Please give my VERY rough draft PS a read

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
generaltoast
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:45 pm

Please give my VERY rough draft PS a read

Postby generaltoast » Fri Nov 09, 2012 2:15 am

Any criticisms or suggestions would be greatly appreciated:

I stood there bewildered, gazing upon the vast array of shelves containing dozens of stacks of overfilled files. "You will be in charge of all cases beginning with the letters A,P,Q,R, and S," said my supervisor as he handed me a large, heavy binder with the words "Mediator Guide" written across it. I felt overwhelmed with a sense of tremendous stress and uncertainty. It was at this time that I realized that my work with the state attorney general's office was going to be much more involved than I had anticipated.

It was my first day of work as a mediator at the Bureau of Consumer Fraud and Protection, and it became clear that I would have to put my feelings of uneasiness aside in order to perform by duties to the best of my abilities. It was my job to communicate with various citizens of New York State and assist them with claims of fraud against various private businesses. My duties started with opening a case file, reading the consumer's complaint and supporting evidence, and then attempting to contact the allegedly fraudulent business to try and negotiate. This process of mediation required me to write letters, fax documents, and call individual business owners and consumers. Once I had finally received an answer from the business about the complaint, I could close the file, report it to the consumer, and move on to the next. The cases ranged from someone complaining that they should receive a refund on their five dollar purchase, to someone being ripped off of thousands of dollars by a fraudulent advertising agency.

I gave each case equal importance and effort. It was not that I was technically able to enforce any laws upon the accused businesses, but rather that I served as a voice for the average consumer who may not regularly have a say in an often cold and insatiable business world. I served as a middleman who was able to settle disputes before they were forced to go to trial court, saving citizens valuable time and money. I soon began to enjoy this work, moving from case to case with diligence and efficiency. I kept meticulous notes of each step I took in mediating each complaint, and followed them to the end. I developed a bond with each and every one of the complainants, and my feelings uneasiness soon began to fade as I worked through their cases, often resulting in successful outcomes.

I soon began to realize how great it felt to help the public, who were fighting against financial injustice but struggling to find a voice. I developed a desire to go into a profession with the public interest at heart. I believe that law school is an essential step in achieving this goal, and believe my work with the attorney general's office has shaped my work ethic and desires for the rest of my life.

User avatar
defdef
Posts: 155
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2012 6:11 am

Re: Please give my VERY rough draft PS a read

Postby defdef » Fri Nov 09, 2012 5:43 am

I don't think it is poorly written, but it is really dry and basically just explains a point on your resume. Your description of the job is way too general and vague. I understand that it may feel forced, but you may want to consider writing about a specific instance when you helped someone that made you feel good.

generaltoast
Posts: 92
Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:45 pm

Re: Please give my VERY rough draft PS a read

Postby generaltoast » Fri Nov 09, 2012 11:37 am

Thanks for the insight, that really helps




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.