Rough First Draft- Critique!

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Anonymous User
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Rough First Draft- Critique!

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 04, 2012 4:45 pm

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated- including whether or not this is even a good topic to write about! Thanks!

I grew up in [City, State], as a rule-follower. As a kindergartener coloring outside the lines, breaking the rules in a recess tag game, or talking in class never crossed my mind. As a middle schooler trying out for the basketball team or running for class treasurer were things I avoided, because I did not think I'd be good at them. As a high school senior, I chose to forgo an opportunity to attend an out of state university that I loved, and instead stayed in my hometown to attend [University]. I was too afraid I would not be able to handle moving far away. While my risk-averse tendency often resulted in good judgement calls and avoiding trouble, as I got older it began to limit me. I had conditioned myself to be content with average, never challenging or pushing myself. After excelling in my high school Spanish classes, I chose to major in Spanish and settled with the idea that I would just become a middle-school Spanish teacher, never really thinking about other options. It seemed like the obvious, easy choice for me.

Never having lived more than 15 minutes from my parents, sister, or most of my childhood friends, choosing to move to Spain for six months my Junior year of college, may have been the first time I had ever really been out of my comfort zone. On the first day of my Linguistics class in [City], our professor informed us that we would each be responsible for creating a lesson plan and teaching an English class at [School], a local school. As the professor assigned us our respective topics, I immediately felt the familiar feeling of self-doubt. I began to work on my lesson plan, preparing various activities, presentations, and worksheets. After two months of preparation and countless meetings with my professor, my day to teach at the school had arrived.

Standing at the front of the classroom, twenty teenagers stared back at me. After introducing myself and passing out worksheets, I explained to the students that they would be preparing dialogues to act out for the class. As I walked around the room, helping each group, I felt invigorated and my insecurity faded. Not only was I capable of teaching the class, but the students were engaged and excited. Finding success where before I had only felt doubt. By breaking the rules that I had created for myself and taking a risk, I found that it was possible to feel confident even in an unfamiliar situation. I realized how much more I was capable of doing and how much I could flourish if I challenged myself, forced myself to not settle for comfortable.

Studying law is something the old me would have been too afraid to do, it would have seemed like too much of a risk, the new me embraces the uncertainty and the unfamiliar. Law school is a risk, but I now know that I am capable of achieving so much in the face of uncertainty.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Rough First Draft- Critique!

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 04, 2012 5:02 pm

I don't get it. Why are you applying to law school?

Grammar-wise, it needs a lot of work on commas; I saw at least 5 missing or unnecessary ones, and a few more I'd have to look up. Also you need to remove contractions.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Rough First Draft- Critique!

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:05 pm

Thanks for the grammar advice, I haven't even checked the grammar yet, I'm trying to decide if I can go anywhere with this before I spend lots of time editing. I removed the contractions!

After I returned from Spain, I began exploring my interests, thought for a while that I'd like to pursue psychiatry, so I volunteered at a psychiatric center for children from low-income backgrounds. Decided that it wasn't for me. I had always been interested in the law, so I got a job interning at a law firm, and have been working there ever since, and I love the work I do, and I find the work that the lawyers there do very interesting. So I could definitely go into more detail about how this experience led to me wanting to go to law school. However, I was under the impression from reading advice from a lot of admissions committee members that a personal statement doesn't need to adress "why law school", but rather show something interesting about the applicant or show how an experience in your life led to a change/transformation. Any advice you have would be great, let me know if you have a personal statement that you need help with, I'd be happy to look at it! Thanks

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bluepenguin
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Re: Rough First Draft- Critique!

Postby bluepenguin » Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:11 pm

Well, this is just my opinion but it's a different matter if you've been working in a law office for a while. Then it's not hard to see why you would make the jump.

Without that background, though... they might know if they read your resume first, but if they read this first, then they'd wonder why law school is the natural conclusion from that story. Right now it reads like you realized you should take more risks so you decided law school is hard so lets do that. I think a slight change to something like, "Moving out of the comfortable place of my current job to confront the challenges of law school is something the old me would not have done" would make much more sense.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough First Draft- Critique!

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:39 pm

What is the purpose of this law school PS ? Seems to suggest that you're willing to take a chance on law school even though you're not comfortable leaving your comfort zone. I don't get it.




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