Swap? Stuck on draft, would really appreciate any comments

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Anonymous User
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Swap? Stuck on draft, would really appreciate any comments

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Nov 07, 2012 7:59 pm

I’m standing in the operating room in green scrubs, mask over my face, uncertain of where to stand and what not to touch. I’m unfamiliar with the staff and in fact, the only two people I know are the operating surgeon and a patient who is currently under anesthesia. Mentally, I’ve been prepared for this day for weeks, and as a matter of fact, things seem to be going quite smoothly. I know the research protocol like the back of my hand. I understand each step of the procedure in the case anyone turns to me with questions, and now is simply the time to implement, to orchestrate.

Some of the most important skills I’ve developed working in the cancer field are the ability to remain focused, determined, and to work through a crisis level-headed, pulling everyone together. On a daily basis, I try to learn something new, discover something challenging. I’ve had to instruct chemotherapy nurses how and at what dose to administer investigational drugs. I've educated and walked breast cancer survivors through the process of diagnosis, treatment, then healing. I can’t say the case that day at the OR went perfectly. Nothing that involves staff from five different departments coming together in the OR, for the first time, to work towards something innovative ever goes perfectly smoothly. But part of the reason why I’m drawn to the project in the first place is the challenge that it presents. Taking a project that starts off on paper and actually transforming what was a theory or an idea and turning it into reality involves a tremendous amount of patience, effective communication, and endless problem solving. That these projects and what I have done have contributed and made an impact on a person’s life has been very humbling.

As a student in college, I struggled in my first three years, trying to find a major I could relate to and feel passion about. I lacked the focus and the drive, and it wasn’t until the summer prior to my final year of college when I finally switched my major to psychology, when I discovered an interest in research. Finding something that I could relate to in class helped me develop a passion in learning, and in constantly challenging and re-evaluating myself. Within that one last year of school, I pulled my grades up so that I was consistently on the Provost’s Honors list and I managed to finish all the requirements to complete my major, while conducting an independent study and working part-time as a research assistant.

Since entering the work arena, my work has helped me hone the analytical and technical reading and writing skills, so integral to the nature of research. In our multi-disciplinary treatment planning, I used to be intimidated by the idea of presenting research trials concepts and providing my input on patient treatment in a room full of medical doctors, some rather disinclined towards research. It’s been rewarding to know that I’ve influenced and turned some of these old-timers around. The entire experience has helped me develop a broader and more mature perspective since graduating from college, and I believe I will be a much better law student now than I could have been before.

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fruitoftheloom
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Re: Swap? Stuck on draft, would really appreciate any comments

Postby fruitoftheloom » Wed Nov 07, 2012 10:50 pm

Anonymous User wrote:I’m standing in the operating room in green scrubs, mask over my face, uncertain of where to stand and what not to touch. I’m unfamiliar with the staff and in fact, the only two people I know are the operating surgeon and a the patient who is currently under anesthesia. Mentally, I’ve been prepared for this day for weeks, and as a matter of fact, things seem to be going quite smoothly. I know the research protocol like the back of my hand. I understand each step of the procedure in the case anyone turns to me with questions, and now is simply the time to implement, to orchestrate.


I think it's a good start to your personal statement - I'm interested!

Some of the most important skills I’ve developed working in the cancer field are the ability to remain focused, determined, and to work through a crisis level-headed, pulling everyone together. On a daily basis, I try to learn something new, discover something challenging. I’ve had to instruct chemotherapy nurses how and at what dose to administer investigational drugs. I've educated and walked breast cancer survivors through the process of diagnosis, treatment, then healing. I can’t say the case that day at the OR went perfectly. Nothing that involves staff from five different departments coming together in the OR, for the first time, to work towards something innovative ever goes perfectly smoothly. But part of the reason why I’m drawn to the project in the first place is the challenge that it presents. Taking a project that starts off on paper and actually transforming what was a theory or an idea and turning it into reality involves a tremendous amount of patience, effective communication, and endless problem solving. That these projects and what I have done have contributed and made an impact on a person’s life has been very humbling.


This is also good, but needs some editing. First, I'm pissed that you haven't told me exactly what the project is. That's good, because it means I'm interested. But you have to fulfill that curiosity! Also - you need to restructure this some and make it about you. How did counseling cancer patients affect you? Did you successfully lead this project? If not, why did it fail? What could/would you change?

Grammatically - don't keep repeating "in/at the OR". We get it. You're in the hospital.

As a student in college, I struggled in my first three years, trying to find a major I could relate to and feel passion about. I lacked the focus and the drive, and it wasn’t until the summer prior to my final year of college when I finally switched my major to psychology, when I discovered an interest in research. Finding something that I could relate to in class helped me develop a passion in learning, and in constantly challenging and re-evaluating myself. Within that one last year of school, I pulled my grades up so that I was consistently on the Provost’s Honors list and I managed to finish all the requirements to complete my major, while conducting an independent study and working part-time as a research assistant.


This has nothing to do with either paragraph above. You have a compelling personal statement, but suddenly you've turned it into a grade addendum. Omit this entirely. If you think it's important, develop it into a grade addendum. You have a really good, interesting start to a personal statement. This particular paragraph turns your statement into a pile of dung.

Since entering the work arena, my work has helped me hone the analytical and technical reading and writing skills, so integral to the nature of research. In our multi-disciplinary treatment planning, I used to be intimidated by the idea of presenting research trials concepts and providing my input on patient treatment in a room full of medical doctors, some rather disinclined towards research. It’s been rewarding to know that I’ve influenced and turned some of these old-timers around. The entire experience has helped me develop a broader and more mature perspective since graduating from college, and I believe I will be a much better law student now than I could have been before.


You need some work here too. I think if you retool your statement to focus on either this project or your research, a good natural ending would simply be to talk about how you will use those skills to be a successful lawyer. Also the "some rather disciplined towards research" makes no sense. Do you mean some rather biased against? Because those were two very different things.

OVERALL - you have some work to do, but I can see this being a FANTASTIC personal statement if you retool it. I'm interested in what happened, but you don't quite take me all the way. I get through your statement and don't feel like I know anything about you, I just sort of feel confused.

I hope this helps. It's a little brutal, but I did it because I think you can take this statement to 10/10.




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