I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ghostowl
Posts: 61
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:11 pm

I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby ghostowl » Thu Dec 06, 2012 6:54 am

Please correct any grammar / punctuation errors if you can too! Please critique!



My heart starts beating faster as João walks to the front of the class to deliver his presentation speech. My stomach churns almost as if it is I who is required to execute the presentation in English. João is an excellent junior high student living in Japan who studies diligently, but he is alienated by his peers mainly because of his Brazilian descent. I see myself in him not only because I experienced similar racism immigrating to America as a child, but because he has an exceptional gift for adapting to many difficult situations. For the last couple of months, I’ve gotten to know him a lot as I spent time with him to tutor him for the English speech contest. It is a fulfilling experience when I see him overcome his flaws as I have in my past. As João clears his throat and gathers his thoughts, one of his Japanese classmates mockingly shouts, “How can he speak English fluently when he can’t even speak Japanese fluently?!” The class roars with laughter. João, whose face is now flushed red, desperately looks at me in hopes that I would save him from this utter humiliation. It would only take me a few simple words to reverse the target of the humiliation – something that I choose not to do. Painfully, I do nothing. This is my final lesson to João: no one can save you but yourself.

My mother was my savior during my childhood years. An immigrant, divorced, and single mother working low-end jobs to feed her three children in a brand new country. As a child who could not speak English, I could not make any friends in school. It was frustrating experience for a child, but my mother was always there to support me emotionally. She was the first person that told me that I would make a good lawyer because of my ability to think logically and argue with persuasion. She would always appear strong in front of us, but I remember nights when she would quietly weep in the living room couch as I simply watched from the shadows. In order to be a good son, I took education seriously. It was initially a task that I considered required of me, but over time, I grew fond of learning and grew attached to my books. My books gave me safety from the harsh reality, but it also provided me with dreams of what I could become. If my books were my oars that gave me my freedom, then my mother was the boat that kept me afloat above cold dark sea of this world.

I was a sophomore in my university when I found out that my boat was sinking. In 2008, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had to quit her job as I desperately found a job as a part-timer in a restaurant in order to support myself rather than focusing on my studies. Despite working heavy hours, I harbored no ill feelings towards my fortune. Life has always given me a tough childhood, but I’m grateful for shaping me into what I am today. This time was no different – those who can adapt will survive, and those who cannot will not, regardless of your level of talent. Over time, these words have become etched to the backbone of my identity.

In September 2008, the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers shocked the world. I was rather shocked at how powerful laws were; decision made by Manhattan court to accept the bankruptcy claim would relieve billions of dollars for the firm. Commercial real estate prices were depreciated across the entire nation from the bankruptcy filing and mortgage securities were being sold off left and right just from the mere fear that Lehman’s bankruptcy would lead to their liquidation of its assets. Investors and many other people living across the world were affected by this decision. This event made me realize that if I want to change the world, I needed to pursue a legal education. In response to this spark, I managed to secure an internship with a law firm, and worked as a paralegal to gain first-hand experience in the field.

Due to my international background, I became increasingly interested in global affairs. I realized globalization will continue to increase with advances in technology and internet. I also saw that East Asian companies will increasingly play a dominant role in tomorrow’s global trade and leave a big impact in the society we see in the future. I had grown convinced that skills and jobs that translated itself into more than one country was a necessity for success in the real world. Law could be used in conjunction with specialized skills to expand one’s horizons even further. Law as a flexible entity meant that I needed to hone other areas to complement it in order to magnify my potential. With this in mind, I chose to postpone my legal education and set out abroad to gain more international experience.

While living abroad, I feared that I would become out of touch with legal experience, and eventually, my desire to go to law school. In Fall of 2012, I managed to become scouted by my company’s affiliates for a brief chance to work with Samsung’s Japanese branch due to my previous work experience and my ability to speak fluent Korean, English, and Japanese. I would be placed in a team that would help build a massive contract for negotiation with JETRO, a Japanese governmental organization. It would subsidize costs of operating on Japanese soil in exchange of greater cooperation with business ventures, in addition to relocating its facilities. Effective on November 1st, 2012, I played a crucial role in editing the patent clause for Samsung that would, in the end, oversee several million dollar long term profit for this company. I was gaining firsthand experience, while stimulating my intellectual hunger by confirming my studies did parallel with real life situations. Not only did this event further fuel my desire to attend law school, but it was an incredible sense of accomplishment to leave my first mark on legal history.

The laughter dies down as João’s crisp English speech resonates through the room. With each breath, every new word seems to revitalize his confidence. His performance gives me an enormous sense of accomplishment, not just because he executed a great speech, but because my mentorship has given him the tools he needed to build his own boat. An unusually long silence fills the room before the genuine applause arrives. This silence represents the gap between those who make an effort to step outside the box, and those who continue to let themselves be restrained by Japan’s overarching demands. While living here, I’ve learned that Japan provides safety and harmony for its people, but in return it asks you to sacrifice your individuality and potential – João is no exception to this tradeoff. Compared to me, João has earlier exposure to three languages, and access to better education in Japan which hints, on paper, that his success potential is greater. In reality, this is not the case because no other place provides as much freedom and opportunity as America does. America was built on opportunities and dreams; laws were placed to legitimate the validity of the system. It is my genuine belief that the same set of laws can used help build systems outside of America that will benefit bright youths like João to sail the same course that I have taken. Globalization subtly reassures us that such good deeds can also reward us back indirectly. I’ve become biased to believe that nothing should come between an individual and his propensity for achievement. This is the core of my desire to practice international law in Fordham University of Law. By pursuing a legal degree, I intend to shape the firms that will transform our world tomorrow. I intend to use law as an extension of my identity to measure my potential. I intend to accept law as my legacy, and my future.

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bluepenguin
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Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Dec 06, 2012 2:01 pm

Submitted yet?

ghostowl
Posts: 61
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:11 pm

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby ghostowl » Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:25 am

It was too long so I had to shorten it a lot. Can anyone rate the content though?

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bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby bluepenguin » Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:40 am

Paragraphs 1-3 are promising. Paragraph 7 needs refining. Paragraphs 4-6 seem almost completely unrelated to the rest, to my eye (especially P4).

It's nowhere near ready to submit. Some omitted words, grammar issues, and style issues. Small things, but they need to be cleaned up. See:

; decision made by Manhattan court to accept the bankruptcy claim would relieve billions of dollars for the firm.


I've


This is the core of my desire to practice international law in Fordham University of Law.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13918
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:41 am

It's too long, almost 4 pages.

ghostowl
Posts: 61
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:11 pm

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby ghostowl » Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:00 am

Wait, what's wrong with using I've?

Also, how can I improve this sentence? (This is the core of my desire to practice international law in Fordham University of Law.)

Does it seem that unpolished?

Here is my corrected shortened version:





My heart beats faster as João walks to the front of the class to deliver his presentation speech. João is a diligent student living in Japan, but he is alienated by his peers because of his Brazilian descent. I see myself in him not only because I faced similar racism immigrating to America as a child, but because he has an exceptional gift for adapting to difficult situations. As João clears his throat and gathers his thoughts, one of his Japanese classmates mockingly shouts, “How can he speak English fluently when he can’t even speak Japanese fluently?!” The class roars with laughter. João, whose face is now flushed red, desperately looks at me in hopes that I would save him. It would only take me a few simple words to stop the mockery. Painfully, I choose to do nothing. This is my final lesson to João: no one can save you but yourself.

My mother was my savior during my childhood. An immigrant, divorced, and single mother worked low-end jobs to feed her children in a brand new country. It was frustrating growing up in a new country as a child, but my mother supported me emotionally. She always seemed strong in front of us, but I remember nights when she would quietly weep in the living room as I simply watched from the shadows. To be a good son, I took education seriously. It was initially a task that I considered required of me, but over time, I grew fond of learning and grew attached to my books. Books gave me dreams of what I could become. If my books were my oars that gave me my freedom, then my mother was the boat that kept me afloat above the cold dark sea of this world.

I was a sophomore in university when I found out that my boat was sinking. In 2008, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had to quit her job as I desperately found a part-time job in a restaurant to support myself rather than focus on my studies. Despite working heavy hours, I harbored no ill feelings towards my fortune. Life gave me a tough childhood, but I’ve become grateful for its experience. This time was no different – those who can adapt will survive, and those who cannot will not, regardless of talent. Over time, these words have become etched to the backbone of my identity.

It was during my college years when Lehman Brothers’ bankruptcy ruling shocked the world. I was shocked by the magnitude of laws; Investors and many others living across the world were all affected by this decision. This event showed me that if I want to change the world, I needed to pursue a legal education. In response to this spark, I secured an internship with a law firm, and worked as a paralegal to gain first-hand experience in the field. I started realizing globalization will continue to increase with advances in technology and internet. I also saw that East Asian companies will increasingly play a dominant role in tomorrow’s global trade. I had grown convinced that skills and jobs that translated itself into multiple countries were necessities for success in the real world. With this in mind, I chose to postpone my legal education and set out abroad to gain more international experience.

While living abroad, I feared becoming out of touch with legal experience. In Fall of 2012, I was scouted by my company’s affiliates for a brief chance to work with Samsung’s Japanese branch due to my previous work experience and my ability to speak fluent Korean, English, and Japanese. I would be placed in a team that would help build a massive contract for negotiation with JETRO, a Japanese IGO. It would subsidize costs of operating on Japanese soil in exchange for greater cooperation with business ventures. Effective on November 1st, 2012, I played a crucial role in editing a clause for Samsung that would, in the end, oversee several million dollar long term profit for this company. I was gaining hands-on experience, while stimulating my intellectual hunger by confirming my studies did parallel with real life situations. Not only did this event further fuel my desire to attend law school, but it was an incredible sense of accomplishment to leave my first mark on legal history.

The laughter dies down as João’s crisp English resonates through the room. It ends beautifully. His performance is rewarding because my mentorship has given him the tools he needs to build his own boat. An unusually long silence fills the room before the applause. This silence represents the gap between those who make an effort to step outside the box, and those who continue to remain restrained by Japan’s overarching demands. While living here, I’ve learned that Japan provides safety for its people, but in return it asks for sacrifice of individuality and potential – João is no exception to this tradeoff. Compared to me, João has earlier exposure to three languages, and access to better education in Japan. This hints, on paper, that his success potential is greater. In reality, this isn’t the case because no other place provides opportunity like America does. It is my genuine belief that laws can used to build systems outside of America that will help bright youths like João to sail the same course as I have. I’ve come to believe that nothing should come between an individual and his propensity for achievement. This is the core of my desire to practice international law in Fordham University of Law. By pursuing a legal degree, I intend to shape the firms that will transform our world tomorrow. I plan to use law as an extension of my identity to measure my potential, and leave a legacy.

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Richie Tenenbaum
Posts: 2162
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:17 am

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby Richie Tenenbaum » Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:28 am

Edits done in brackets. The last few sentences of this need some work. Some are clunky, some are just fluff, and overall it feels very disjointed compared to the rest of the PS. You also switch tenses a lot throughout the PS. Don't.

ghostowl wrote:Wait, what's wrong with using I've?

Also, how can I improve this sentence? (This is the core of my desire to practice international law in Fordham University of Law.)

Does it seem that unpolished?

Here is my corrected shortened version:





My heart beats faster as João walks to the front of the class to deliver his presentation speech. João is a diligent student living in Japan, but he is alienated by his peers because of his Brazilian descent. I see myself in him not only because I faced similar racism immigrating to America as a child, but because he has an exceptional gift for adapting to difficult situations. As João clears his throat and gathers his thoughts, one of his Japanese classmates mockingly shouts, “How can he speak English fluently when he can’t even speak Japanese fluently?!” The class roars with laughter. João, whose face is now flushed red, desperately looks at me in hopes that I would save him. It would only take me a few simple words to stop the mockery. Painfully, I choose to do nothing. This is my final lesson to João: no one can save you but yourself.

My mother was my savior during my childhood. An immigrant, [my divorced and single] mother worked low-end jobs to feed her children in a brand new country. It was frustrating growing up in a new country as a child, but my mother supported me emotionally. She always seemed strong in front of us, but I remember nights when she would quietly weep in the living room as I simply watched from the shadows. To be a good son, I took education seriously. It was initially a task that I considered required of me, but over time, I grew fond of learning and grew attached to my books. Books gave me dreams of what I could become. If my books were my oars that gave me [direction], then my mother was the boat that kept me afloat above the cold[,] dark sea of this world.

I was a sophomore in university when I found out that my boat was sinking. In 2008, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had to quit her job as I desperately found a part-time job in a restaurant to support myself rather than focus on my studies. Despite working heavy hours, I harbored no ill feelings towards my fortune. Life gave me a tough childhood, but I’ve become grateful for its experience. This time was no different –[comment: change hyphen to an em dash] those who can adapt will survive, and those who cannot will not, regardless of talent. Over time, these words have become etched to the backbone of my identity.

It was during my college years when Lehman Brothers’ bankruptcy ruling shocked the world. I was shocked by the [far reaching effect of the law:] [people all across] the world were [] affected by this decision. This event showed me that if I want[ed] to change the world, I needed to pursue a legal education. [Comment: Really? There's plenty of other ways to change the world besides becoming a lawyer. Lawyers are probably way down the list in terms of people who "change the world."] In response to this spark, [Comment: "Spark"? Lehman Brothers' bankruptcy caused a realization that produced a spark in you about how you need to change the world by being a lawyer? Not sure I'm buying this, consider revising.] I secured an internship with a law firm, and worked as a paralegal to gain first-hand experience in the field. I started [to realize that] globalization will continue to increase with advances in technology and internet. I also saw that East Asian companies will increasingly play a dominant role in tomorrow’s global trade. I had grown convinced that skills and jobs that translated itself into multiple countries were necessities for success in the real world. With this in mind, I chose to postpone my legal education and set out abroad to gain more international experience.

While living abroad, I feared becoming out of touch with legal experience. In Fall of 2012, I was scouted by my company’s affiliates for a brief chance to work with Samsung’s Japanese branch due to my previous work experience and my ability to speak fluent Korean, English, and Japanese. I would be placed in a team that would help build a massive contract for negotiation with JETRO, a Japanese IGO. It would subsidize costs of operating on Japanese soil in exchange for greater cooperation with business ventures. [Comment: You switched tenses in the previous two sentences. Rewrite in past tense.] Effective on November 1st, 2012, I played a crucial role in editing a clause for Samsung that would, in the end, oversee several million dollar long term profit for this company. I gain[ed] hands-on experience, while stimulating my intellectual hunger by confirming my studies did parallel with real life situations. Not only did this event further fuel my desire to attend law school, but it was an incredible sense of accomplishment to leave my first mark on legal history.

The laughter dies down as João’s crisp English resonates through the room. It ends beautifully. His performance is rewarding because my mentorship has given him the tools he needs to build his own boat. An unusually long silence fills the room before the applause. This silence represents the gap between those who make an effort to step outside the box, and those who continue to remain restrained by Japan’s overarching demands. While living here, I’ve learned that Japan provides safety for its people, but in return it asks for sacrifice of individuality and potential –[comment: Change to em dash.] João is no exception to this tradeoff. Compared to me, João has earlier exposure to three languages, and access to better education in Japan. This hints, on paper, that his success potential is greater. In reality, this isn’t the case because no other place provides opportunity like America does. [Comment: Consider deleting last three sentences. They seem out of place and add nothing to your topic.] It is my genuine belief that laws can used to build systems outside of America that will help bright youths like João to sail the same course as I have. I’ve come to believe that nothing should come between an individual and his propensity for achievement. This is the core of my desire to practice international law in Fordham University of Law. By pursuing a legal degree, I intend to shape the firms that will transform our world tomorrow. I plan to use law as an extension of my identity to measure my potential, and leave a legacy.

User avatar
bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby bluepenguin » Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:07 am

ghostowl wrote:Wait, what's wrong with using I've?

Also, how can I improve this sentence? (This is the core of my desire to practice international law in Fordham University of Law.)


You don't use contractions in formal writing.

International law isn't a thing. If you must put that red flag in there you want Fordham University School of Law or, alternatively, Fordham Law School.

And no, it doesn't seem too unpolished at all. But you're expected to have zero mistakes and you have a number that's not zero, so it's not a final product yet is all I'm saying. Or was saying. I'll have to read the new version later.

ghostowl
Posts: 61
Joined: Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:11 pm

Re: I'm about to submit my final draft in 2 hours. HELP

Postby ghostowl » Sat Dec 08, 2012 3:57 am

After cutting out a lot of junk and editing it, I have a draft that I think I can submit it today

Here it is:





My heart beats faster as João walks to the front of the class to deliver his presentation speech. João is a diligent student living in Japan, but he is alienated by his peers because of his Brazilian descent. I see myself in him not only because I faced similar racism immigrating to America as a child, but because he has an exceptional gift for adapting to difficult situations. As João clears his throat and gathers his thoughts, one of his Japanese classmates mockingly shouts, “How can he speak English fluently when he can’t even speak Japanese fluently?!” The class roars with laughter. João, whose face is now flushed red, desperately looks at me in hopes that I would save him. It would only take me a few simple words to stop the mockery. Painfully, I choose to do nothing. This is my final lesson to João: no one can save you but yourself.

My mother was my savior during my childhood. An immigrant, my divorced and single mother worked low-end jobs to feed her children in a brand new country. It was frustrating growing up in a new country as a child, but my mother supported me emotionally. She always seemed strong in front of us, but I remember nights when she would quietly weep in the living room as I simply watched from the shadows. To be a good son, I took education seriously. It was initially a task that I considered required of me, but over time, I grew fond of learning and grew attached to my books. Books gave me dreams of what I could become. If my books were my oars that gave me direction, then my mother was the boat that kept me afloat above the cold, dark sea of this world.

I was a pre-law sophomore in university when I found out that my boat was sinking. In 2008, my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had to quit her job as I desperately found a part-time job in a restaurant to support myself rather than focus on my studies. Despite working heavy hours, I harbored no ill feelings towards my fortune. Life gave me a tough childhood, but I’ve become grateful for its experience. This time was no different – those who can adapt will survive, and those who cannot will not, regardless of talent. Over time, these words have become etched to the backbone of my identity.

After graduation, I secured an internship with a law firm, and worked as a paralegal to gain first-hand experience. I realized that globalization will continue to increase with advances in technology and internet. I had grown convinced that skills and jobs that translated itself into multiple countries were necessities for success in the real world. With this in mind, I chose to postpone my legal education and set out abroad to expand my international awareness.

While living abroad, I feared becoming out of touch with legal experience. In Fall of 2012, I was scouted by my company’s affiliates for a brief chance to work with Samsung’s Japanese branch due to my previous work experience and my ability to speak fluent Korean, English, and Japanese. I was placed in a team that helped build a massive contract for negotiation with JETRO, a Japanese IGO. It subsidized costs of operating on Japanese soil in exchange for greater cooperation with business ventures. Effective on November 1st, 2012, I played a crucial role in editing a clause for Samsung that would, in the end, oversee several million dollar long term profit for this company. I gained hands-on experience, and stimulated my intellectual hunger by confirming my studies did parallel with real life situations. It was an incredible sense of accomplishment to leave my first mark on legal history.

The laughter dies down as João’s crisp English resonates through the room. It ends beautifully. His performance is rewarding because my mentorship has given him the tools he needs to build his own boat. An unusually long silence fills the room before the applause. This silence represents the gap between those who make an effort to step outside the box, and those who continue to remain constrained by Japan’s overarching demands. While living here, I’ve learned that Japan provides safety for its people, but in return it asks for sacrifice of individuality and potential – João is no exception to this tradeoff. Compared to me, João has earlier exposure to three languages, and access to better education in Japan. This hints, on paper, that his success potential is greater. In reality, this isn’t the case because no place can provide opportunity like America can. It is my genuine belief that laws can used to build systems outside of America that will help bright youths like João sail the same course as I have. I’ve come to believe that nothing should come between an individual and his propensity for success. By reforming laws and perpetuating change, I want to become a lawyer who can make that a reality. By combining my law degree with my international seamanship and business mindset, I hope to change both myself and others to succeed in an increasingly globalizing world.




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