PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 09, 2012 8:08 pm

created new post
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Nov 10, 2012 2:11 am, edited 6 times in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft!! 2ND DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 09, 2012 8:17 pm

:) ideas are there, but some gaps are missing.

Anonymous User
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Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Nov 09, 2012 8:55 pm

as
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sat Nov 10, 2012 2:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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fruitoftheloom
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Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby fruitoftheloom » Fri Nov 09, 2012 11:11 pm

oh my god, the commas.

You, seriously, have, way, too, many, commas, in, there.

I mean, every sentence has a comma splice. I suggest that you look at EACH comma and think: do I really need that? Is it grammatically correct? If you do that and correct, I can edit your statement for comma splice. I love the comma, but man, you REALLY love the comma.

Also, I hope that you're applying to religious schools. Otherwise I'm not sure how far this will get you.

Good luck!

Anonymous User
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Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:19 am

fruitoftheloom wrote:oh my god, the commas.

You, seriously, have, way, too, many, commas, in, there.

I mean, every sentence has a comma splice. I suggest that you look at EACH comma and think: do I really need that? Is it grammatically correct? If you do that and correct, I can edit your statement for comma splice. I love the comma, but man, you REALLY love the comma.

Also, I hope that you're applying to religious schools. Otherwise I'm not sure how far this will get you.

Good luck!



Ha thank you, but it's not a religious personal statement. The most amazing, famous people of mankind (Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Elias Howe, and I'm sure many more) have used the idea of the subconscious mind and who have spoke on its existence, definitely not a religious factor. Do you think I should take the religious part out?? It's just my first one, I need to find which ways I want to take it. First time with these type of essays, I do not know whether to recite it like a speech or a paper.

What else do you suggest though???

Anonymous User
Posts: 273546
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: PS DRAFT!! PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:34 am

Anonymous User wrote:
fruitoftheloom wrote:oh my god, the commas.

You, seriously, have, way, too, many, commas, in, there.

I mean, every sentence has a comma splice. I suggest that you look at EACH comma and think: do I really need that? Is it grammatically correct? If you do that and correct, I can edit your statement for comma splice. I love the comma, but man, you REALLY love the comma.

Also, I hope that you're applying to religious schools. Otherwise I'm not sure how far this will get you.

Good luck!



Ha thank you, but it's not a religious personal statement. The most amazing, famous people of mankind (Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, Elias Howe, and I'm sure many more) have used the idea of the subconscious mind and who have spoke on its existence, definitely not a religious factor. Do you think I should take the religious part out?? It's just my first one, I need to find which ways I want to take it. First time with these type of essays, I do not know whether to recite it like a speech or a paper.

What else do you suggest though???




Yes. I agree with fruitoftheloom, entirely TOOOOOOOO MUCH COMMAS lol

But I do like the topic. I do see the change from moving beyond a scriptural foundation to a bit of psychology, but make the change more clear.

I love the comma too!!

And I'll be up to edit your statement as well. Revise a bit and make a drastic change from the church scene and the rest of the paper.

Will be looking out for your new revisions!!
:)




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