Help Please! PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
brittanynicole_4
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:53 am

Help Please! PS

Postby brittanynicole_4 » Wed Nov 28, 2012 9:27 am

Hello Everyone,

Here is one of my many drafts for my ps. Please let me know all of your thoughts? I felt the need to write on this topic b/c it is what inspired me to pursue law school. Let me know what you think. Too personal? Point out any grammatical errors or flow issues. Also, I am having trouble finishing it, what else do you think needs to be included? How should I wrap it up? The last paragraph is roughly done, it is not finished at all. Any ideas would help. Thanks a lot!

We are defined by the many experiences in our lives, the decisions we make, and the moments from which we learn. It is for such a moment that I grapple and contemplate on which story to impart. An abbreviated, generic tale of a girl filled with ambition and passion for law since she was a child or the detailed account of what ignited this passion. An ignition accelerated by motivation, and a hidden passion that smoldered just beneath the surface. I struggled to elude the past ignoring this passion, but now I embrace it. Burned into my memory, it is an experience I will never forget, and a moment that has forever defined me.

A warm summer day, it was stiflingly calm, no air to breathe. I was nervous, but also felt empowered. Today, I was to secure my justice, or so I thought. I had always acted so grown up, ready for anything, but I was not ready for this. At ten years of age I never thought I would see the inside of a courtroom. I gave my testimony describing how I had been molested by this man, this man that sat across from me. Upon commencement, the deliberations began and we waited patiently. Once the jury returned, I instantly knew something was wrong. Many looked saddened, disheartened. I soon learned why, for the jury found the defendant "not guilty."

This moment affects me endlessly in more ways than one. Ways that I do not realize nor can express. However, I do know it is this experience that peaked my curiosity in law. Though the justice I sought was not attained, at such a young age I still realized the need for the legal system and all the people who make it attainable. I embraced this curiosity until high school. Incessantly wondering if I could have changed the verdict, and with so many unanswered questions, I decided to move on and leave the past behind. I tried to forget about everything, including my interest in law.

My life continued and I did very well. As my education progressed, my knowledge expanded and I craved more. Ambition and motivation fueled me entirely throughout my college career. I was focused and determined to finish, to be the first in all of my immediate and extended family to complete a bachelor’s degree. Blinded by my sheer will power to be completely self-reliant and forced to be monetarily self-sufficient, I left that forgotten passion behind. As my educational career came to a close, I realized that it was devoid of something. So close to finishing my degree I knew changing my major was not in my future. However, I yearned for excitement that even as I child I recognized existed. I longed for fulfillment, something I never received from my practiced field of event planning. While this field was the outlet for my creativity as I hoped, I found that was all it would provide.

It is easy to forget the calamities of life, to walk away as if there is no effect. For years this is what I did. Not wanting to withstand reality, I found it easy to ignore the impact of such experiences. NEED TRANSITION HERE. Upon embracing this catalyst of my future I uncovered familiar feelings I once knew—excitement and passion. It was then that the hole my decision dug began to fill.

cslouisck
Posts: 134
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 11:59 am

Re: Help Please! PS

Postby cslouisck » Thu Nov 29, 2012 12:36 am

brittanynicole_4 wrote:Hello Everyone,

Here is one of my many drafts for my ps. Please let me know all of your thoughts? I felt the need to write on this topic b/c it is what inspired me to pursue law school. Let me know what you think. Too personal? Point out any grammatical errors or flow issues. Also, I am having trouble finishing it, what else do you think needs to be included? How should I wrap it up? The last paragraph is roughly done, it is not finished at all. Any ideas would help. Thanks a lot!

We are defined by the many experiences in our lives, the decisions we make, and the moments from which we learn. It is for such a moment that I grapple and contemplate on which story to impart. An abbreviated, generic tale of a girl filled with ambition and passion for law since she was a child or the detailed account of what ignited this passion. An ignition accelerated by motivation, and a hidden passion that smoldered just beneath the surface. I struggled to elude the past ignoring this passion, but now I embrace it. Burned into my memory, it is an experience I will never forget, and a moment that has forever defined me.

A warm summer day, it was stiflingly calm, no air to breathe. I was nervous, but also felt empowered. Today, I was to secure my justice, or so I thought. I had always acted so grown up, ready for anything, but I was not ready for this. At ten years of age I never thought I would see the inside of a courtroom. I gave my testimony describing how I had been molested by this man, this man that sat across from me. Upon commencement, the deliberations began and we waited patiently. Once the jury returned, I instantly knew something was wrong. Many looked saddened, disheartened. I soon learned why, for the jury found the defendant "not guilty."

This moment affects me endlessly in more ways than one. Ways that I do not realize nor can express. However, I do know it is this experience that peaked my curiosity in law. Though the justice I sought was not attained, at such a young age I still realized the need for the legal system and all the people who make it attainable. I embraced this curiosity until high school. Incessantly wondering if I could have changed the verdict, and with so many unanswered questions, I decided to move on and leave the past behind. I tried to forget about everything, including my interest in law.

My life continued and I did very well. As my education progressed, my knowledge expanded and I craved more. Ambition and motivation fueled me entirely throughout my college career. I was focused and determined to finish, to be the first in all of my immediate and extended family to complete a bachelor’s degree. Blinded by my sheer will power to be completely self-reliant and forced to be monetarily self-sufficient, I left that forgotten passion behind. As my educational career came to a close, I realized that it was devoid of something. So close to finishing my degree I knew changing my major was not in my future. However, I yearned for excitement that even as I child I recognized existed. I longed for fulfillment, something I never received from my practiced field of event planning. While this field was the outlet for my creativity as I hoped, I found that was all it would provide.

It is easy to forget the calamities of life, to walk away as if there is no effect. For years this is what I did. Not wanting to withstand reality, I found it easy to ignore the impact of such experiences. NEED TRANSITION HERE. Upon embracing this catalyst of my future I uncovered familiar feelings I once knew—excitement and passion. It was then that the hole my decision dug began to fill.


I don't know if this suggestion will sound that helpful, but I hope you'll trust me: rethink your approach to this. You've written what sounds like a journal entry about your interest in the law, not a statement demonstrating your worthiness for admission to a professional school. Instead of musing about the story you'd like tell in the statement itself, determine what it is you'd like to say, then say it. As it is, you wander from topic to topic while burying your substance under rhetorical flourish. If you have a story to tell, tell that story. If there's some thread that ties these disparate pieces together then identify that thread and weave it throughout.

You have some ideas on paper, but you need to take some time to focus on what you want to convey to the adcomms before taking another stab at this.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help Please! PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 29, 2012 12:36 pm

In contrast to the above post, I find your approach dignified, sincere & convincing. Obviously, you're a talented writer. Of course, the ending needs an additional transitional sentence or consider just adding the word "But, until...". Maybe I need more coffee, but I'm not sure which "decision" your last sentence references. Otherwise, this is a beautifully written piece.

P.S. You have the making of a trial lawyer as most seem to rethink past trials--especially those which were lost.

cslouisck
Posts: 134
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 11:59 am

Re: Help Please! PS

Postby cslouisck » Thu Nov 29, 2012 2:10 pm

Reading this again with fresh eyes, I like it now more than I did last night. And I trust CanadianWolf's judgment, too, so make of that what you will. But I do maintain that your style gets in the way of your substance. You can still demonstrate that you're a good writer without resorting to lines like "...stiflingly calm. No air to breathe. Today, was the day..." Fine for creative purposes perhaps, but here it's a little overwrought. Then again, maybe that's just me.

Oh, and one other thing: it's "piqued" not "peaked."

Good luck.

brittanynicole_4
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:53 am

Re: Help Please! PS

Postby brittanynicole_4 » Thu Nov 29, 2012 5:32 pm

Thanks everyone so much! Will definitely be making adjustments....and can't believe I did not catch the "piqued" thing. I will repost when I make changes.




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