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Hi guys,

This is a first draft for me and I'm looking for some meaningful feedback. All feedback is appreciated. THANK YOU!

Sometimes less is more, and this is one of those times. You used six paragraphs to deliver three paragraphs' worth of material.

You need to talk more about why you need to attend law school, and talk about it from the very beginning, maybe second paragraph at the latest. It's well written, but doesn't deliver on the main point which IMO must be why you need to attend law school.