Rough First Draft- Would love a critique and any advice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Rough First Draft- Would love a critique and any advice

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:47 pm

rebooting.

thanks for all the advice thus far.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Nov 12, 2012 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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dingbat
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Re: Rough First Draft- Would love a critique and any advice

Postby dingbat » Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:50 pm

It's good, but you need to touch up the grammar a bit.

Except if you're applying to Brigham Young. Then it's an unmitigated disaster

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough First Draft- Would love a critique and any advice

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 11, 2012 8:47 pm

You've filled six paragraphs with one paragraph's worth of material. Your writing suffers from repetition & superficiality. This writing, at best, constitutes a rough draft. You need to learn to develop a theme through logical progression & to write succinctly in crisp, clear sentences. If you truly believe that you are your own harshest critic, then you should not have shared this piece in its current form.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Rough First Draft- Would love a critique and any advice

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 11, 2012 8:57 pm

The easiest way to organize a law school personal statement is to use the standard five (5) paragraph format in which the introductory paragraph shares your theme & lets the reader know what you're going to write. Essentially: My theme & I'm going to write A,B & C. Then the second paragraph expands on "A", the third paragraph on point "B", and the fourth paragraph covers point "C". The concluding paragraph then rephrases (sums up) your theme & the three supporting points. In more common vernacular: Tell'em what you're going to tell 'em, then tell 'em, then tell them what you just told them. This is the first step toward creating an organized & persuasive writing.

P.S. If you're still at Ball State, you should have access to a writing center. Consider using this resource as your writing is not college level writing.

P.P.S. Reread your first paragraph. Is it clear or confusing ? The introductory paragraph should be clear & unambiguous.

Anonymous User
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Re: Rough First Draft- Would love a critique and any advice

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Nov 11, 2012 11:32 pm

Dingbat & CanadianWolf,

Thank you both for your feedback. I'll wait a bit to see if anyone else responds before giving it another go.

I definitely know that grammar wise it needs work, I just wrote this out for something to start with because I've really had a hard time knowing what to write about.

As I stated, it is a rough first draft so while I appreciate the writing center advice, and my school does have one, it was more content wise that I was looking for advice on. The mechanisms of my writing I will fix as I edit because while the first draft may not show it, I am capable of writing at a college level. I do appreciate the advice on the 5 paragraph essay (although I am familiar with how it works), because many of the PS samples I've read elsewhere have not been in that format, thus I did not begin writing in that style for this rough draft.

Dingbat okay if I PM you to find out what you did like about the PS since I don't want to scrap it all if there is some potential?

CandianWolf, I may PM you with a same theme, but 5 paragraph essay styled PS. I'd appreciate any comments you have on that revision as well before I restart.

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dingbat
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Re: Rough First Draft- Would love a critique and any advice

Postby dingbat » Mon Nov 12, 2012 6:33 am

What I like is that you convey having a crappy background and overcoming it, as well as showing your reason for choosing law and your long-term goals. It's not just "woe is me" and it's not just "this is my ambition", but a combination of the two. Basically, you explain the past while looking forward to the future, which is ideal.




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