First Draft PS Critique Help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
karmaman
Posts: 106
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:21 am

First Draft PS Critique Help

Postby karmaman » Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:17 pm

Hey guys, so this is a very early rough draft, but I just wanted to know your thoughts. Any critique is much appreciated, and if interested we could swap essays. Thanks


The tension in the air is thick, seeming ready to erupt at any time. Crowds are sprawled out on sleeping bags and in tens in front of shops, others are chanting slogans and waving flags. Some shoot off fireworks while others graffiti their anti-government sentiments on any piece of exposed wall or building. This scene seems reminescient of something you might have seen in the United States during the time of the Vietnam War, but this scene takes place in a much more modern time. This is Tahrir Square; this is the birthplace of the Arab Spring.
In the midst of all this chaos and excitement, I found myself sitting in a quite office building a mile away, sheltered and closed off to the very real things happening around me. In February of 2012, I was afforded the rare opportunity to travel to Egypt to work with my father as an implementation and strategy consultant for the Subway Sandwiches brand. As an International Business major, this was what I spent four years of my life preparing for and I was more than eager to take on the challenge.
This position entailed me primarily managing existing supply chain managers and ensuring they were adhering to strict uniformity standards that are paramount to the global success of the brand, as well as the scouting of new locations throughout the bustling city of Cairo and the coastal enclave of Alexandria. Although I learned a great deal about the business world and was able to apply much of what I learned in school to real life situations, I felt that the most rewarding aspect of the trip was my newfound appreciation for the law.
Working in such close proximity to the Tahrir Square, I spent many nights after work participating in the demonstrations. I felt drawn to the square, the energy radiating from the thousands of people fighting for justice acted as a magnetic field, pulling me in. When you entered Tahrir, your race, color, age, gender or socio-economic background no longer mattered, the only criteria necessary was a sense of humanity.
Walking the streets of Cairo, I have witnessed countless faces filled with anger, frustration, and discontent for their current situation. They felt neglected and ignored, marginalized and trivialized. However, the scene in Tahrir is quite different. The square has come to symbolize hope, prosperity, change, justice, and democracy. Here, people feel that their voice is being heard, that they are rewriting their country’s history, and being the catalyst for change that they have for so long yearned for, but could never attain.
Just as Tahrir has come to embody certain essential ideals, the rule of law itself is seen as symbolizing many of these same beliefs. The law in all its grandeur and mystique is still at its essence a beacon of hope. It represents justice and it provides security for all those who are protected under its jurisdiction. The law offers a saving grace for those that felt they have nowhere else to turn to. It provides a voice for those who have been kept silent for so long, thus inviting them back into a society that has for so long forgot they were there.
Growing up in America, I have often taken for granted the law and the vital function it serves in our society. It wasn’t until I moved to Egypt and saw everyday how badly these people wanted laws and a government that is there to protect them, instead of abuse them, did I realize how lucky I was to have been raised in such an environment. This epiphany solidified my intent to pursue a legal education. As a lawyer, I will now have the knowledge and skillset to be the voice for those who have been forgotten or taken advantage of. There are millions of people around the globe who are suffering just as the Egyptian people are suffering, but I believe that an end to this suffering can be attained. If we, as humans, and lawyers, stand up for what is right and just then we can have a very real, tangible impact on this world that will affect future generations for years to come.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First Draft PS Critique Help

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:24 pm

This is a good PS. Just remember, however, that idealism is not the real world. Lawyers need to be grounded in reality in order to advance toward an idealistic goal. Be prepared for lots of growth & disappointment.

karmaman
Posts: 106
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:21 am

Re: First Draft PS Critique Help

Postby karmaman » Mon Dec 10, 2012 6:14 pm

agreed Canadianwold, did I sound way too idealistic in the PS? Was it specifically the last section? Anything else you think I should change/revise?

karmaman
Posts: 106
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 1:21 am

Re: First Draft PS Critique Help

Postby karmaman » Mon Dec 10, 2012 9:30 pm

anyone else?

User avatar
hallbd16
Posts: 136
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2012 12:40 pm

Re: First Draft PS Critique Help

Postby hallbd16 » Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:36 pm

karmaman wrote:Hey guys, so this is a very early rough draft, but I just wanted to know your thoughts. Any critique is much appreciated, and if interested we could swap essays. Thanks


The tension in the air is thick, seeming ready to erupt at any time. Crowds are sprawled out on sleeping bags and in tens in front of shops(this is a little awkward to me. Maybe try: Crowds of tens are sprawled out on sleeping bags in front shop windows), others are chanting slogans and waving flags. Some shoot off fireworks while others graffiti their anti-government sentiments on any piece of exposed wall or building. This scene seems reminescient of something you might have seen in the United States during the time of the Vietnam War, but this scene takes placein a much more modern time(Unnecessarily wordy. Use today. This is Tahrir Square; this is the birthplace of the Arab Spring.
In the midst of all this chaos and excitement, I found myself sitting in a quite office building a mile away, sheltered and closed off to the very real things happening around me. In February of 2012, I was afforded the rare opportunity to travel to Egypt to work with my father (not sure why you mention him, not really relevant to the rest of the text. And worst case an adcom might make an inference of nepotism, which you definitely don't want as an implementation and strategy consultant for the Subway Sandwiches brand. As an International Business major, this was what I spent four years of my life preparing for and I was more than eager to take on the challenge.
This position entailed me primarily managing existing supply chain managers and ensuring they were adhering to strict uniformity standards that are paramount to the global success of the brand, as well as the scouting of new locations throughout the bustling city of Cairo and the coastal enclave of Alexandria. Although I learned a great deal about the business world and was able to apply much of what I learned in school to real life situations, I felt that the most rewarding aspect of the trip was my newfound appreciation for the law. (Too wordy, condense!
Working in such close proximity to the Tahrir Square, I spent many nights after work participating in the demonstrations. I felt drawn to the square, the energy radiating from the thousands of people fighting for justice acted as a magnetic field, pulling me in. When you entered Tahrir, your race, color, age, gender or socio-economic background no longer mattered, the only criteria necessary was a sense of humanity. This is a captivating topic. I want to hear more! Why did you do it despite the risks? Did you stand out there? Any conversations? I think this paragraph is worth expanding on.
Walking the streets of Cairo, I have witnessed countless faces filled with anger, frustration, and discontent for their current situation. They felt neglected and ignored, marginalized and trivializedHow do you know this, did you talk to them? Show me, don't tell me. However, the scene in Tahrir is quite different. The square has come to symbolize hope, prosperity, change, justice, and democracy. Here, people feel that their voice is being heard, that they are rewriting their country’s history, and being the catalyst for change that they have for so long yearned for, but could never attain.
Just as Tahrir has come to embody certain essential ideals, the rule of law itself is seen as symbolizing many of these same beliefs. The law in all its grandeur and mystique is still at its essence a beacon of hope. It represents justice and it provides security for all those who are protected under its jurisdiction. The law offers a saving grace for those that felt they have nowhere else to turn to. It provides a voice for those who have been kept silent for so long, thus inviting them back into a society that has for so long forgot they were there.
Growing up in America, I have often taken for granted the law and the vital function it serves in our society. It wasn’t until I moved to Egypt and saw everyday how badly these people wanted laws and a government that is there to protect them, instead of abuse them, did I realize how lucky I was to have been raised in such an environment. This epiphany solidified my intent to pursue a legal education. As a lawyer, I will now have the knowledge and skillset to be the voice for those who have been forgotten or taken advantage of. There are millions of people around the globe who are suffering just as the Egyptian people are suffering, but I believe that an end to this suffering can be attained. If we, as humans, and lawyers, stand up for what is right and just then we can have a very real, tangible impact on this world that will affect future generations for years to come. (As you acknowledge, this is a sweepingly broad statement. Do you want to get work with international rights and other such causes? Give me details of what this means for your legal career


I think this is pretty strong with great upside. Two big things: 1- condense your writing. If a word is not absolutely essential cut it. I did so on a few occasions, but I think overall you need to take a fine-tooth comb and do that yourself. 2- Give me more details about your interactions with Egyptians about the Arab Spring. You make sweeping statements about how people there felt. Better would be to show me how they feel through conversations, events you noticed, actions you saw, things you read, etc.

I sent you my PS as a personal message. Hope you are willing to take a look at it.

User avatar
hallbd16
Posts: 136
Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2012 12:40 pm

Re: First Draft PS Critique Help

Postby hallbd16 » Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:37 pm

.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.