Third Draft - Dem Dogwoods

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Bad?

Bad.
1
25%
Not so bad.
2
50%
Not bad.
1
25%
 
Total votes: 4

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North
Posts: 4041
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2011 7:09 pm

Third Draft - Dem Dogwoods

Postby North » Fri Nov 09, 2012 4:53 pm

Alright, I spent the week revamping this. Added another narrative arc about driving. Tell me what you think. How do I come across? Is it awful? Do I sound awful?

North wrote:Image
Last edited by North on Sun Nov 11, 2012 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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fruitoftheloom
Posts: 395
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:38 pm

Re: Third Draft - Dem Dogwoods

Postby fruitoftheloom » Fri Nov 09, 2012 11:02 pm

Really good North!!! There's only one sentence that I didn't like:

For me, it was the old Toyota Camry parked outside and the place I had spent two years planning to drive it – Tallahassee and Florida State University.

This feels forced - I feel like you're trying to FORCE this to fit with the rest of your statement. I like it better when you just say "For me, it was the dream of higher education at XXX University". The driving part is really good too, I just don't think you need to force it in right there.

ALSO nitpicky:
Each workday for the last several months, I had labored with a team of people from my town to churn out

I think it's obvious that you labored with a team of people (really? there weren't monkeys helping you?" so I would just leave it at "I labored with a team"

I also don't think you need "had" because you don't have two past tense verbs in the sentence.

OVERALL 9.8/10. I love the statement!!!!

PS, I'm refusing to vote because your statement fkn rocks.




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