yale 250 critique?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273411
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

yale 250 critique?

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 23, 2012 6:49 pm

thanks everyone!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Nov 24, 2012 12:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273411
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 24, 2012 10:19 am

anyone? bueller? bueller? bueller?

User avatar
Cicero76
Posts: 1276
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2012 9:41 pm

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby Cicero76 » Sat Nov 24, 2012 10:27 am

Rewrite every contraction to avoid contractions. They are bad form in professional writing.

anela00
Posts: 188
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2010 9:05 pm

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby anela00 » Sat Nov 24, 2012 10:34 am

I really like it.

User avatar
nygrrrl
Posts: 4948
Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 1:01 am

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby nygrrrl » Sat Nov 24, 2012 10:41 am

Take this with a grain of salt, as I didn't write a 250...
I like the tone/something about the story but I don't like the first two graphs at all.
I think I would open with something like, "My grandfather loved to play Texas Hold 'Em." Then I'd put in the second line of your first graph, then go straight to the third graph. Then a graph about how he seemed to be guided by feelings (rewrite what's now graph two - not sure what you are trying to say there), then keep the final graph as is. (I love your ending, btw.)
Does that make sense? (Again, I'm no expert - just my humble opinion.)
Best of luck!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:34 am

The contradiction between the ending & the second paragraph's assertion that this was the same way he ran the farm affects the credibility & theme of your piece, in my opinion.

User avatar
nygrrrl
Posts: 4948
Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 1:01 am

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby nygrrrl » Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:35 am

CanadianWolf wrote:The contradiction between the ending & the second paragraph's assertion that this was the same way he ran the farm affects the credibility & theme of your piece, in my opinion.

Yeah - I think that's what was bothering me about the second graph. Good point.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273411
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:45 am

yeah, I've been looking at that, trying to marry the two. In a longer piece, I think I could add the necessary connective tissue, but the space restriction may necessitate leaving it on the cutting room floor.

The execution obviously needs work, but is the topic 250 worthy?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: yale 250 critique?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:56 am

Any topic is "250 worthy" if done well. As written, your Yale 250 offers charm at the expense of cohesive insight. Seems as though you're trying to force charming observations into your writing without supporting--contradicting, actually--your theme.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.