First draft..

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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sinfiery
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First draft..

Postby sinfiery » Thu Nov 08, 2012 2:10 am

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Last edited by sinfiery on Fri Nov 16, 2012 12:48 am, edited 2 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First draft..

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 08, 2012 10:51 am

As a first draft, this is a chance to develop a more coherent theme. As written, your random thoughts fail to help your cause, in my opinion, because they portray you as one who is lost, without any realistic goal & unsure of the next step in your life. Perhaps a year or two of work experience would be a better choice for you at this time.

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sinfiery
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Re: First draft..

Postby sinfiery » Thu Nov 08, 2012 5:12 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:As a first draft, this is a chance to develop a more coherent theme. As written, your random thoughts fail to help your cause, in my opinion, because they portray you as one who is lost, without any realistic goal & unsure of the next step in your life. Perhaps a year or two of work experience would be a better choice for you at this time.


Hmm. I definitely don't have realistic goals so that isn't something I can focus writing my PS about. I doubt working for 2 years would aid me in this endevor, and I'll almost certainly apply this cycle.

I will try to create a more coherent theme.

I definitely don't want to be portrayed as someone who is lost so I will look at why that message comes through. Maybe because of the conclusion? I'm leaning towards rewriting that.

Thanks for the perspective.

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fruitoftheloom
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Re: First draft..

Postby fruitoftheloom » Thu Nov 08, 2012 11:27 pm

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Last edited by fruitoftheloom on Thu Nov 15, 2012 11:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: First draft..

Postby thelawschoolproject » Thu Nov 08, 2012 11:32 pm

So, I would think of this as a pre-writing exercise. You've identified two things about you that may be worth writing about (1) technology/internet or (2) idealism.

Definitely do not start your PS with questions. The adcomm wants you to tell them who you are. You need to know who that is before going about your PS. All of those hypotheticals just show your general lack of direction.

You definitely need to develop one idea into a solid PS. Maybe spend some more time thinking about any situation that changed you in a significant way. Write about one of those moments when you overcame something and realized you were better for it. These situations come in all shapes and sizes, so really spend some time just listing incidents in your life out until you get to one that seems very vivid and strong.

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sinfiery
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Re: First draft..

Postby sinfiery » Sat Nov 10, 2012 1:07 am

fruitoftheloom wrote:Sin,

Don't know if you still want advice. I don't like the personal statement much. It shows that you can write, but I honestly think just rewording your resume would be better than this. You don't have to be poor to write a good personal statement.

Some ideas maybe for personal statements:
-You like the internet. Any good stories about it? Ever talk a stranger down from suicide? Ever make a website? Do any programming? Add to Wikipedia?
-Did you do anything cool in college? Help anyone? Volunteer? Tutor?
-Have any hobbies? (besides the internet)

What I feel from your personal statement is that you want to go to law school because you have a liberal arts degree and are lost. That's probably not true. You don't have to know exactly what you want to do, but if you can't write a one page paper about why you want to go to law school, maybe you should sit out a cycle. :/

I always welcome advice.
I'm glad it shows that I can write, because that is definitely on the top of the list as far as what I want to achieve with my PS.
I really don't have any stories/idea's I'd feel comfortable representing who I am. I understand that's the status quo on TLS for Personal Statements, and I was willing to go down that route if I had to but I don't want to/believe I don't have to. (My numbers provide a safety net I am happy with. I want to attempt to break through my lack of softs with my PS, and I have no chance at that if I follow the PS path stated on TLS)

I did however change the conclusion and attempted to get a more unified theme whilst still leaving it sporadic and to a degree all-encompassing. I want it to stay general but be specific. I would love if you could critique any grammatical/syntax errors or any ways in which I could improve the very last sentence. I am not a fan of it at the moment. But of course, anything you have to say would be great to consider.

thelawschoolproject wrote:So, I would think of this as a pre-writing exercise. You've identified two things about you that may be worth writing about (1) technology/internet or (2) idealism.

Definitely do not start your PS with questions. The adcomm wants you to tell them who you are. You need to know who that is before going about your PS. All of those hypotheticals just show your general lack of direction.

You definitely need to develop one idea into a solid PS. Maybe spend some more time thinking about any situation that changed you in a significant way. Write about one of those moments when you overcame something and realized you were better for it. These situations come in all shapes and sizes, so really spend some time just listing incidents in your life out until you get to one that seems very vivid and strong.


They aren't really questions, it's the way I introduce my history to the audience. It doesn't really ask the reader to think/think of answers, just kind of how I choose to bring in information.
But I definitely have a lack of direction. Kind of on purpose because there isn't one idea I want to represent myself. But I did attempt to unify it with the updated version.

I could think of some of those ideas, but I wouldn't be satisfied writing about them. I did however change my conclusion and attempted to get a unified theme going throughout the P.statement. Hopefully that helps a bit.




I would appreciate any comments on the updated version. Especially related to how it reads in relation to grammar/syntax/writing ability. I also don't like the very last sentence. Thinking of ways to revise it.

Thanks!

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fruitoftheloom
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Re: First draft..

Postby fruitoftheloom » Sat Nov 10, 2012 4:55 pm

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Last edited by fruitoftheloom on Thu Nov 15, 2012 11:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CorkBoard
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Re: First draft..

Postby CorkBoard » Sat Nov 10, 2012 7:06 pm

Start over.




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