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PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 8:08 pm
by Anonymous User
created new post

Re: Draft!! 2ND DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 8:17 pm
by Anonymous User
:) ideas are there, but some gaps are missing.

Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 8:55 pm
by Anonymous User
as

Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 11:11 pm
by fruitoftheloom
oh my god, the commas.

You, seriously, have, way, too, many, commas, in, there.

I mean, every sentence has a comma splice. I suggest that you look at EACH comma and think: do I really need that? Is it grammatically correct? If you do that and correct, I can edit your statement for comma splice. I love the comma, but man, you REALLY love the comma.

Also, I hope that you're applying to religious schools. Otherwise I'm not sure how far this will get you.

Good luck!

Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:19 am
by Anonymous User
fruitoftheloom wrote:oh my god, the commas.

You, seriously, have, way, too, many, commas, in, there.

I mean, every sentence has a comma splice. I suggest that you look at EACH comma and think: do I really need that? Is it grammatically correct? If you do that and correct, I can edit your statement for comma splice. I love the comma, but man, you REALLY love the comma.

Also, I hope that you're applying to religious schools. Otherwise I'm not sure how far this will get you.

Good luck!



Ha thank you, but it's not a religious personal statement. The most amazing, famous people of mankind (Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Elias Howe, and I'm sure many more) have used the idea of the subconscious mind and who have spoke on its existence, definitely not a religious factor. Do you think I should take the religious part out?? It's just my first one, I need to find which ways I want to take it. First time with these type of essays, I do not know whether to recite it like a speech or a paper.

What else do you suggest though???

Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:34 am
by Anonymous User
Anonymous User wrote:
fruitoftheloom wrote:oh my god, the commas.

You, seriously, have, way, too, many, commas, in, there.

I mean, every sentence has a comma splice. I suggest that you look at EACH comma and think: do I really need that? Is it grammatically correct? If you do that and correct, I can edit your statement for comma splice. I love the comma, but man, you REALLY love the comma.

Also, I hope that you're applying to religious schools. Otherwise I'm not sure how far this will get you.

Good luck!



Ha thank you, but it's not a religious personal statement. The most amazing, famous people of mankind (Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Elias Howe, and I'm sure many more) have used the idea of the subconscious mind and who have spoke on its existence, definitely not a religious factor. Do you think I should take the religious part out?? It's just my first one, I need to find which ways I want to take it. First time with these type of essays, I do not know whether to recite it like a speech or a paper.

What else do you suggest though???




Yes. I agree with fruitoftheloom, entirely TOOOOOOOO MUCH COMMAS lol

But I do like the topic. I do see the change from moving beyond a scriptural foundation to a bit of psychology, but make the change more clear.

I love the comma too!!

And I'll be up to edit your statement as well. Revise a bit and make a drastic change from the church scene and the rest of the paper.

Will be looking out for your new revisions!!
:)