Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

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Anonymous User
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Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Dec 03, 2012 9:57 pm

This is a first draft, and I may decide to scrap it entirely. Any advice is much appreciated!

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Dec 06, 2012 8:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Jsa725
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby Jsa725 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:11 am

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Last edited by Jsa725 on Wed Jul 30, 2014 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:24 pm

Great until "...because I stopped learning."

"palsy" or "palsey" ?

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rinkrat19
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:40 pm

Topic is fine, overall well-written, but the quote and the first paragraph made me want to vomit. Sorry. :?

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RSterling
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby RSterling » Tue Dec 04, 2012 3:49 pm

Starting your PS with a quote is super cliche and should be avoided. I like the overall theme, but see if you can incorporate that without a quote at the top. Even something in the first paragraph (not the first sentence) where you say "so and so said blah blah blah"

Otherwise, I think this is a very complete PS. You come off as mature and aware of who you are as a person. One other thing is not to describe yourself as an "expert" in anything. Just say that you're very familiar with the welfare reform act. That will suffice and you'll avoid coming off as pompous.

Anonymous User
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 05, 2012 9:42 am

Thanks for the advice everyone. Was nervous to post on here, but really glad I did. I'll get to work on it!

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maggielizer
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby maggielizer » Wed Dec 05, 2012 3:21 pm

This is really well-written, especially for a first draft! :)

If you're worried about it coming off sappy, just leave out the "angels" stuff.

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Skye
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby Skye » Wed Dec 05, 2012 3:39 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone. Was nervous to post on here, but really glad I did. I'll get to work on it!

Personally, I think your opening paragraph segues nicely from the quote. For me, keeper.

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spleenworship
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby spleenworship » Wed Dec 05, 2012 3:55 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:Topic is fine, overall well-written, but the quote and the first paragraph made me want to vomit. Sorry. :?



Yeah.... I stopped reading after "flying with only one wing" in the first paragraph.

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bluepenguin
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby bluepenguin » Wed Dec 05, 2012 4:48 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Always an academic, I became keenly interested in the larger systems that allowed people like Joseph to fall through the cracks.


Who's Joseph?

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spleenworship
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby spleenworship » Wed Dec 05, 2012 4:49 pm

bluepenguin wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Always an academic, I became keenly interested in the larger systems that allowed people like Joseph to fall through the cracks.


Who's Joseph?


The guy who made Pinnochio?

Anonymous User
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Re: Is this PS too sappy? Unfocused?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Dec 05, 2012 4:57 pm

spleenworship wrote:
bluepenguin wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:Always an academic, I became keenly interested in the larger systems that allowed people like Joseph to fall through the cracks.


Who's Joseph?


The guy who made Pinnochio?


Whoops - good catch! Jim is really Joseph. I changed all the names before I posted it online to try to protect their identities. Fail.




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