Personal Statement - Honesty is appreciated!

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Personal Statement - Honesty is appreciated!

Postby UCLAHopeful2014 » Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:54 pm

Hi All! This is the draft of my personal statement and would appreciate ANY constructive feedback!

At a young age my mother engrained in me Mormon ideologies, particularly which the people who participated in the “homosexual lifestyle” were sinners and destined for Hell. Since I was at a vulnerable age and attending sacrament at the Latter Day Saints church every Sunday, I was not aware of any other beliefs, and therefore, was compelled and expected to live my life by this Christian doctrine. Battle Mountain, the rural Nevadan town I was raised in, was predominantly heterosexual and secluded from any non-conforming influences. As if all of those unwarranted directions were not enough, the county was composed of conservatives who ostracized anyone who deviated from the racist, sexist, and heterosexist norms. I was destined to be a self-proclaimed straight male that would serve a church mission when I was 19 and marry a nice Mormon woman when I returned two years later. However, my teenage attractions diverged from this pre-determined path.
I evolved into a teenager who did not realize it at the time but was gay and struggling with internalized oppression. Due to outside influences, I had an incessant desire to mold into someone that I was not. That paired with my parent’s ongoing divorce lead me to a severely despondent state of mind at 15 years of age. In order to escape my depression, I had to make a decision: I could either continue to lead a life that I despised or I could learn to accept this as part of who I am. As I would realize in the future, the latter choice was the one that would foster a healthier environment. Later that year, I was able to confidently reveal my sexual orientation to my family and high school peers, which to this day was one of the most terrifying events of my life.
It was not until my sophomore year of college that I discovered my niche. I was fortunate enough to participate in Boise State University’s 2010 Tunnel of Oppression by conveying experiences of marginalized and historically oppressed populations. The first time I was surrounded by a group of people who understood what it was like to be judged daily based on a characteristic out of one’s control granted me the sense of community that I had been longing for; but sharing emotional and personal stories that often go untold to predominantly privileged participants was the liberating experience that would propel me into an array of educational and activism related opportunities. Granted I was open about my sexual orientation during high school, but I still was forced to survive by suppressing my identity. It was not until this point in college I envisioned how I was going to participate in preventing the oppression of marginalized populations. Battling for equity and equality in a conservative state like Idaho has allowed me to discover my passion for assisting others who share similar experiences and may still be at the breaking point that many of us from non-dominant communities undergo. Underprivileged populations are still systematically oppressed and do not have the same equitable opportunities that the privileged majority benefits from, which contributes to the insurmountable obstacles that one like myself has to overcome to actively participate in one’s own society.
I am fighting for equity in different state laws and policies, such as the Idaho Human Rights Act, so that others may not only feel included, important, and equal but actually be closer to achieving equality. Identifying as a gay male and the experiences that are associated with that are responsible for my transformation. I sometimes wonder if the life everyone else suggested I pursue would have been easier; it unquestionably would have had fewer barriers to success. However, conquering what were once impossible obstacles has reinforced my determination to achieve my goals. I have learned to be bold in all aspects of my life and recognize my sexual orientation may sometimes create more roadblocks but dismantling the institutions that systemically discriminate against people like me will help bridge the gap between the privileged and underprivileged and create a more inclusive society. I have an obligation to advocate for individuals that encounter many of the same hurdles so that one day every person will have the same basic fundamental rights bestowed to citizens of this country.


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Re: Personal Statement - Honesty is appreciated!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Nov 12, 2012 3:17 pm

Your personal statement reflects traits of maturity, sincerity, reflection and growth. While the first paragraph is good, the remaining paragraphs are muddled due to poor word choices & run-on sentences. Nevertheless, this is a solid first draft, in my opinion.


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Re: Personal Statement - Honesty is appreciated!

Postby mmbt123 » Tue Nov 13, 2012 12:46 am

hey, i agree that this is a solid first draft. i would make the childhood/pre-college narrative tighter and more logical. Right now, the different pressures on you don't flow very well/seem a little disjointed.

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