PS - Feedback Needed!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2010 1:40 am

PS - Feedback Needed!!!

Postby effingenius » Wed Dec 12, 2012 6:00 pm

Please feel free to shred to pieces and give me feedback. Thanks in advance...

Basketball has always been my passion. When I was younger, my goal was to play Division I basketball for [xxx], but my collegiate options were only limited to Division II and III programs.

Nevertheless, I remained adamant about my goal and vowed to join the team through tryouts.

Before my freshman year, I trained twice a day, seven times a week. My mornings consisted of sessions in the weight room followed by speed and agility exercises on the track. Evenings consisted of shooting and dribbling drills followed by games at the local gym against professional and collegiate players. At the end of the summer, I was ready, or so I thought.

The phone call I waited for congratulating me after the tryout never came.

One night after a game at the local gym, I chatted with the other players about their collegiate experiences. They emphasized the importance of being a “student of the game”. Until then I relied on my physical abilities, but I realized that basketball was more complex than I had imagined.

Armed with a new motivation, I poured over game tapes and sifted through playbooks, studying strategy, timing and spacing. I recorded notes after games to improve on mistakes. I sought advice and criticism from older, more experienced players. Putting all of this into practice, however, was not as easy.

Initially, I was frustrated as the results were not instantaneous, but as I kept studying and practicing, I noticed progress. I started playing more efficiently – using fewer steps to get into position and used proper form and technique and demonstrated better judgment – making better passes and anticipating the next play. All of this was due to changing my approach to basketball.

Months after my second tryout, the phone call congratulating me on making the team finally arrived and I was a member of the [xxx].

As my approach to basketball changed, I developed an appreciation for its complexity. I enjoyed studying different aspects of the sport. I studied torque and velocity and its relationship to the ball. I knew that understanding the smallest nuances would give me a competitive advantage. By approaching basketball in this manner, I prepared myself for my professional career.

For the past 5 years, I have worked in financial regulation for [xxx]. Much like basketball, I have become a student in this industry and strived to strengthen my business acumen and financial understanding. I obtained my MBA and utilized coursework in investment banking, financial instruments, and valuation techniques to increase my understanding of the firms [xxx] regulated. As a student in this industry, I would like to further bolster my skill set and obtain a legal education.

I want to synthesize my educational background, professional experience and a legal education to return to this industry to be an advocate for investors. Financial regulation requires an understanding of the financial industry and the rules and regulations that govern it. Over the past 5 years at [xxx], I have worked in roles where I was responsible for identifying violative activity before transferring the work onto attorneys who would prosecute the matter. With a legal education, I would able to expand my skill set, understand nuances of the law and work on matters to completion. For me, this is what is essential and will prove to be rewarding in this industry.

Although I no longer play basketball as often as I once did, I still hold on to the lessons that I have learned. The sport has shown me that working towards succeeding requires building upon a strong foundation. I hope to utilize this approach in law school and throughout my career.

Posts: 6
Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2010 1:40 am

Re: PS - Feedback Needed!!!

Postby effingenius » Fri Dec 14, 2012 2:50 pm


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Re: PS - Feedback Needed!!!

Postby francesfarmer » Fri Dec 14, 2012 2:56 pm

Have you read other sports-focused personal statements? I don't really know how they're supposed to "go" but I think you could have a little more structure. Like "I would be an asset to blank because blank," I'm not sure. And take out the last line. Your approach is studying.

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