Submitted, thanks. Forum
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crossingfingers
- Posts: 171
- Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:20 pm
Submitted, thanks.
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Last edited by crossingfingers on Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Stormageddon
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:11 pm
Re: Hate it? Like it? Close to finished?
I like your statement and the story you've chosen to illustrate your convictions. That's incredible that you had such a personal encounter with Peter Singer. As a Philosophy major I studied his works in applied ethics and poverty morality. I'm no expert, only someone who just turned in my last application. That being said...
Your opening paragraph might keep the reader out of the loop a bit too long. This might be remedied by either by tightening/shortening the paragraph or including more concrete details that tie into the backstory that follows. I would mention that Singer is the professor in question in the 1st paragraph, otherwise the reference to his essay in paragraph two seems incidental (I missed the connection the first time through). I would combine and tighten up paragraphs 2 and 3. In para 4 I would say: "On the night I wrote the email in question". Instead of using "the former" to indicate your course of action I would say something like "I stuck to my ideals" to avoid confusion (I had to re-read the previous sentence to figure out which you chose). In para 9 I would spend a little bit more time giving concrete examples of your work in animal rights, what it taught you, etc. I know you will probably do this down the road, but be sure to include some info about what attracts you to the specific law school and how it fits in with your goals and interests (not just a fill in the name reference to the school).
Overall, sounding pretty good to me. Good luck!
Stormageddon
http://www.ithinkthereforeimatter.com
Your opening paragraph might keep the reader out of the loop a bit too long. This might be remedied by either by tightening/shortening the paragraph or including more concrete details that tie into the backstory that follows. I would mention that Singer is the professor in question in the 1st paragraph, otherwise the reference to his essay in paragraph two seems incidental (I missed the connection the first time through). I would combine and tighten up paragraphs 2 and 3. In para 4 I would say: "On the night I wrote the email in question". Instead of using "the former" to indicate your course of action I would say something like "I stuck to my ideals" to avoid confusion (I had to re-read the previous sentence to figure out which you chose). In para 9 I would spend a little bit more time giving concrete examples of your work in animal rights, what it taught you, etc. I know you will probably do this down the road, but be sure to include some info about what attracts you to the specific law school and how it fits in with your goals and interests (not just a fill in the name reference to the school).
Overall, sounding pretty good to me. Good luck!
Stormageddon
http://www.ithinkthereforeimatter.com
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crossingfingers
- Posts: 171
- Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:20 pm
Re: Hate it? Like it? Close to finished?
Great feedback... thanks very much!
