it has no substance and I think an adcomm will think its a waste of time to read, especially when you obviously have so many interesting things to write about. Its boring and says nothing about you.

[stuckinthemiddle]

The statement doesn't really say anything substantial about you. I don't feel like I know anything about you after reading it other than that your family is in Israel, and you like to cook. :/

Sorry. I feel like you could be using this PS opportunity so much more effectively. As it stands, I don't know if this will help you at all.

Good luck!!!

[Lear22]

The statement doesn't really say anything substantial about you. I don't feel like I know anything about you after reading it other than that your family is in Israel, and you like to cook. :/

Sorry. I feel like you could be using this PS opportunity so much more effectively. As it stands, I don't know if this will help you at all.

Good luck!!!

Thanks for reading and commenting on it. It's funny how each person (here, in the real world etc) have a different opinion. Someone else wrote that from that "i would think that this is a warm person wh is welcoming and inviting and inclusive" (her words)

[steakandchicken]

I enjoyed reading your PS and you do a good job at giving many memorable details. That said, I'm nervous for you. It doesn't read like a PS for law school. I can see reading this in a magazine or a local newspaper.

I don't think it is boring but I think it doesn't say enough about you. You are making your readers work too hard. You don't do enough to relate this story to the bigger picture. What does this tell your readers about yourself? I think you are being too subtle and an adcom could get frustrated. I would suggest adding a final paragraph relating this experience to your WE and academic endeavors and how the patience and determination you cultivated making falafels will help you in LS and as a lawyer. That would do a lot to elevate this from a risky PS to one that effectively uses a personal anecdote.

Best of luck to you! You are clearly a talented writer with an interesting life story.

[Lear22]

I know you're trying to go "risky" with your app and therefore you're expecting some people not to like your PS but that's not why I don't like it. I don't like it because it has no substance and I think an adcomm will think its a waste of time to read, especially when you obviously have so many interesting things to write about. Its boring and says nothing about you.

In your opinion. Again.
I have no problem with others' opinion on it, otherwise I wouldn't have posted it here. Other people thought differently, which is also fine. I am greatful for the comments here and esp for the grammar and tense corrections. I am not going to change the PS, I think it works for me (again, IMHO).

[Lear22]

I enjoyed reading your PS and you do a good job at giving many memorable details. That said, I'm nervous for you. It doesn't read like a PS for law school. I can see reading this in a magazine or a local newspaper.

I don't think it is boring but I think it doesn't say enough about you. You are making your readers work too hard. You don't do enough to relate this story to the bigger picture. What does this tell your readers about yourself? I think you are being too subtle and an adcom could get frustrated. I would suggest adding a final paragraph relating this experience to your WE and academic endeavors and how the patience and determination you cultivated making falafels will help you in LS and as a lawyer. That would do a lot to elevate this from a risky PS to one that effectively uses a personal anecdote.

Best of luck to you! You are clearly a talented writer with an interesting life story.

Thanks. I appreciate it very much. I was struggling with how to end it in a way that does exactly what you're suggesting. I have another day or two before I submit so ill definitely give it thought. Thanks again.

[francesfarmer]

I know you're trying to go "risky" with your app and therefore you're expecting some people not to like your PS but that's not why I don't like it. I don't like it because it has no substance and I think an adcomm will think its a waste of time to read, especially when you obviously have so many interesting things to write about. Its boring and says nothing about you.

In your opinion. Again.
I have no problem with others' opinion on it, otherwise I wouldn't have posted it here. Other people thought differently, which is also fine. I am greatful for the comments here and esp for the grammar and tense corrections. I am not going to change the PS, I think it works for me (again, IMHO).

Of course its my opinion. Again. And you are not open to suggestions about how to improve your worefully unimformative PS, again.

[Lear22]

I know you're trying to go "risky" with your app and therefore you're expecting some people not to like your PS but that's not why I don't like it. I don't like it because it has no substance and I think an adcomm will think its a waste of time to read, especially when you obviously have so many interesting things to write about. Its boring and says nothing about you.

In your opinion. Again.
I have no problem with others' opinion on it, otherwise I wouldn't have posted it here. Other people thought differently, which is also fine. I am greatful for the comments here and esp for the grammar and tense corrections. I am not going to change the PS, I think it works for me (again, IMHO).

Of course its my opinion. Again. And you are not open to suggestions about how to improve your worefully unimformative PS, again.

That's not true, as I wrote to the one suggesting ill add more information on the closing parg. You are right though, that I'm not open to X it a write a new one. I have conviction in what I wrote and how it fits in the overall narrative of my app. That's not going to change, simply because I don't think it should. I know I have good writing abilities and that it reflects from the PS. I think it does a good job in delivering an experience and through it touches on details that are not in my résumé or other records. I am not a traditional applicant and I'm approaching my app that way. I am greatful for anyone who took the time to read and comment and I did make changes from my first draft to the (almost) final one.

[stuckinthemiddle]

I have to agree with the last poster.

The biggest question I have while reading your PS is "what in the world does this have to do with law school??"

If you're not going to budge on adding a little more depth to the PS, then I would strongly suggest AT LEAST addressing why you want to go to law school. As it stands, I already don't know a great deal about you, even with your cute cooking story, but to also not know why you're applying to law school on your LAW SCHOOL personal statement is very disconcerting. Do not lose track of the purpose of this exercise. It is not a creative writing assignment. It is an avenue for you to sell yourself, and you need to be as explicit, direct, and straightforward about your strengths and goals as possible.

Also, your last paragraph is messy, and the second and third sentences make absolutely no grammatical sense. I think others posters have pointed this out already so make sure to fix it. Those are pretty serious stylistic/form errors.

[francesfarmer]

I have to agree with the last poster.

The biggest question I have while reading your PS is "what in the world does this have to do with law school??"

If you're not going to budge on adding a little more depth to the PS, then I would strongly suggest AT LEAST addressing why you want to go to law school. As it stands, I already don't know a great deal about you, even with your cute cooking story, but to also not know why you're applying to law school on your LAW SCHOOL personal statement is very disconcerting. Do not lose track of the purpose of this exercise. It is not a creative writing assignment. It is an avenue for you to sell yourself, and you need to be as explicit, direct, and straightforward about your strengths and goals as possible.
Also, your last paragraph is messy, and the second and third paragraphs make absolutely no grammatical sense. I think others posters have pointed this out already so make sure to fix it. Those are pretty serious stylistic/form errors.

I don't think you need to explicitly say why you want to go to law school but THIS.

[stuckinthemiddle]

And just to put things in perspective, while you may be good at writing, this PS is average in terms of style, word choice, coherence, and flow. I don't believe you should be 100% confident that your writing is going to make up for the riskiness and ambiguity of your PS.

Again, I don't want you to think I'm taking a shot at you. You really do sound like a nice person with an interesting story to tell, and you know your package better than any of us do. Just be realistic about the choices you are making and don't be too stubborn to add a little "safety padding" with a few conventional PS components like actual goals or personal strengths and skills.