(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Postby fruitoftheloom » Sun Nov 11, 2012 7:23 pm

submitted :)
Last edited by fruitoftheloom on Sat Nov 17, 2012 1:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Revised PS - need some help - would be happy to swap

Postby anteater1 » Mon Nov 12, 2012 3:09 pm

In 1999, my mother discovered an online roleplaying game called Everquest. I was twelve years old. Within one year, my parents separated and my mother quit her job to play the game full time. My mother was the only parent with a college degree and provided the majority of financial support in the family. Two years after my mother discovered “EverCrack,” as we called it in our family, I arrived home one day to discover that she was gone. I think a little expansion on Everquest is in order here, I'm not familiar with the game and I'd like to know a bit more about it as a reader... What makes this game so addictive? I was fourteen. Although my father was not prepared, financially or emotionally, to be the single parent to three children, my two brothers and I moved into the two bedroom duplex he shared with his brother. After the move, most nights I slept on the couch. One of my brothers slept in the cubby hole below the stairs, and the other had a twin mattress that we would prop up on the wall during the day so that we could walk through the living room. Being a female teenager in a duplex with four males and no private bedroom was rough. I survived this phase of my life mentally intact because I am independent and strong willed, two characteristics that have served me well in both my personal and my professional life. I think you could break up this paragraph into 2 separate ones. Write a bit more about Everquest leave some sort of cliffhanger and then move onto the conditions you suffered through in paragraph two.

Shortly after my mother left without warning, I came home one day and discovered my father crying. (period inserted) After being the more passive parent through my childhood, my father was terrified of being the only parent. In addition to this, the financial pressure of losing my mother’s more substantial income was a huge stress stress doesn't seem like the right word here... stressor perhaps? or some other synonym. At that point I decided that I was an adult, and I was determined not to be a burden and I got a job babysitting to help support myself. At 16, I made the decision to move out, and I financially supported myself through the rest of high school. I don't necessarily like how this sentence is set up.... maybe "I made the decision to move out at 16 and I financially supported myself throughout the duration of high school."

Although This situation certainly wasn’t was not ideal, but I learned valuable lessons early in life. First, I learned to manage myself. Many teenagers faced with no supervision go wild and get into trouble. Instead, I threw myself into reading, working, and school. While many of my friends had parents pushing them to prepare for college, there was no expectation in my family that I could/would attain a higher education. I chose to pursue a college degree. I became the first member of my family to graduate from college four years after graduating from high school. what made you want to pursue college given your circumstances? pure self-determination? getting back at your mom perhaps?

The second lesson I learned was the importance of being strong-willed. Without parents to push me, the motivation to pass classes and graduate from college had to come from within. This characteristic has been essential to my professional life. In my professional life, I handle claims as an adjuster with Farmers Insurance Group. My motivation to perform well has resulted in three promotions in three years. I consistently volunteer to handle more complex claims because of my desire to keep moving forward. I get what you mean but I'm not sure "keep moving forward" is what your looking for, something along the lines of "improve my capabilities?" At this point, I handle mostly litigated cases. Although I enjoy my job, the next logical step in my life is to become an attorney. I work hand-in-hand with lawyers daily to defend and settle cases. Working this closely with attorneys has given me a less romanticized view of their job. I understand that the day to day life of a lawyer is reading and writing. I want to go to law school because I find the work they do fascinating, and because I am envious of their knowledge. less romanticized view and envious of their knowledge seem not to stack up to the same sentiment, although they logically follow it seems like a shift in mood... what exactly are your feelings towards law school? bleak? excited?

Although it has been many years since my mother’s abandonment, I am still the self-motivated and independent these events shaped me into. Just as I have used these characteristics to succeed in my personal and professional lives, I will use them to excel in law school. not a bad conclusion but seems unfulfilled, here I think you could tie back a bit more to your youth and what specifically you had to overcome

Good start to your personal statement but I think it needs a little work. The first paragraph would be greatly benefitted by some mention of why your mother was convinced to leave her family because of a game.... I'm not a gamer by any notion so it seems illogical but if you discussed the game in more detail it would be helpful.

I also think you could benefit from more of a "journey" in your statement, i.e. my mom left, I was on my own, and I learned these specific traits to make me a better person.... Right now the statement is a good start but it seems a bit disjointed, it lacks a coherence that reads as a narrative instead of a sum of paragraphs....

PM me when you get through your next copy and I'll give it another read, feel free to take whatever you like from my comments and ditch the rest

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