Draft PS! I'm confident you know what to do.

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cslouisck
Posts: 134
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 11:59 am

Draft PS! I'm confident you know what to do.

Postby cslouisck » Fri Nov 09, 2012 2:24 am

*Thanks for the advice, all.
Last edited by cslouisck on Fri Mar 08, 2013 3:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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defdef
Posts: 155
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2012 6:11 am

Re: Draft PS! I'm confident you know what to do.

Postby defdef » Fri Nov 09, 2012 6:09 am

So I did more, growing as a skier in Colorado, certainly--but also as a human being. Summit County brimmed with other intelligent people whom I respected and yet who had, oddly enough, made life choices antithetical my own. Far from losing sight of my future in the mountains, my time there brought it into better focus: living a life apart from academics and intellectual demands, I came to realize they were very things which brought me joy. Even after a perfect powder day, I returned home to Aldous Huxley and Cormac McCarthy, to debates about social policy with my roommate who had joined me from [my college].
i think that this needs to be a bit more explanatory on why you like intellectual stuff. it seems passing. might just be me.
With the Peace Corps behind me (another phone call had indicated that “family trauma” effectively tabled my hopes), I chose to leave Summit County no longer concerned about following a particular path, but about discovering a career that would bring satisfaction and fulfillment. Worry less, do more.

Public relations seemed to offer that opportunity, and I gravitated toward what had always intrigued me: research, writing, analysis. I built our firm’s first platform for comparing and understanding clients’ media success relative to their competitors, drafted an opposition research report that traveled directly to a national client’s general counsel, distilled data from a national health insurer into an infographic that made the rounds in Congress.
might want to explain a bit more about your firm. it just jumps right to "our firm", with no introduction of the job and i felt it was a bit abrupt - plus i wanted to know more which is a great sign.
I wouldn’t be turning my back on that promising career today unless I knew more were possible. And it is. I have found it in bits in pieces moonlighting a freelancer for a ski magazine and as an occasional op-ed columnist for the [metro area's largest newspaper]. But PR has left me longing for that true academic challenge I last felt in the classroom, and for a career that probes the boundaries of my abilities. That career is law.
this is a bit scattered and doesn't really give a clear answer as to why law is that career you're looking for. i mean you like skiing and you like intellectual stuff.... so law?
I hold no misconceptions about the pressures of billable hour requirements, possess no illusions about the noble intent of every client. I live those already. But at this end of arc I’ve traced since leaving college, I’m less worried than ever and confident I’m about to do more. There is no longer a bad choice. Except, of course, to oversleep on the best powder day of the year.
hmm, not too sure about the conclusion here. the red part is definitely a keeper of a line that you have built up to, but i think that overall the last two paragraphs are your weakest. the conclusion doesn't hit home as well as it should and i think if you gave a clearer explanation as to why law in the penultimate paragraph, you could finish strong in your final especially with that red line and go for the kill


i enjoyed it and it was easy to read. you're obviously a good writer, but i thought that your second half could be improved upon. i hope my comments help, and good luck on berkeley!

cslouisck
Posts: 134
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2012 11:59 am

Re: Draft PS! I'm confident you know what to do.

Postby cslouisck » Fri Nov 09, 2012 11:56 am

Awesome--much appreciated. My fiancee will be happy to know that she was right about the connection to law nearer the end. But then again, she's my fiancee, so she's always right regardless.




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